Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 294: Friday 16th June 2017 20:46

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Day 294
Friday 16th June 2017 20:46

I've got the flu! I've felt ill all day which means our plan to bring down Dump has been put on pause until I'm feeling better.

I've been annoying TJ and DeShawn all day with my coughing and sneezing. As no one is really meant to know we're here they can't leave Seth and Naomi's so they've been stuck in here with me all day. Me and TJ have been snapping at each other too. "F*cking Hell!" he shouted, "Will you stopping sneezing?! You're getting on my bell end!" "I can't help it!" I snapped back, "I've got the flu." "Well I've got the hump," said TJ, "Just shut up." "You shut up" I snapped. "Both of you shut up!" shouted DeShawn, "Honestly, Amelia behaves more grown up than you. God, I'll be glad to get out of here. I'm getting cabin fever listening to you to squabbling like kids."

In the morning Auntie Meryl came round to see me. "All this secrecy," she said, "It's like Anne Frank's attic." Auntie Meryl promised me she hasn't told anyone and told me to be careful when taking on Dump. "I'm looking forward to it," I said, "He needs bringing down." "Who does?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Dump," I said, "The man we've just been talking about." "Where does he need bringing down from?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No," I said, "It's a saying." "What's a saying?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Oh it doesn't matter," I said, "All you need to know is that tomorrow is going to be a big day." "Well tomorrow's a big day for me too," said Auntie Meryl. "Well my big day will include me tackling Dump, confronting him over his behaviour, showing him proof of his corruption, ending his reign of tyranny and proving to everyone what a corrupt lying murdering b*stard he is. What's your big day?" "I'm getting a new sofa," said Auntie Meryl, "The springs have gone in mine so the soldiers are giving me one from an empty chalet." "Auntie Meryl," I said, "You can't compare what I'm going to do, to you getting a new sofa. Anyway there's no point in getting a new sofa. Once I've tackled Dump we'll all be leaving." "What do you mean?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Well we'll probably all go to City One," I said. "What's City One?" asked Auntie Meryl. "The MOD underground city," I said, "I've told you all this. You were here yesterday when we were talking about it. We won't be able to stay here after what goes on tomorrow." "Why not?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Auntie Meryl," I said with a serious tone, "Do you understand what's going to happen tomorrow? It's going to be a really important day. Something really big – really serious is going to happen here tomorrow. It's going to be the first time anything like this has happened here and it's going to change everything." "It's only a new sofa," said Auntie Meryl, "Why does that mean we have to leave?" "We're not leaving because you're getting a new sofa!" I shouted, "We're leaving because . . ." I couldn't finish my sentence. Auntie Meryl was getting on my nerves and I didn't have the energy. I told her to make sure she had a bag packed and was ready to leave tomorrow.

In the afternoon Mia came round. This was painful! "Right then," she said, "I've come to keep you company." "Lucky us," I sarcastically said. Mia offered to make some tea and asked what sort I wanted. "It's not like we have a wide selection," I said, "English Breakfast will do." "I can't make you a breakfast," said Mia, "I'm making tea. Not breakfast. Tea." I rolled my eyes and started sneezing. "Just normal tea," I said. "Oh are you not well?" asked Mia. "No," I sarcastically said, "I'm fighting fit. That's why I sound like sh*t and have a runny nose." "That's weird," said Mia, "Because they're usually signs that you're not well." "I'm being sarcastic," I said. "Well I'll make some tea," said Mia, "Come on TJ you can help me." "P*ss off," said TJ, "I've got a sprained ankle." "You need to get used to moving it about," said Mia, "Come on." TJ rolled his eyes and limped into the kitchen.

As Mia sat with me, DeShawn and TJ in Seth and Naomi's living room, she said something which shocked me. "What's the best way to do teabagging?" she asked. I spat a little bit of my tea out and chocked on the little mouthful I already had in my gob. "Teabagging?!" I exclaimed. "Oh I love a bit of teabagging," said TJ with a seedy smirk. "Why the Hell are you talking about teabagging?" I asked. "I just wondered what the best techniques were," said Mia, "I want to know if I'm doing it right." "You what?!" I exclaimed, "Who the frig have you been teabagging with?" "I do it with a few people," said Mia, "I did it with TJ in the kitchen just now." TJ was smirking, DeShawn looked shocked and I looked outraged. "You were in the kitchen teabagging with TJ?" I loudly said in disbelief. "Well yeah," said Mia, "Where else would you do teabagging? I just wonder what's the best way to do it? Do you squeeze them or just move them around a bit?" "I think you make sure they get wet and then give them a good squeeze," said TJ, with a smirk. "But how long do you keep them in for?" asked Mia. "Oooh, you keep them in for ages," said TJ, "They need to be dipped in and out and moved all about." "TJ shut up!" I loudly said in outrage, "Can we please stop talking about this?" "What's up?" asked Mia. "I don't want to talk about bl**dy teabagging!" I exclaimed. "Why not?" asked Mia. "He's not very good at it," said TJ, taking the p*ss. "You can't be bad at teabagging," said Mia, "It's one of those things you can never get wrong. Come on. I'll take you into the kitchen and we can do some teabagging now. I bet you're not as bad as you think." "Oh my God no!" I shouted. "What's up?" asked Mia, "It's only teabagging. Everyone does teabagging. Why have you got such a problem with teabagging?" "Stop saying teabagging!" I yelled at Mia, "I am NOT going to go into Seth and Naomi's kitchen with you and inserting my testicles into your mouth." "What?!" yelled Mia, "What are you talking about?! That's disgusting!" TJ started laughing. "Oh you can shut up," I snapped at him. "Why would you say something like that?" Mia asked me. "Me?" I shrieked, "You're the one talking about f*cking teabagging." "What's that got to do with putting your balls in someone's mouth?" asked Mia. "That's teabagging!" I shouted. "What?" exclaimed Mia, "Teabagging is where you make tea and dunk the teabag in and out of the cup and swirl it around to decide how weak or strong the tea is going to be. Teabagging." "That's not teabagging you f*cking stupid bint!" I yelled. "Yes it is," said Mia, "Teabagging with teabags. What else do you call it?" "It's not called teabagging it's just called making tea," I said, "No one calls it teabagging." "Well why's putting your balls in someone's mouth called teabagging?" asked Mia. "It's called teabagging because inserting your balls into someone's mouth is similar to inserting a teabag into a cup." "That doesn't make sense," said Mia, "You're saying putting teabags into water is NOT called teabagging but putting testicles into a mouth is. That's weird. They should call it something else instead of teabagging, like . . . ball bombing or dangler dunking. That would make more sense." "This is hilarious," TJ said, laughing his head off. "It's annoying," said DeShawn, "I'm going mad being stuck in here with you lot." I told Mia to change the subject and start talking about something else. There was a pause. "Well it's been a while since I've seen my clunge," said Mia, "If you deal with Dump and the soldiers tomorrow we might be able to freely access the armoury." "Yeah," I said, "My 'knush' and my sword are in there. I just hope Dump hasn't done anything with them." "Well if he's put his fingers anywhere near my clunge I won't be happy," said Mia, "It wasn't easy getting it to the state it's in now."

I've had a chat with DeShawn, TJ, Seth and Naomi and we're going to see if we can get the guns from the secret room in Dump's house. Whatever weapons we manage to get hold of can be put with the guns we took from the three recently killed privates. If things do get violent it will mean we have a good amount of weapons to try and defend ourselves. Naomi and Seth said they'd gather everyone in Triton's ready to be told all about Dump whilst DeShawn and I confronted the man himself. I just hope I've shaken the worst of this flu off tomorrow so I can be all geared up to tackle the big orange dictator.