Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 204: Saturday 18th March 2017 23:49

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Day 204
Saturday 18th March 2017 23:49

An interesting day with a tense and emotional departure.

I woke up to a loud voice being projected over a tannoy. "Good morning residents of Dumpville," the masculine and slightly patronising voice said, "This is your leader Ronald Dump."  He went on to tell us what was happening in Dumpville today and what his plans were, pointing out particular highlights, including judging a kids' fancy dress competition, welcoming recent new arrivals and speaking to the "wonderful and dedicated" soldiers up on the walls who keep us safe. It was like an apocalyptic hi-de-hi.

Some of us had breakfast in our own chalets and others had it in the big main dining hall next to Triton's. I ate my breakfast at home on my own. It's weird calling a place 'my home' but it's great at the same time too. The sense of normality is amazing and I can honestly say this is the first place that's actually felt like a proper home in ages.

Later in the morning we were all assembled in front of the stage at Triton's, waiting to meet the one and only Ronald Dump. Tina wasn't with us. She was with her "husband" Troy. More on that later. We were all sat in rows talking about how great it was to sleep in a comfy bed, have hot showers and eat properly cooked food, although Trudy could always be relied upon to complain about something. "What was all that noise this morning?" she moaned, "I was still in bed." "Trudy, it was nine o clock," I said. "Exactly," she said, "I was having a nice dream about Channing Tatum and I get woken up by frigging Gladys Pugh telling me when the b*stard bins are getting emptied." Mike came over to me, smiled and said he was going to ask Adrian if we could both could share a chalet. I told Mike not to say anything and that me and him needed to have a serious talk later.

After a while, Adrian came on the stage and introduced Ronald. "What's with the big build up?!" Trudy said loudly, "It's some bloke in a holiday camp, not Kylie at the O2 Arena." Adrian fell silent and without further ado we were introduced to the leader of Dumpville. A large, overweight man with dyed bright blonde hair, far too much fake tan and teeth that were ridiculously white, waddled on to the stage. He wore an ill-fitting suit and a Union Jack tie. "What the f*ck is that?" Trudy quietly said under her breath. "Is he orange?" I whispered to Naomi. "Orange?" said DeShawn, "He's a shade away from being black." "Shush," said Naomi, trying not to laugh, "He's obviously just into getting a tan." "A tan?" I said, "More like a varnish. What sort of tan is that? Mahogany sunset?" "He looks like a retired Oompa Loompa that's escaped from an old people's home," giggled Trudy. Ronald asked for a bit of hush and we all remained quiet while he explained a few things. He officially introduced himself and explained he was the MP for the local area before the outbreak hit. "This is the start of rebuilding society," he confidently said, "It all begins right here. When the world returns to normal and civilisation is re-established they'll look back at this moment and say 'It all started at Dumpville.'" It was like listening to a politician who was full of his own self-importance. He explained how he came to an agreement with the army and that he worked with them to establish Dumpville. He said the army go out on a daily basis and bring back various supplies and the occasional group of survivors. He said that there are a number of experienced builders in Dumpville and that with the soldiers help, they worked very hard to build the walls around the holiday park. "I firmly believe this is the safest place in the whole of England," said Ronald, "And I love this country with all my heart and I'm going to make it great again." He went on and on, and said that we need to work together to make this country great and that we will do that with the help of God and by working as a team. I rolled my eyes. This was painful to listen to. He also said he wanted to make sure that he didn't let anyone unsavoury or perverted into Dumpville. "I don't want perverts, paedophiles, weirdos and criminals in this place," said Ronald, "I know that out there, behind those walls, killing is essential to stay alive, but there will be no killing in here." "What about perversion?" asked an assertive Naomi, "What does that mean?" Ronald smiled, blinded us all with his white teeth, took a step forward and addressed Naomi. "Little lady," he said patronisingly, "What might your little name be?" "My little name is Naomi," she replied assertively. "Named after my favourite sexy supermodel," said Ronald, "Well little lady, this is a civilised matter, so if you have a question, you must put your hand up." Naomi looked at me and appeared annoyed. This guy was obviously p*ssing her off and I could see why. Naomi put her hand up and repeated the question. "Well little lady," said Ronald. Naomi interrupted. "Please don't call me little lady," said Naomi, "I find it very patronising and quite sexist." "There's nothing sexist about it," said Ronald with a patronising smile, "I've always admired the feminine form." "Can you just answer my question please," said Naomi. "Well, NAOMI," said Ronald, "In answer to your question, you have nothing to worry about. A pretty little thing like you doesn't need to be concerned with perversion." "That doesn't answer my question," said Naomi. "I think you'll find it does sweetheart," said Ronald with a cheesy grin. This man is clearly a c*ck. I can see why TJ likes him.