Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 269: Monday 22nd May 2017 23:50

https://www.facebook.com/lukesdiary/posts/297023157405331

Day 269
Monday 22nd May 2017 23:50

What a day! A heated Q&A debate and some surprisingly rebellious behaviour from me, which sadly backfired and made me look like a complete tw*t!

John held the Q&A debate in Triton's today. I was at home getting ready when there was a knock at the door. I answered it to find Naomi stood there. She threw a big piece of waterproof material at me, which I caught in my arms. "What's this?" I asked. "It's a suit," said Naomi, "If you're going to win this thing you need to look the part." "I thought you weren't talking to me?" I said. "Forget about that," said Naomi, "We need to do what's best for everyone and right now that means you becoming leader." "Where did you get this suit from?" I asked. "Stop asking questions and just get dressed," said Naomi. She grabbed hold of my jeans and started unbuckling my belt. "OK," I said, "Stop that. I think I can manage to undress myself. After all the recent hoo-hah I don't want to be presented with any signals that I could misinterpret." Naomi took a step back and produced a small bottle from her pocket. "What's that?" I asked. "Fast acting liquid laxative," said Naomi, "We can put this in Dump's drink." "What?!" I exclaimed, "You want to resort to dirty tricks?" "We need to do whatever we can to discredit Dump so first of all I'm going to help you prepare and get a killer speech ready, and then you need to go and see Dump and put some of this in his drink; then you can watch him sh*t himself on stage. No one will vote for him after that. You just need to make sure you put this in his drink about three hours before the Q&A." "Oh Naomi," I said, "I'm not sure about this." "Do you want to win this thing?" asked Naomi. "Of course I do," I said, "Hang on, are you saying I've only got a chance of winning if we ply Dump with laxative and make him sh*t himself?" "It'll help," said Naomi, "If you time it right, he'll end up sh*tting himself on stage and looking like a right idiot." "Well how am I going to put this in one of his drinks three hours before he goes on stage?" I asked. "Time it right," said Naomi, "Go round and see him and wish him good luck or something." I wasn't sure about this but I also kind of liked the idea of Dump looking like an imbecile on stage. I took the liquid laxative, got changed into the suit and went through an in depth preparation process with Naomi.

About three and half hours before the Q&A I went to Dump's house to see him. This felt a bit weird. Destiny answered the door and invited me into the grand property. With the liquid laxative concealed in my pocket I was shown into the living room, where Dump was playing darts. "Ah, Luke," said Dump, with a grin on his face, "Well this is an unexpected surprise. Destiny, sweetheart, go and fetch me and Luke a cup of tea. The condemned man could do with one last drink." Dump looked me up and down in my pale grey suit. "Not a bad suit," he said, "Whilst you can't polish a turd it seems you can roll it in glitter. The important thing to remember is that a turd is still a turd." God, he's such a w*nker, I thought to myself. I thought he was going to be suspicious at me coming to see him but he seemed to be too busy enjoying insulting me. "I just thought I'd come round and say good luck and no hard feelings and all that," I said. "No hard feelings?!" exclaimed Dump, with laughter in his voice, "You sound like you actually think you're going to win this thing." "Well you never know," I said, "I suppose we've all got a chance." "Oh Luke," said Dump trying to control his giggles, "I can honestly say that there's more chance of me sh*tting a bar of gold out than there is of you or those other two muppets winning this thing. Do you know, I think you've actually done me a favour? When I win this thing and I say WHEN, everyone will see that I've won this thing democratically, fair and square. That's going to be great for my reputation." A few moments later Destiny returned with a tray of tea. "Nothing like a good cup of tea is there?" she said. Destiny poured Dump and me a cup of tea. "Off you go Destiny, sweetheart," said Dump, "You run along while the men set the world to rights." Most women would have felt like slapping Dump but Destiny giggled and pottered off into the kitchen. "She's something isn't she?" said Dump. "Oh she's something alright," I said. Dump turned his back to me and looked out of his large living room window. I quickly took the opportunity to pour some of the fast acting liquid laxative into one of the cups. Dump then turned round and I quickly returned to my original and innocent position. "What's up, Luke?" Dump asked, "You look tense." "No I'm fine," I said. "Well you should be tense," said Dump, "Standing in front of a room full of people and going up against a guy like me is bound to be intimidating. Come here, Luke." Dump ushered me towards the large living room window which overlooked the north side of Dumpville. "Look at this place," he said, "Just look at it. What a success. I've done all that. It was me who made it all happen. Do you really think someone like you could continue my legacy?" "Yeah, I'll give it a go," I gently said. Dump laughed and walked away from the window and over to the tea tray. "Oh, Luke," he said, "It's not something you give a go. You've got to put your heart and soul into it. That's why I'm going to win and you're going to lose." Dump returned to the window and handed me one of the cups of tea as he started drinking his. I stood looking at him with a smirk on my face. That's right, I thought to myself, drink down that liquid laxative you fat tangerine tosser. Dump continued making smarmy and arrogant comments about how he was going to win and how I was one of life's natural losers. Once we'd both finished our teas, I made my excuses and left feeling very smug. I couldn't wait to see him sh*t himself on stage. I felt like a rebel. Very invigorating.