Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 396: Tuesday 26th September 2017 19:16

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Day 396
Tuesday 26th September 2017 19:16

Well, thanks to Mike, today is a day I'm not going to forget.

When I woke up I saw Mike in the kitchen with his back to me. The worktops and the floor were covered in blood and it looked there'd been some sort of struggle. I slowly entered the kitchen looking shocked and concerned as I inspected the scene of carnage. I glanced over at Mike who looked like he was chopping food. "Mike what the Hell is going on?" I asked. He turned round to reveal that he was also covered in blood. He had a huge grin on his blood smeared face and a bloody knife in his left hand. "You've got to get out," said Mike, "It's meant to be a surprise." "What is?" I asked, "You redesigning the kitchen so it looks like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Mike the place is a mess." "Don't worry," said Mike, ushering me out of the kitchen, "I'll tidy it up. You just go out there and don't let anyone come in. I'll let you know when the surprise is ready."

Mike closed the kitchen door and I went back into the living room feeling slightly nervous. People weren't happy that we couldn't get into the kitchen. "What is that whack job up to now?" said Josh. "Oi. That's my brother," said a firm TJ, "Shut your mouth." "Yeah don't call him a whack job," I said to Josh, "Or I'll give you a job." "Yeah," said TJ, with a cheeky grin, "A blow job." "We need to use that kitchen," said Auntie Meryl, "Its nearly one o clock now and I haven't eaten. My stomach thinks my throat's been cut. Tell him to hurry up." "I do feel a bit nervous," I said, "There was a lot of blood everywhere." "Well we're all here aren't we?" said Trudy, "So he hasn't killed any of us."

A few minutes later Mike opened the kitchen door slightly and stuck his head out. He looked at us all with a sweaty brow, bloody face and gave us a beaming smile. "If you'd all like to make your way next door into the dining room, lunch will be served shortly," he said. "Lunch!?" exclaimed Trudy, "You've cooked lunch?" "Please take your seats and I'll be in shortly," said Mike. He then closed the door and returned to the kitchen leaving us all feeling slight anxious. "Well whatever he's prepared for us to eat it used to have a lot of blood," I said. "Oh God, where's the dog?" said Trudy. We saw Ollie in the corner of the room and felt relieved. A sense of realisation suddenly came over me. "Cow!" I exclaimed, looking at Trudy. "You're no spring chicken yourself you podgy porker," said Trudy. "No," I said, "I bet he got up early, found a cow, killed it and now he's preparing beef for us. He used to kill cows with Mary, remember?" "You think he's preparing us a beef dinner?" asked Trudy. "Yeah," I said with a smile on my face, "What else could it be?" "Aaaaw, bless him," said Trudy, "That's really sweet."

We all walked into the dining room and were pleasantly surprised to see the table laid out beautifully. Elegant place mats, silver cutlery and sparkling candle stick holders were set out across the table. "Frig me," said Trudy, "Did Mike do all this?"

We all sat down feeling excited about our oncoming beef dinner. A few seconds passed and Lindon leaned over to me. "Is food coming?" he asked. "Yeah it's coming," said a firm Trudy, "Keep your hair on." Mike then entered the dining room from the kitchen dressed in what looked like some sort of fancy waiters outfit. He had a huge grin on his face - like a child whose parents had bought them something to dress up in. Sadly Mike hadn't washed any of the smeared blood from his face so he did look slightly odd and deranged but we still gave him a round of applause, albeit with a hint of pity and uncertainty. "Mike," I said, "You've still got a bit of something on your face." "Yeah, I think I dribbled a bit when I tasted the gravy."

Mike proceeded to bring out plates of tinned vegetables displayed beautifully on expensive looking crockery, followed by a big jug of gravy. "Mike," I said, "Am I right in thinking we're having meat?" "You are right," said Mike with a grin on his face. "And am I right in thinking it's something beginning with B?" I asked. "Spot on," said Mike, "You can have the first piece." Mike returned to the kitchen. "Hang on," said Courtney, "This doesn't make any sense. If he has killed a cow then where is it?" "Shut up," said TJ, "Or another cow might end up getting killed."