Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 366: Sunday 27th August 2017 20:16

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Day 366
Sunday 27th August 2017 20:16

What a dramatic day. I'm currently surrounded by infected and I've got two babies to look after.

In the morning I walked outside to get some fresh air and I noticed TJ sat on one of the benches reading one of Auntie Meryl's old magazines. I peered over and noticed that he was reading an article entitled 'Is my penis too small?' This was obviously gold dust to me. A big smile appeared on my face. "Are you reading what I think you're reading?" I said with a giggle. "Chill out Nanna," said TJ, "According to this article the size of my c*ck is significantly bigger than the national average. How big is yours? One millimetre? Yours will be smaller than the national average." "Yeah right," I said. "Have a look," said TJ, showing me the magazine and pointing at a section of it, "If your c*ck's smaller than THAT it's significantly smaller than the national average according this scientific research." I looked at the article and a disappointed look appeared on my face. There was a short silence. "Just shut up, TJ," I said in a sulky strop. "Ha," laughed TJ, "Even science thinks you've got a conker cock." "Look, are you not bothered about what Naomi said yesterday?" "About having a fight with Trudy?" asked TJ, "Not really. The gobby chav could do with a bit of a slap." "No you thoughtless knob," I said, "I'm on about what she said about me and you." "About us being gay?" said TJ. "No," I said starting to get annoyed, "Hang on . . . is that what she said? I didn't hear her say that. When did she say that?" "I think she said something to Mike," said TJ. "Does she think I'm gay?" I said feeling a bit outraged. TJ shrugged. "Probably," he casually said, "Most people that meet you think you're gay, and you did snog me in a gay sauna." "You snogged me d*ckhead, I didn't snog you," I protested. "Yeah but you snogged me in front of Sci-Fi Cyn," said TJ, "I bet you got a right stork on." "Can we get back to the point please?" I insisted, "Those ACROBAT people told Naomi that they wanted her to bring me and you and you to them. I mean, why me and you? Doesn't that bother you?" "Well I suppose it does a bit," said TJ, "But there's no point in stressing about it is there? Those ACROBAT f*ckers know that we're here. If they really wanted us they could just come and get us." "Well I'm just intrigued to know WHY they wanted me and you. I mean what do they want us for? How do they know us? What do they know about us? How long have they been spying on us with these drone things? What is it about me and you?" "Oh for f*cks sake Nanna, just chill out," said TJ, "Maybe they want to do scientific experiments on us both and compare the effects between someone with a massive penis, like me, and someone with an embarrassingly small, microscopic penis, like you." TJ wasn't taking my concerns seriously so I left him to it. Stupid man. Why isn't he curious or worried like I am? I wondered. ACROBAT specifically asked for us and I want to know why.

Later in the day was when all the drama kicked off. It was late in the afternoon and everyone was getting on my nerves. Auntie Meryl was asking if we were all going to train to become acrobats, TJ had told everyone I had a penis smaller than the national average, Courtney was stomping around like a moody teenager, Trudy and Naomi kept exchanging disapproving looks and Lindon was his usual silent self and kept eating all of the food. He's a cheeky, lazy sod. I was getting annoyed with everyone so I decided to go outside and join Mike who was with the twins. He was sat on the swings at the far end of the children's play area. I walked over to him and smiled. "You're a proper doting uncle aren't you?" I said. "I'm just glad Trudy lets me spend time with them," said Mike. "Why wouldn't she?" I asked. "Well I know people still think I'm a bit weird," said Mike. "You've looked after those twins and got them out of Dumpville," I said, "You got loads of us out Dumpville. Anyway, we've got enough drama to deal with at the moment what with Courtney and Trudy giving Naomi daggers." "Yeah, and all that ACROBAT stuff's weird isn't it?" said Mike, "Why would they tell Naomi to bring you and TJ to them?" "Thank you!" I loudly said, "It's nice that someone acknowledges that." I walked over to the fence and looked on the other side of the fields at the woods ahead of us. It was so peaceful. No infected about. You could almost forget that we were in the middle of an apocalypse. As I admired the calming scenery I frowned with confusion as I looked ahead. There was something that looked out of place in the middle of the field in front of me. Curiosity got the better of me, so I jumped over the fence . . .  well I stumbled over the fence and banged my arse on the edge . . . and started walking towards the strange item. "What are you doing?" Mike called after me, "Where are you going? You need a weapon!"