Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 384: Thursday 14th September 2017 23:31

https://www.facebook.com/lukesdiary/posts/343059506135029

Day 384
Thursday 14th September 2017 23:31

The others still aren't back and I'm starting to get really worried.

I've spent most of the day pacing up and down like a mad man. "You'll make a trench in that floor if you carry on," said Auntie Meryl. "I'm just worried," I said. "What about?" asked Auntie Meryl. I stopped and gave her a shocked look of disbelief. "Well isn't it obvious!?" I loudly exclaimed. Auntie Meryl looked confused. A look of realisation then appeared on her face. "Oh," she said, "Yes of course. Well I wouldn't worry, everything'll be OK." "You don't know that," I said. "Of course I do," said Auntie Meryl, "It'll be fine. Anyway there's no point in pacing up and down." "I can't help it," I said. "Well I wish you'd stop moving around, you're making me go dizzy," said Auntie Meryl. "I'm worried!" I exclaimed. "I've told you," said Auntie Meryl, "There's nothing to worry about. These things happen." "What do you mean these things happen?" I said, "These things shouldn't happen." "Well you need to be more careful," said Auntie Meryl. "More careful?" I said sounding confused, "What are you on about now? I'm stood here going mad with worry because I don't know what's going to happen. This could all end up in some sort of horrific death." "Oh don't be silly," said Auntie Meryl, "You're not going to die from a broken arm." I stared at Auntie Meryl and gave her a look of frustrated disbelief. "I'm not on about my broken arm you daft cow, I'm on about Naomi and the others going off to ACROBAT!" I yelled. "Don't you call me a daft cow or I'll put you across my knee and tan your arse," snapped an angry Auntie Meryl, "If Nomey and the others want to go off to see some acrobats then that's their business." I shook my head, feeling very impatient. "Anyway, I thought your arm was in a sling because you'd been doing too much w*nking," said Auntie Meryl, "That's what T Shirt said "No!" I loudly said, "Don't listen to him. I fell off a cliff. I told you all this yesterday! And his name's TJ, not T Shirt!" "You used to masturbate a lot when you were a kid," said Auntie Meryl, "An awful lot actually. Your Dad wanted to get a Doctor in. 'No lad should be pulling his plonker as often as that boy does' he used to say. The things your Mum used to tell me, oh they'd make my toes curl." "Can we change the subject please?" I said. "Don't be embarrassed," said Auntie Meryl, "Masturbating is normal. It's healthy. I mean it's not healthy to do it ten times a day like you used to do but it's still a healthy thing to do. Even I used to do it, but then it got in the way of me watching 'Countdown' so it had to go." "Auntie Meryl," I firmly said, "Can we please talk about something else. I don't want to chat to you about masturbating. Anyway I didn't do it ten times a day." "Well that's what your Mum used to say," said Auntie Meryl, "Your Dad thought you had some sort of hormone deficiency. I thought it was because you had no friends and couldn't get a girlfriend." "I'm going to get some water," I said. "Hang on," said Auntie Meryl, "What's going on with all these biker blokes?" "What do you mean?" I asked. "Well how long are they going to be here?" asked Auntie Meryl, "It stinks of smelly man sweat in here." "Well we can't just chuck them out," I said. "Is it true they're all that way inclined?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Yes they're all gay," I said. "Well you wouldn't think it to look at them would you?" said Auntie Meryl, "Proper big burly blokes. Mind you, if everything's in proportion big fellas like that must have very big arseholes to match the rest of them so I suppose it makes sense that they could end up having loads of things stuck up there. Why do you call them bears?" "Well it's because they're big strong hairy blokes," I said. "Oh," said Auntie Meryl, "I thought it was because they'd been outside sh*tting in the woods."

Later in the day Courtney told me that she thought we should go out and look for the others. "I didn't think you liked Naomi," I said. "I don't," said Courtney, "But Mike's alright – a bit misunderstood but alright." "Don't worry about our Mike," said TJ, "He can look after himself." "God you don't care about anyone but yourself do you?" Courtney snapped at TJ. "Alright chill out Little Mix," said TJ, "I'm staying here looking after my kids. Mike can look after himself." "Looking after your kids!" exclaimed Courtney, "That's a joke. It's poor Trudy that's doing all the work you sexist pig." "Look half pint," said TJ, "I'm not going to stand here and get lectured about parenting by some gobby teenage girl who left her own kid outside some church door. Do one rent-a-gob." Courtney stormed off in mood. "Go easy on her," I said to TJ, "Anyway, I think she has a point. We do need to think about looking for the others." "Oh yeah," said TJ, sarcastically, "An old senile woman, a gobby teenage girl, a corpse loving social outcast, a load of overweight gay guys who are scared of their own massive shadows and a bloke with a small c*ck and a broken arm. I'm sure you'll do great getting the others back. The ACROBAT lot will be sh*tting themselves. Me and Trudy are the only ones fit enough to be going out there and one of us needs to stay here with the kids." "Well why don't me and you go and look for the others while Trudy stays here looking after the twins," I said. "I'm not going out there with those drones flying around and spying on us," said TJ. "We got on OK before we knew the drones even existed," I said, "Anyway, if you don't want to go out then me and Trudy can go and look for the others and you stay here looking after the twins, dealing with sh*tty nappies and baby vomit." "No way," said a defensive TJ, "If you and Trudy go out your Auntie can watch the kids." "Forget it," I firmly said. "She doesn't mind," said TJ. "That's not the point," I snapped, "They're your kids, not Auntie Meryl's. It's not fair you keep fobbing them off to Trudy and Auntie Meryl. Take responsibility for God's sake and start being a Dad." "Mind your own business Nanna," said TJ. "I mean it TJ," I said with a serious tone, "You've got two choices; one, stay here looking after the kids while me and Trudy go out and look for the others, or two, you come with me and get the others." "Well you've only got one choice," said TJ, with a smile on his face, "Kiss my arse." TJ stuck two fingers up at me and walked off. Idiot! I can't go out on my own. I need some back up and someone needs to support me, what with my broken arm. I suppose I'd feel less scared if I had someone else with me too.

The more I think about it the more I think me going out at all is a stupid idea, especially with my broken arm. I wish we had some sort of radio so we could communicate with the others. I'm really worried about them and being stuck inside this garage, doing nothing and feeling helpless is really starting to annoy me.