Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 248: Monday 1st May 2017 23:21

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Day 248
Monday 1st May 2017 23:21

What a day. TJ got on my nerves, I provided Dump with w*nk material and I made a pr*ck of myself in front of Esther.

Everyone's heard about what happened yesterday. Mia couldn't understand why I was sick on Sophie when there are plenty of other places to be sick, Mary made it obvious that she disapproved quite strongly and that I shouldn't be around children, and Troy said that he thought being sick anywhere was disgusting. TJ had lots to say – more on that later.

I was, as expected, summoned to Dump's office. He asked me about all the goings on with Sophie and her parents yesterday. I explained how it was a big misunderstanding, and I was pleasantly surprised to hear that Dump was completely on my side. "You were talking about those dogs weren't you?" he said. "Yeah that's right," I said. "If Sophie's parents knew the names of your dogs and you knew the names of Sophie's parents, none of this would have happened," said Dump. I hate to say it but he had a point. "While this is clearly another embarrassing misunderstanding, I don't think you did yourself any favours when you threw up on Sophie," said Dump. "Well that was your wife's fault," I said. Dump looked confused. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well she gave me a burger whilst she was stuffing her face in the kitchens," I said, "The meat was off and that's what made me ill and that's what made me vomit all over Sophie." "Stuffing her face in the kitchens?" Dump asked, sounding angry, "Who have you told about that?" "I haven't told anyone" I said, "But I did tell her that the food wasn't just for her and that she needed to think of others." Dump frowned and pointed at me. "Now listen here, Warm," he aggressively said, "You don't tell anyone what you saw, you got that?" "I won't tell anyone," I said, "I'm really not that bothered about it. I don't see what the big secret is." "You just make sure you keep your mouth shut about what you saw," said Dump with a threatening tone. "I won't say a word," I said, "I've already promised Destiny I won't say anything." There was a pause. I had no idea, at this point, why Dump was getting so angry about it. I just thought his wife was a greedy b*tch. The conversation returned to the shenanigans with Sophie and her parents. "I was going to suggest that you apologise to them," said Dump, "But as yesterday's apology ended up with you vomiting all over a nine year old child I think it's best you avoid the family." I agreed with him; me keeping my distance sounds like a good idea. Dump said he's spoken to Sophie's parents and explained the misunderstanding which surprisingly enough, they seemed to understand. I guess that when they went out back and found that I didn't have a nine year old child tied to their washing line pole, they realised that I was talking about the dogs and that I wasn't a creepy paedophile. However, me flashing at their daughter one day and then violently throwing up on her the next, is not something they're going to forget. I'll be keeping my distance.

Dump then asked how things were going between me and my mystery woman. I tried to be vague and change the subject but it didn't work. "Oh come on," said Dump, "All guys together. You getting it regularly?" "Well since the ball pool debacle we've decided to keep things a bit quiet," I said. "Before I met Destiny, I had a lady friend from Italy," said Dump, "She was sex mad. Couldn't get enough of it. She introduced me to Pavarotti you know? We kept in touch. Mind you, this apocalypse has probably turned him into an infected." I frowned with confusion. "What are you on about?" I asked, "Pavarotti died in 2007." Dump looked a bit embarrassed; like I'd caught him out. "Anyway," he said, "Tell me more about this little lady of yours. Is she a right go-er?" "Err . . . yeah," I said, "She's a right nympho. She can't keep her hands off me." "And what sort of stuff is she into?" asked Dump, "What does she like you doing to her?" "Oh you know," I said, struggling to find things to say, "Just . . . sex stuff . . . you know." "Come on, Luke," said Dump, "No need to be shy with me. I'm a man of the world. Do you give it to her good and hard?" I felt like I was being asked to provide Dump with w*nk material. It felt a bit uncomfortable but what with all the recent goings on I needed to keep him on side. "Well," I said, "She likes it when I go at her really hard." Dump had a pervy smile on his face. "It's been a while since we last did it," I said, "So she'll be all over me when we next do it." "Yeah," said Dump, "Like a tramp on chips." "Yeah," I said, "She can't get enough of it," I said, telling Dump what he wanted to hear, "Gagging for it she is. Obsessed with it. When I'm really going for it she makes a noise like a cow being branded with a hot branding iron." I carried the farce on for a while and I was just glad that I had managed to keep Dump where I wanted him and that Esther hadn't heard what I'd said.