Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 244: Thursday 27th April 2017 19:13

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Day 244
Thursday 27th April 2017 19:13

Not a bad day. TJ annoyed me and Mia got confused but apart from that, nothing else interesting happened. I still don't know who the mystery paedophile is. Maybe I should stop digging. It's bound to be Dump or the vicar.

I was sat on the beach with Mia enjoying the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. I was laid on a chair drinking a cold glass of diet coke with a smile on my face and the sun on my skin, feeling pretty good. The beautiful silence was broken when Mia opened her mouth. "What do you think of paedos?" she casually said. I quickly sat bolt upright and spat a mouthful of fizzy pop out of my mouth. "You what?!" I loudly said. "Paedos," said Mia, "What do you think of them?" "Why the Hell are you asking me that?" I exclaimed. "Well we're on the beach and there's all these men about," said Mia, "So it's got me thinking of paedos. Are you for them or against them?" "I'm against them, obviously!" I exclaimed, "What a thing to ask." "Why are you against them?" asked Mia, "I know they're not for everyone." "What do you mean, not for everyone?" I asked. "Well some paedos are really awful," said Mia, "You just look at them and think, ugh, but some aren't too bad. I suppose some are alright. Not bad to look at." "Not bad to look at?!" I exclaimed, "Mia, what they do is awful." "Well I know they don't do any favours for some," said Mia, "But they're not all bad. When I was a kid Mum and Dad used to take me to the seaside and you'd see loads of paedos all over the place. I was quite fascinated with them." "Wait a minute," I said, "How do you know they were paedos?" "Well, I've got eyes, Luke," said Mia, "Anyway I heard my Mum talking about them. There was this boy playing in the sea with his and Mum pointed over and said 'Look at that poor lad. Those paedos have got a right tight grip on his b*llocks.'" "What?!" I yelled, "Your Mum was just sitting there watching? Why didn't she say something?" "Well it was none of her business," said Mia, "Anyway it was a bit awkward because my Dad was a big fan of paedos. In fact he loved them. He always used to say that he knew they weren't to everyone's taste and that not a lot of people liked them but he thought they were alright and they didn't do a bad job of doing what they set out to do." "Mia," I said, "Before we carry this conversation on, I need to ask; do you know what paedos are?" "Err . . . yes. Of course I do," said Mia, "I'm not stupid, Luke." "OK," I said, "Tell me what you think paedos are." Mia pointed towards two men who were splashing about in the sea. "There," she said, "Paedos. Mind you, those do look bad." "Mia, do you know who those men are?" I asked. "I think one of them is a bouncer," said Mia, "But I don't know the other one." "Mia," I said, "You can't tell someone's abused children just by looking at them." "Eh?!" exclaimed Mia, loudly, "Child abuse! What are you talking about!?" "You've just called those two blokes paedos," I said. "No," said Mia, "I said they're WEARING paedos." There was a pause. I closed my eyes and asked myself why I continue to lumber myself with this brain dead dunce. "Speedos!" I yelled, "Not paedos. Speedos!" "Aren't they the same thing?" asked Mia. "No!" I yelled, "Why the f*ck would you think paedos and speedos and are the same thing? Speedos are tight swimming trunks and paedos, or paedophiles, to use the proper word, are people who sexually abuse children." "Oooh," said Mia, "I'd better not get them mixed up." God! I need to find someone to hang around with who doesn't make me feeling like hitting myself in the face with a frying pan every five minutes.

In the evening I was stood at the bar having a drink on my own when TJ and Destiny came up to me. "Drinking on your own you sad little w*nker?" asked TJ. "Yep," I said, "It's preferable to drinking with you." Destiny giggled. "Oh it's so funny how you two bounce off each other," she said. "You can bounce off me if you like," TJ said with a cheeky grin. Destiny replied by giggling and told TJ that he said the naughtiest things. "I love how close you two are," Destiny said referring to me and TJ. "We're not close," we both simultaneously said at the time. "Oh but you are," said Destiny, "You stick to each other like glue. You're like brothers." "We're really not," I bluntly said. "Oh but you are," said Destiny, "I wish I had a brother to look out for me. Mind you I've got my lovely husband, Ronald haven't I? My Mum used to look after me but we lost her in all the chaos. I miss my Mum." "What was her name?" asked TJ, "Was she as good looking as you?" Destiny giggled. "Her name was Deb," she said, "I really miss her." "The new person who arrived is called Deb," I said, "Well Debra." Destiny said she hadn't met her and then started asking me about my Mum. "Look," I said, "I'd prefer to be on my own." "That's what saddos with tiny c*cks who don't have any friends say, when they can't find anyone to drink with them," said TJ. "We don't mind keeping you company," said Destiny, "I want to know how you and TJ met." "No you don't," I bluntly said, standing there looking p*ssed off, thinking how much the woman annoyed me. "We met at the clap clinic if you must know," I said. "Clap clinic?" questioned Destiny, "Is that something to do with your hands?" I rolled my eyes. "It's where you go when you think you've got a sexually transmitted infection," said TJ, "I was there because of Gonorrhoea." "Was that your ex-girlfriend?" asked Destiny. I was finding it hard standing next to this dumb blonde and not telling her how stupid she is. "That's a sexually transmitted infection," I bluntly said. "I used to get them," said Destiny, "They're not nice are they? Mind you some are worse than others." "Exactly," said TJ, "This podgy little homo has just got rid of crabs." "Oh have you seen them on the beach?" asked Destiny. "God," I said, struggling to bite my tongue, "Not those sorts of crabs. Look, can we talk about something that doesn't relate to sexual diseases." "Anyway," TJ said to Destiny, "That's where we met. He was there because of Chlamydia." "Was that your ex-girlfriend, Lee?" Destiny asked. "Luke," I said. "Oh sorry," said Destiny, "I keep forgetting you're gay. I don't know, it's really obvious. Is Luke your ex-boyfriend's name?" "No," I said, "Luke is my name. I don't have any ex-boyfriends, and I'm not gay." "Who's Chla . . Chla . . ?" Destiny asked, struggling to say a word with more than three syllables. "Chlamydia is another sexual disease," I said, "If you must know I was there because I had a horrible one night stand." "With a fat old dinner lady," said TJ with a smirk on his face, "Imagine that. I was there because I'd had a one night stand too. Not something I'm proud of." "Yeah, right," I said. "I met this woman in a bar and she was chatting me up," said TJ, "She was all over me. Anyway, I went back to hers, we did the deed and then she told me that she knew she had Gonorrhoea and that she only had sex with me so she could give it to me." "Oh my God, that's awful," said Destiny.

Destiny said she had to go to the loo and she left me alone with a smug TJ. "Seen that," said TJ, "She's wet for me." "Yeah," I sarcastically said, "All this talk of sexually transmitted infections is really setting the mood and turning her on. D*ckhead." "I'm telling you, mate," said TJ, "She'll be in that toilet right now wringing her minge out in the sink." "All this talk of STIs has probably made her feel ill," I said, "She's probably gone to the loo to be sick," "She's probably gone to the loo to frig herself off," said TJ, "She is foaming at the gash for my c*ck." "Charming. You seem to forget she's married to Dump," I said, "Remember, your mate, Ronnie." "What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him," said TJ. "Well if you're going to chat her up can we have a little less bullsh*t," I said. "Seriously," said TJ, "I swear on Kay's memory everything I said is true. This woman was chatting me up. We had sex and then she said she'd given me Gonorrhoea. She said she was glad she'd given it to me because she thought I was an insufferable pain in the arse. Can you believe she said that to me?" "Now the story's more believable," I said, "You need to look in the mirror. You annoyed a woman so much that she had sex with you just so she could give you Gonorrhoea. Why you've just volunteered this information God only knows. It's nothing to be proud of, TJ." "Yeah but the story of me wrestling a shark is something to be proud of," he said with a smirk, "Anyway, I phoned all the clap clinics in the area and the only one that had any available appointments was the one at the central hospital. Pain in the arse. Imagine it though. If I hadn't have gone to that hospital on that day and that exact same time we'd have never met." "Hmmm," I replied without enthusiasm, "Lucky me."

I'm a bit worried about how far TJ might go to have sex with Destiny. I know he's mates with Dump but if he finds out TJ is trying to shag his wife I don't think he'll be very happy. The last couple of days have been slightly more bearable than they have been previously. I just hope TJ doesn't f*ck it all up by going too far in his quest to have sex with Destiny.