Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 260: Saturday 13th May 2017 21:43

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Day 260
Saturday 13th May 2017 21:43

A nice quiet day. I looked like a bit of a knob in front of Auntie Meryl and Mia but apart from that I've enjoyed the drama free day.

After spending the morning with Esther and getting the impression that she was flirting with me I was feeling really horny. She kept saying things like "It's really hot in here" and then unbuttoning her top. I frowned. She said we were never going to have sex again. "Are you flirting with me?" I asked Esther. "I don't know," said Esther with a playfully seductively look in her eye, "Am I?" "Well, I asked you," I said, "So is that a yes or a no?" The conversation wasn't able to continue as Dump walked in unannounced and started talking to us about stats and figures or some crap like that. I was sure Esther wanted sex. I wanted to grab hold of Dump, put my hands around his neck, squeeze hard until his eyes popped out and shout at him to f*ck off and that he was c*ck blocking me for a crazy sex session with Esther.

When I got back home I was feeling rather horny. Esther's flirting had really turned me on but due to Dump's interference the expected sexual frenzy wasn't going to happen so I had to have a w*nk. After getting out of the shower, I put on my dressing gown and sat on the sofa in my living room. I closed my eyes and started thinking about Esther flashing me her cleavage and unbuttoning her top. I opened my dressing gown and started tugging. After a few moments I ejaculated and at that very moment, just as some of my spunk flew across the room and splattered on the coffee table, Auntie Meryl and Mia opened my front door and walked into my living as if they owned the place. I quickly covered myself with my dressing gown and tied the cord. I assumed a laid back posture, adopted a casual expression, grabbed a book and made out I was reading. Mia was in the middle of a full on rant. "He touched my bum!" she ranted, "I can't believe it. He actually touched my bum. I used to think it was funny and kind of cute but the way he just touched it. Well, it was disgusting. He gave me this creepy look. We have to do something. Luke, YOU need to do something." As Mia continued ranting, Auntie Meryl was slowly making her way to the sofa on the other side of the living room giving me a deeply suspicious look, maintaining eye contact as she did. I was more worried that Auntie Meryl might have figured out I'd just had a w*nk rather than what Mia was going on about. "Luke!" Mia said loudly, "Are you listening to me?! I want you to do something." "Do something about what?" I asked, only half listening. "Mr Dump!" exclaimed Mia, "He just touched my bum. He gave it a right good feel. He can't do that. It's just not right. It's . . .err . . . it's . . sex . . . sex, something." "Sexist," I said. "Yeah, that's it," said Mia. As she continued ranting about Dump's inappropriate touching, Auntie Meryl continued to give me an intensely suspicious stare. I started to look a bit guilty and I struggled to pay attention to Mia's complaint as I was distracted by Auntie Meryl's curiously doubtful and piercing look. "Luke, are you listening to me?!" exclaimed Mia. "Err . . . what? I . . . err . . . yes," I said, "I'm listening. I just don't know why you're telling me. Anyway, haven't you heard of knocking?" "You're the complaints officer," said Mia, "So I'm complaining to you. What are you going to do? I mean, he can't go around doing that. It's outrageous, it's terrible, it's disgusting, it's awful, it's . . ." Auntie Meryl then interrupted Mia, pointed at me and loudly said "You've been having a w*nk!" I was mortified. My horrified and humiliated expression was quickly replaced by a fake casual one and I tried to make out Auntie Meryl was mistaken. "What?" I said, "No I haven't." "Yes you have," said Auntie. "No I haven't," I said, "You've got the wrong end of the stick." "I think it's the end of your stick you're more bothered about," said Auntie Meryl, "Oooh you dirty little urchin. Poor Mimi over here comes to see you to complain about that fat lecherous pervert touching her up and you're too busy jerking the gherkin." "What?" said Mia, looking confused, "What's going on?" "No," I said, with a panicked tone in my voice, "I've just been sat here reading. Anyway, this is my chalet. You need to knock before just walking in here." "What's happening?" asked Mia. "He's been sat there, clobbering the cucumber," said Auntie Meryl, pointing at me with a judgemental look on her face, "At three in the afternoon, in front of a young girl. It's disgusting." "I haven't done anything in front of anyone!" I exclaimed, "You two just walked in here, unannounced when I was finishing." "Ah!" said Auntie Meryl, loudly, "So you WERE cranking the carrot. You dirty little sod. Come on Mimo, we're off. We'll come back when he's genuinely interested in what you've got to say." Mia and Auntie Meryl walked towards the door. As Auntie Meryl left, Mia gave me a confused but frustrated look. "I'm disappointed in you, Luke," she said, "I come round here to talk to you about a serious problem and you're too busy doing stuff with vegetables." I rolled my eyes in dismay. Things then got even worse when Mia ran her finger across the coffee table and collected a dollop of my spunk on her finger. "Look," she said, waving her index finger with my spunk dribbling down it, in front of my face, "This place is a mess too. You need to clean up and have more pride in your home. If you're going to put gel in your hair, you should put it on in the bathroom not out here in the living room. I'll talk to you later." Mia left and I locked the door. I can't believe she mistook w*nking for doing things with vegetables and that she scooped up a dollop of my spunk. Next time I feel a bit horny I'll make sure the door is firmly locked.

Later on I was in Triton's when once again TJ came over to me. "Drinking alone again?" he said, "You know what they say about people who drink alone, don't you?" "They don't want to be disturbed?" I said. "No," said TJ, "That they're sad little losers with no friends." "Really?" I snapped, "And who are you drinking with?" "Chill out gay boy, I'm only having a laugh," said TJ, "Anyway, I'm drinking with Destiny. She's just gone to the loo." I asked TJ if he was worried about Dump finding out that we sent Mike away. "That was ages ago," said TJ, "Anyway, I've forgotten all about it, and I think there's been enough sh*t going on around here lately that I don't think it would matter if people did find out. I wonder how Roger died." "I don't know," I said, lying through my teeth. "I reckon someone murdered him." said TJ, "Maybe they poisoned him. There are plenty of people round here that wanted to see him dead and I reckon some of them would have been more than willing to murder him, especially after what he did to little Sophie." Sh*t! I thought to myself. If an imbecile like TJ can make an educated guess and figure things out then others are bound to guess what happened to Roger. Mind you if Naomi's not worried then I don't know why I should be; plus, Dump doesn't seem to be asking too many questions about what happened or have initiated any sort of investigation so maybe I shouldn't worry. Destiny came back from the loo. "Hi Lee," she said to me with a smile on her face, "Me and TJ were just talking about all the awful things that have been going on. I can't believe Roger's dead." "Well let's just hope there'll be no more deaths," I said. "Well, I hope not," said Destiny, "I can't be doing with any more stress. I have to be careful when I get into stressful situations. I have acute angina." "I bet you do," said TJ, with a dirty smile, "You've got a cute pair of t*ts too." Destiny giggled. I can't believe the dumb bimbo find his childish sense of humour funny.

I haven't seen Naomi. I'm still feeling annoyed with her, and the sergeants still aren't back. I really think we've seen the last of them.