Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 338: Sunday 30th July 2017 20:07

https://www.facebook.com/lukesdiary/posts/326336077807372

Day 338
Sunday 30th July 2017 20:07

I'm finally starting to recover after the traumatic events of Monday. People died, Dumpville's destroyed and I'm currently writing my diary in a large family pub in the middle of nowhere.

Monday started with an absolute shock. I was in bed slowly waking up when I heard the gentle tones of Mike's voice behind me. "I've got a surprise for you," he gently and cheerfully said. I opened my eyes, remained still and prayed to God it wasn't anything too horrific. It was. I turned round, gasped, screamed like a girl and jumped to the opposite side of the room, stubbing my toe and banging my head in the process. I'd turned round to find I was looking into the eyes of a dead cow. A DEAD COW!! Mike was stood at the side of my bed, completely naked, covered in blood with a dead cow on a flatbed trolley. He'd dragged the first half of the cow's body on the bed and placed it on the pillow next to me. My eyes widened, my mouth dropped open and as I tried to regain control of my breathing I looked over at Mike in shock. "What's up?" he asked, sounding confused. "What's up!?" I exclaimed, "You've just woke me up by shoving a dead cow's head in my face! And you're asking me what's up?" "I thought you'd be pleased," said Mike, "It's the same cow we saw yesterday. I went back to get it." "How the Hell did you manage to bring a dead cow back?" I asked. "There's this van parked with all the other cars and it's got this big hook on a chain," said Mike, "I just stuck the hook in the cow, reeled it in the van, came back here and stuck it on this flatbed trolley. We can all have beef now." "There's a long way to go before that thing becomes beef!" I exclaimed, "Mike what the f*ck were you thinking?" "I just wanted to surprise you," said Mike. "Surprise me!?" I exclaimed, "You scared the sh*t out of me. Who brings a dead cow into their house mate's bedroom and shoves its head in their face?" "Aaaaw, are we house mates?" asked Mike with a smile. "Mike," I firmly said, "This isn't normal. Shoving a dead cow's head in my face. It's like 'The Godfather'." "I think that was a horse's head," said Mike. "Horse, cow, dog, giraffe. Whatever!" I yelled, "It's not normal, and why the Hell are you naked?" "Well it's time for our shower now isn't it?" said Mike. "I'm not showering with that thing!" I loudly said pointing at the cow. "No just me and you, you silly billy," said Mike, "Sometimes you say the funniest things." "Why have you already taken your clothes off?" I asked Mike. He shrugged. "Dunno. Suppose I thought it might save time," said Mike. "Save time?" I said, sounding confused, "Mike, no one expects to be woken up in the morning by a naked man, smeared in blood, pushing a dead cow on a cart." "It's a flatbed trolley," said Mike. "Whatever!" I yelled, "Just get it out of here, put it in storage and clean the mess up. F*cking dumb animal." Mike gave me a serious look. "Do you mean me or the cow?" he asked. There was a short silence. "Mike just get it out of here," I said.

Mike and I then took our weird and uncomfortable shower together. From the look on Mike's face he was enjoying it a lot more than me. I should have really looked into getting the shower fixed. It's not normal for two grown men to be showering together. It was very weird when he went from scrubbing my back to scrubbing my arse.

The big drama kicked off when I was on Main Street with Mike. TJ was on patrol watching the perimeter near the main gates. He called over to me and Mike and said that overnight about fifty or sixty infected appeared outside the entrance and were growling and scratching up against the main gates. I told TJ not to worry, we could shoot the infected later and that the gates were strong enough to stop them getting in. That's when I saw Dump walking down Main Street. I had Mike behind me so I confidently started to approach Dump. "Oi, Dump," I called. He stopped, turned round and stared at me, confused. "Yes? Can I help you?" he patronisingly asked. "Time to go," I forcefully said. "I beg your pardon?" Dump said. "You heard me," I said, "I want you to leave. In fact we all want you to leave. You've outstayed your welcome." "Well I heard your boyfriend here brought a cow back," said Dump, "I wanted some beef. I like beef." "We're throwing you out," I firmly said. "YOU are throwing ME out?" said Dump with a hint of laughter in his voice, "You haven't got the balls." "He has got the balls," said Mike, "He's definitely got balls," said Mike, "I've seen him with his balls on display and believe me they're big. Go on Luke, show him how big your balls are." "Thanks Mike but that's not helping," I said, "Come on Dump, you don't want to be here anymore so just go. We'll give you a bit of food and some supplies to keep you going. I'll give you the car keys and then you can leave." Dump let out a sigh like he knew it was his time to go. "Very well," he said, "I'll collect my things and meet you near the cars in the parking area in twenty minutes." I nodded and Dump walked off. "He's going to try something," said Mike, "You can't trust him." "Well trust me," I said to Mike, "I've got a plan."