Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 228: Tuesday 11th April 2017 20:19

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Day 228
Tuesday 11th April 2017 20:19

It's not been a great day. TJ, as predicted said a number of stupid and childish comments to me and I managed to p*ss off Naomi, Mia, Esther and Mary.

The day started off well when Naomi came to see me at work. I wasn't sure if she'd come to have a go or talk about everything that came tumbling out the day before yesterday. She told me she was sorry for having a go at me and that she realised she might have overreacted. "Well I suppose I did act like a bit of knob, too," I said. "Yes," Naomi said bluntly, "In fact you were a lot of a knob but I didn't help. I just can't believe you shagged Esther. I mean come on, out of all the women in this place to have sex with, you have sex with the bossiest, most hard faced cow you could possibly meet." "Yes, I know," I replied, "It's not something I'm proud of." "Well it's something you shouldn't be proud of," said Naomi, "You're not exactly the best of friends. Whenever you talk about her you're usually slagging her off." "Yes, I know," I said, "Anyway, don't you think we've got more important things to talk about, like making sure everyone keeps their mouths shut about Mike." "Oh don't worry about that," Naomi said casually, "I've had a chat with everyone and they're all going to keep quiet. Anyway, you and Esther. I mean, Oh my God! It's kind of hypocritical to have sex with someone you don't really like." "Yes, I know," I emphasized, "I know all of this. Have you just come round here to point out the obvious? If I didn't know better I'd say you were jealous." "Jealous?!" exclaimed Naomi, "Are you having a laugh? Why would I be jealous? A drunken bunk up with Cruella is hardly something that I'd be jealous of." "I'm NOT talking about you being jealous of me." Naomi looked confused and then she suddenly realised what I was talking about. "Are you suggesting that I am jealous of Esther because she got to have sex with you?" she said, sounding a bit annoyed, "Is that what you're actually suggesting?" "Well you sound jealous," I said, "I'm only saying." Naomi stood up and looked frustrated. "God, you really can be a prize pr*ck sometimes," she said, "I come in here, apologise for having a go and you have the audacity to imply that I'm jealous because you had sex with Esther." Naomi started to storm off but I quickly grabbed her arm and stopped her. "No, wait," I said, "Look I'm sorry, can we just forget it? I'm being a knob." "Yes, you're being a knob, AGAIN," snapped Naomi, "If you think I'd get jealous because you shagged Esther, you're not right in the head. You're worse than TJ sometimes. You need to grow up and stop flattering yourself." Naomi then left. I didn't think I was being a knob, I just said that because I didn't want to fall out with Naomi. In my opinion she was acting a bit jealous, which to be honest, I kind of liked. I didn't want to p*ss her off though. I also think her comparing me to TJ was a bit much. I guess she hates the idea of me having sex with someone else and she's just lashing out. Check me out. I have sex with one woman and another gets jealous. Boom!

When I left work, TJ came up to me. I'd been dreading this all day. "Now then gay boy," he said with a large grin on his face, "Top class entertainment you provided the other day." "OK," I said, rolling my eyes, "Come on, get on with it. Let's have it." "Well shagging Esther," said TJ, "Where do I start? I'm not sure who should be more mortified; you or her. I'm quite impressed you manage to do anything with your tiny cocktail sausage of a d*ck. I heard Esther telling Trudy she couldn't tell the difference between when you were inside her and when you weren't." "Very good," I said sounding bored, "Got any more?" "Well hearing that you made her eat Benjamin's toenails and then caught crabs off her was hilarious." "Well the crabs have gone now," I said, "And anyway considering how and where we met I don't think you can take the piss out of anyone having a STI." "Sounds like you're sticking up for your girlfriend," said TJ. "She's not my girlfriend and I'm not sticking up for her," I said. "Well I wouldn't worry," said TJ, "I saw Esther leaving the Doctors this morning so I suppose she's all cleared up now. I caught crabs twice you know; once from Emma Watson after she'd finished filming the last Harry Potter film. She was a dirty b*tch. Loved it up the arse; and then off Jessica Ennis, just after she'd won gold in the Olympics. She had one of the tightest snatches I've been in." "OK," I said, "Is that it or have you got more bullsh*t for me?" "Well, mate," said TJ, "I'm just happy that you managed to get a shag. I mean it might have been with a frigid control freak who makes Margaret Thatcher look like Mary Poppins but beggars can't be choosers and you are most certainly a beggar." Whatever," I said, "But since all this started I've shagged Eve and Esther. Say what you want about them but Eve was an attractive woman and even though she's a tw*t, Esther is also quite attractive. Who have you shagged? Chav-tastic Trudy, who you got pregnant. I'd rather end up with crabs than a baby." "Ha!" laughed TJ, "As if your inferior swimmers could get someone pregnant. I've probably got Tiny TJ juniors scattered all of the country. Esther couldn't even feel you inside her." "Is that it?" I asked, "Is this over now?" "No need to get crabby," said TJ, "Ha! Get it? Crabby?" "Well done," I sarcastically said. "When you phone for a taxi, do you ask for a mini crab?" he continued, giggling, "Oh and then there's the spunk sandwich." "I thought it was salad cream," I said. "So?" said TJ, "I thought I was going to fart once but I still ended up sh*tting myself. I bet Troy wasn't happy that you had his boyfriend's load in your mouth." "I don't want to talk about it," I said. "What did you have for dessert?" asked TJ, "A cake made of sh*t? Maybe a pint of p*ss to wash it down with?" "You're disgusting," I said. "Me?!" exclaimed TJ, "You're the one going around eating semen sarnies. I don't know what's more embarrassing, eating Benjamin's jizz or finding out Esther thinks you were a cr*p shag." This is when I snapped. "Actually!" I loudly snapped, "I'll have you know that I wasn't a cr*p shag. I was f*cking great! That b*tch was gagging for it and the noises she was making suggested that she was more than satisfied. I was balls deep in her and she couldn't get enough of it. Oh yeah, Luke, she said, give it to me, do me harder, make me moan, cum on my t*ts." I then clocked the look on TJ's face which suggested someone was stood behind me listening to what I was saying. I turned round to see Esther with a furious look on her face. "Oh sh*t," I said, "Esther I . . ." Before I could continue to explain, she interrupted me and called me a pr*ck. "And by the way," Esther said to TJ, "It was the worst and the most boring sexual experience of my life. There was absolutely zero enjoyment, Luke was cr*p beyond words and he clearly didn't know what he was doing. I'd have had a more fun sitting in a room on my own staring at a wall." Esther looked and pointed at me, frowned and said "You're an arsehole." She then stormed off. I turned and looked at TJ. "Well thanks a lot," I snapped, "Thanks for making an awkward situation, even worse." I then stormed off and left TJ to enjoy his moment. Moron!