words from a broken soul

Lovely mess

Love is always messy no matter what
People keep telling me my first ex
Was bad for or fucked me up it's
Annoying to me sure we weren't perfect
Sure they tore down my psyche at times
And yet people don't like the fact it happened because I refused to get help
A martyr complex born from childhood grief being depressed since I was ten
My ex was the reason I didn't slash
My throat ear to ear in middle school
They gave me things I never had growing up
Love and hope are dangerous when you don't know what
To do with either of them love
Is ironic for me I'm a helpless romantic and yet love is only a concept
The weight to the word is rarely there for me I just say it because
It's an expectation from family
Even then the world feel empty
But with my first ex ever time I said it to them
It was different it held a reverent weight when leaving my lips
I've lost count how many times we
Tried to make it work still don't know why it never does

The distance between us is constantly rationalized always changing
The tension between us a tow cable of shipping frigate and the anchor line braided into one
There's nothing we can do when the clock is ticking against them
Perhaps its because we don't want
The inevitable to hurt more than it already will
Romance stories are a guilty pleasure of mine
Sometimes the hit me in the feelings that just sit with me
They don't fade they don't disappear
I know they'll never go away
People only care about the negative parts of your relationships
They like to think they know what's best for you
Sometimes they're right others
It just feels like they don't want to
Factor in the other parts the good
Love is always a messy aspect of life
One I usually traversed like a minefield one step here another there oh that's not good
But with my first ex I felt like I mattered
Not because I was family not because I was a pawn in a petty family war
No just for the fact someone made sure to show me I mattered out of them choosing to
We were a lovely mess one stuck in they're own head another in a terrible home
And yet I always look back at those times
And long for them to just hold me again
Longing to look up I'm cackling from having my ribs tickled red
Just to see that infatuating smile
Knowing I'll never get to at least not in person
And I don't know which hurts more
The yearning for something out of reach or the memories of times past
Both cause me have knives slip into my heart and yet it's a pain
I've learned to endure for I think
They're to only person who will
Have my entire heart all because
They spent three weeks of us in one class breaking my walls
All just so I couldn't be a ghost
Early on I was orbiting them because they were the only person
I'm that school who mattered to me
Were complete opposites they're loud I'm quite and reserved
I still wish I knew what changed between us

We both know that we still have feelings for one another
So we stay at a distance that some how
Hurts me more than breaking my arm ever did
The selfies we send eachother reminds me I still get memorized
By their beauty I still gush to them about their looks
We joke about the tension between us that never feel like jokes
But truths that we try to make a joke of
And yet I just want to feel like I mattered even if it's just them stealing my body heat
Or them just listening to me rambling about my interests
I'd trade anything to feel like nothing changed but we're still a lovely mess
They live in my head more than I admit
They're basically my entire heart
I doubt I'll feel the same way with someone else
I've already tried once it didn't go well
Why is love such a mess is it human nature or something else