Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 324: Sunday 16th July 2017 22:01

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Day 324
Sunday 16th July 2017 22:01

It's been a very emotional day. Sally has left but she left with someone we really didn't expect her to.

The drama started when I was sat on Main Street with Sally, Mia and Troy. We were talking about how it would be a good idea to go out looking for Seth and Josh. "I don't believe Seth is dead," said Troy, "No one that fit's going to get eaten by the infected, and when I say fit, I don't just mean 'f*ck me' fit, I mean physically fit. Well, I do mean 'f*ck me' fit too. He's physically fit and 'f*ck me' fit. I used to watch him with his hose spraying the vegetable garden and I used to wish he'd get his hose out and spray all over me like that." I gave Troy a disapproving look and signalled that he should shut up. "Well if he did that you'd get soaked," said a confused Mia. "Ooooh I bl**dy hope so," said Troy with a naughty smile. "Will you shut up?" I firmly said, "For God's sake, Seth's missing, have some respect." "Oh shut up," said Troy, "He's not here is he?" "No, but Sally's sat here," I said, "And she's just lost her husband and granddaughter, plus her grandson's missing. She doesn't want to hear your sexual fetishes." "Oh that's not really a sexual fetish," said Troy, "Now I can tell you about a sexual fetish involving me, Seth, DeShawn, a sling and a vibrating butt plug." "Oh God, please just shut up," I said. "Is a butt plug something you put in the bath?" asked Mia. "Will you both just shut up?" I said, sounding tired. "Well I'm just glad you're back," Mia said to me, "It sounds like you went through Hell out there. Mind you it's nice that you had time to go cottaging." Sally gave Mia a confused look, Troy looked shocked and delighted at the same time, and I looked annoyed and bewildered. "Cottaging!?" Troy exclaimed. "Yeah," said Mia, "TJ told me. Some rundown little place in the middle of nowhere." "You went cottaging!?" Troy exclaimed with glee. "I did not go cottaging," I firmly said, "Mia, you've got the wrong end of the stick. Again." "No," said Mia, "You were on your way to see the Traders but you stopped off and went cottaging." "Did you get any action?" asked Troy, "I used to go cottaging and I got up to all sorts. Were there any glory holes?" "Oh shut up," I said, "I'm not gay." "What's a glory hole?" asked Mia, "Is it like a magic hoop magician's use?" "Oh God Mia," I said, "That's not what a glory hole is." "Well what is it?" asked Mia, "And what's it got to do with cottaging? What's it got to do with being gay?" "Christ," I said, "I can't keep having these conversations with you." "Just tell me what a glory hole is," said Mia. Troy leaned in towards Mia. "It's hole that men use to stick there c*k through." "Why would they want to do that?" asked Mia. "Because on the other side of the hole there's a bloke waiting to suck their c*cks," said Troy. "Well why do they need to stick it through a hole?" asked Mia. "Because it's horny and exciting," said Troy. "Exciting?" said a confused Mia, "You won't know who's on the other side." "Exactly," said Troy, "THAT is what makes it exciting." "It sounds like it's what makes it dangerous to me," said Mia, "There could be anyone on the other side of that hole. You stick your willy whacker through a hole hoping to get a bit of fun. Someone could end up biting it off. I'm glad I don't have a willy whacker. I'm happy I've got my foo foo. You can't stick that through a magic hole." "Will you please stop talking," I said. "Hang on," said Mia, ignoring me, "What's that got to do with cottaging or being gay?" "Well gay people go cottaging," I said. "No," said Mia, "Anyone can go cottaging you know. Why do you have to exterminate?" "Discriminate," I said, correcting Mia as I rolled my eyes. "You went cottaging and you're not gay," Mia said to me. "I'm not so sure about that," said Troy. "I'm not gay and I didn't go cottaging!" I shouted. "Well you were in a cottage," said Mia. "Yes but I wasn't in THAT sort of cottage," I said. "What do you mean 'that sort' of cottage?" asked Mia. "Well," I said, "There's a cottage that we were staying in; a little rural country cottage and then there's the other cottage; a dingy toilet where men go to suck each other off. Only one of them is linked to cottaging and it's not what I was doing." "Hang on," said Mia, "I'm confused, "If men have sex with each other in toilets, why is it called cottaging? Shouldn't it be called toileting?" "Oh God, what the Hell are you going on about?" I asked, sounding annoyed. "Well if you go on honeymoon, you're honeymooning," said Mia, "If you play golf, you're golfing, so why isn't visiting a cottage, going cottaging?" "OK," I said, rolling my eyes in a desperate attempt to try and educate Mia, "If you visit the moon would you say you were mooning?" Troy giggled and Mia looked contemplative. "Yeah, I suppose so," said Mia, "Mind you, I didn't even know you could visit the moon. I bet it's expensive."