Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 268: Sunday 21st May 2017 23:14

https://www.facebook.com/lukesdiary/posts/296620124112301

Day 268
Sunday 21st May 2017 23:14

Another busy day canvassing.

I haven't seen Naomi today. I think she's in a mood with me. It should be me that's in a mood with her. She's the one who snogged me and then tells me she's thinking of another man. If I'd done that to her it would have been me that looked like the bad guy. Esther might be a bossy cow but at least she's honest about sex just being sex.

The first door I knocked on today was Troy's. I asked him if he was going to vote for me. "Depends," says Troy, "What's in it for me?" "You'll have a lot more freedom," I said. "Freedom?" questioned Troy, "How do you mean?" "Well you'll be taught how to drive," I said, "And you'll be able to leave this place whenever you want." "Why would I want to leave?" asked Troy, "It's a f*cking sh*t-hole out there. At least in here I've got a roof over my head and food in my belly. From the way that shirt's gripping your stomach it looks like you've got a lot of food in your belly too. Shouldn't you be wearing a suit or something if you're going around trying to get votes?" "We don't have a huge choice of suits here Troy," I said, "Look, if you vote for me you'll get more of a say in what job you have here. You can't be happy cleaning?" Troy shrugged. "Not bothered," he said. "Come on Troy," I said, "We all know that Dump's sexist, racist and homophobic. That's why you and DeShawn have got such cr*p jobs." "Oh so that's your little trick is it?" asked Troy, "You speak to all of the gays, all of the women and all of the black people and get them on side eh?" "Well I don't think there's anything wrong with that," I said, "I'm sure you and DeShawn can do more than cleaning and I'm sure Trudy can do more than just clean kitchens. Dump can't treat people like this." "Look," said Troy, "I think Dump's a tosser. He's just an overweight man, in badly fitting clothes, who's losing his hair. Does it sound familiar?" I looked at Troy and frowned. I bit my tongue as I resisted the urge to slap him in the face. "Troy," I said, "You are one of a few people of minority in here and I think you need to be represented properly. If you vote for me I promise you won't be cleaning anymore." "What will I be doing?" asked Troy. "Well I don't know," I said, "But it can't be any worse than cleaning." "Esther said she's give me a job entertaining people at Triton's," said Troy. "Oh come on, Troy," I said, "You don't want Esther to be in charge do you? When we first met you used to call her ET?" "I used to call you Baldilocks and the Three Hairs," said Troy. "I am not bald!" I loudly snapped. "Bald, Comb-over. Whatever," said Troy. "Look, if you vote for Esther and she becomes leader, you'll regret it," I said. "Are you threatening me?" asked Troy. "No you daft sod," I said, "I don't mean it like that." I carried on trying to speak but Troy interrupted me. "Look, I'm voting for Mia," he said, "She promised that me and her could play dress up parties and drinking games twice a week. The only way you'll get me to vote for you is if you build a big gay sauna on the beach." As Troy tried to close the door I stopped him. "Wait," I said, "I can't build a big gay sauna but how about a gay night once a week at Triton's." Troy's interest piqued. "Really?" he said, "A big gay clubbing night type thing?" "Yeah," I said, "But only if you vote for me." Troy smiled and flung his arms around me. "It's a deal," he said with a smile on his face, "You might dress like a pensioner who's lived in a charity shop all his life but you've definitely got my vote." I was happy about this. RESULT!

Later on I was walking home when TJ came up to me. "Oh God," I said, "What do you want?" "Are you serious about trying to win this election thing?" he asked. "Of course I am," I said, "I'm not doing all this for fun." "Well why haven't you been to see me?" asked TJ, "Don't you want my vote?" "TJ," I said, "I'm not going to beg you to vote for me when it's obvious you'll be voting for Dump." "Ah, don't be too sure gay boy," said TJ, "If Dump's no longer the boss, Destiny might find him less attractive." "LESS attractive?" I said, "He's looks like a leathery old Oompa Loompa that retired from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory a hundred years ago. How attractive can he look?" "You're a fine one to talk," said TJ, "You make the Elephant Man look like Superman. Anyway, all I'm saying is that there might be more chance of me getting Destiny into bed if she sees Dump as a less powerful man," said TJ, "I just need to decide who to vote for." "Well I'm not going to beg you," I said, "And this election is NOT about you getting  Destiny into bed, you know?" "Well I might vote for Mia, then," said TJ. I giggled. "Fine," I said, "Vote for Mia. You've just told me you don't want Dump in charge any more. I know you won't want Esther in charge so do you really think I believe you'll vote for Mia when you could choose me?" "Chill out gay boy," said TJ, "I'm only having a laugh. Anyway, there are people round here that still think you're a bit of a weirdo. You need to get as many votes as possible." I stopped, turned and looked at TJ. "Fine," I said, "Just tell me what you want." "A wet T-shirt competition once a week where I'm the judge," said TJ. "Oh for God's sake," I said, "That's not going to help me win votes. In fact that's the sort of regime I'm trying to get rid of." "Chill out Germaine Greer," said TJ, "Everyone loves a good pair of t*ts. I'm not saying we should force anyone. We could just ask for volunteers. I'm sure there are a few birds round here that would be prepared to get their knockers out for entertainment." "I can't stand in front of everyone and propose a wet T-shirt competition," I said, "No one will want me to be leader." "I will," said TJ. "Apart from you," I said, "Look I'm prepared to consider exploring the possibility of adult entertainment for adults but it has to be dealt with delicately." I couldn't believe what I was saying to TJ but my approach to his smutty suggestion was a lot more mature and balanced than his and it has secured me his vote. Another good result!

I did a bit more canvassing and a few other people told me they were going to vote for me but the insecure part of me wonders if they're just telling all the candidates what they want to hear. I haven't seen Dump all day. I'm starting to feel very suspicious. What is he up to and why isn't he canvassing for votes? Tomorrow is the big Q&A debate in Triton's. Let's hope it goes well.