Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 242: Tuesday 25th April 2017 22:53

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Day 242
Tuesday 25th April 2017 22:53

A mentally exhausting day.

I've hardly slept thinking about what Debra said yesterday. She's a bit intense to be around but I totally believe someone around here has abused her kid. I need to get a bit more information out of her but it's not the sort of thing I can start a conversation about is it? I can't exactly walk up to her and say "Excuse me love, but can you give me lots of details about how your child was abused?"

My first attempt at finding out a bit more information was when I spoke to TJ. I was walking down Main Street when I noticed him coming out of Triton's. I started making a bit of small talk with him but he quickly figured out that I wasn't chatting to him because I actually wanted a conversation. "What's going on gay boy?" asked TJ, "You usually go out of your way to avoid me and now you're asking how I am." "Well, I just want to know what you think of Debra," I said. "Well she's tall," said TJ, "Not a bad pair of tits. You'd need a step ladder to get up to them though." "I don't mean what she looks like," I said, "I mean what she said." "What she said when?" asked TJ. "In the infirmary just after I was knocked unconscious," I said. "I can't remember what she said," said TJ, "I was too busy staring at her knockers." "She said to someone in that room that she never thought she'd see them again and she told them to stay away from her or she'd kill them." "Well who was she looking at?" asked TJ. "I don't know, I'd just regained consciousness," I said, "Her eyes were all over the place. Look, do you know her?" "Who? The Jolly Green Giant?" asked TJ, "I've never seen her before. Oh I get it. You think because she was p*ssed off with one of us it's bound to be me." "Well sorry TJ," I said, "But if the cap fits." "Listen conker c*ck," said TJ, "The only reason she'd be p*ssed off with me is because she saw my massive bulge and that I've made her wait this long to sit on it. In fact the only reason any bird would be p*ssed off with me would be because I made her wait for sex. Carol Vorderman was like that. It was her last day on Countdown and she was begging me to do her up the arse in her dressing room. I told her to wait but she wouldn't have it. Her knickers were round her ankles and she was bent over that chair quicker than you could say 'Consonant please Carol.' Des O'Connor was next door doing a line of coke." "Whatever," I said, "Are you seriously saying you don't know Debra?" "No, I don't know the b*tch," said TJ, "But if I don't get anywhere with Destiny I'll give her a go. I wouldn't need to get on my knees to give her growler a good going over would I?" I shook my head, called TJ disgusting and started walking off. "Oi, gay boy!" TJ shouted after me, "If you see the BFG, tell her I said hello." Stupid bullsh*tting pr*ck.

Later on I told Auntie Meryl that I had put a knife under her mattress. "Why have you put it under my mattress?" she asked. "To keep you safe," I said. "Keep me safe?!" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "By sticking a massive bl**dy carving knife under my mattress, two inches away from my back. I'll wake up dead." "You can't wake up dead, can you?" I said. "Course you can," said Auntie Meryl, "People wake up dead all the time. If they didn't, no one would ever die." "Yes but they don't wake up dead, do they?" I said. "Course they do," said Auntie Meryl, "They don't go to bed dead do they; they wake up dead." "Look," I said, "In case any infected get in here, having a knife close by means you can defend yourself." "So you just want me to stab anyone who comes into my bedroom?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Well, not anyone" I said, "Infected or anyone who tries to cause trouble." "Well that's a bit extreme," said Auntie Meryl, "You can't go around stabbing people in the face because they've got a bit of a cold." "No," I said, "Not that sort of infection." "And I can't stab someone just because they're causing a bit of trouble," Auntie Meryl continued, "That would have caused all sorts of trouble with me and the council when the rent man used to come round." I was racking my brains to think how easy I could make it for Auntie Meryl to understand. "Listen," I said, "If anyone comes in here and they start running towards you, trying to hurt you, you stab them in the head." "Well how do I know if they're running towards me to hurt me or hug me or something else?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Why would someone be running towards you to hug you?" I asked. "You used to run towards me for a hug when you were five." "I'm not five now!" I loudly said, "God I'm trying to make this as easy as possible for you to understand." "Well you've done a crap job," said Auntie Meryl, "I'm completely bamboozled." "Listen," I firmly stated, "If someone comes running in here and they look infected, and I don't mean with a bad cold, I mean with no colour in the face, constricted pupils and making horrible sounds. . ." Auntie Meryl interrupted. "That sounds like when you were younger and you used to come home half cut." "For God's sake Auntie Meryl," I said, "I really hope you can tell the difference between me being p*ssed and someone who's infected." The long winded conversation continued and I THINK I managed to make Auntie Meryl see the importance of keeping the knife under her mattress. Dizzy old cow.

Later on I was sat outside the ice cream parlour when Mia came and sat next to me. "Luke," she said, "Can I have a serious conversation with you?" I stopped drinking my tea, slowly raised my head and gave Mia a stern look. "I doubt it," I said, "But you can give it a try if you like." "What do you think of Debra?" asked Mia. Oh my God! Mia is the big paedo I thought to myself. "Why are you asking about Debra?" I asked. "She just makes me feel nervous," said Mia, "Do you think we should tell people to stay away from her?" "Why do you want people to stay away from her?" I asked with suspicion. "Well she's uncomfortable to be around," said Mia, "I don't like feeling uncomfortable. I heard one of the bouncer men say she's travelled all over the world." "Yes she has," I said. "Do you know where?" asked Mia. "Alaska," I said. "When?" asked Mia. "I don't know," I said, "How would I know?" "You don't know when you're going to ask her?" queried Mia. "What?" I said, sounding confused, "Ask her what?" "Where she's been in the world," said Mia. "Alaska!" I loudly repeated. "Yeah I know," said Mia, "You just said that. I just want to know when?" "What are you on about 'when'?" I said sounding annoyed, "How do I know when?" "Well why can't you say when?" asked Mia, "Just say when. Today, tomorrow, the day after." "What the f*ck are you talking about?!" I exclaimed. "When are you going to ask Debra where in the world she's travelled to?" asked Mia. "God!" I said feeling frustrated, "I've already told you. Alaska!" "Yeah, I know!" said Mia, raising her voice, "But when?" "For f*cks sake," I said, "Why does it matter? It was probably last year or the year before." "Eh?" said a confused Mia, "What was?" "When Debra went to Alaska," I said. "What?" said Mia, "I'm confused." "For God's sake," I said with annoyance, "Why do I ever try and have a conversation with you? What are you confused about?" "Well you're not making any sense," said Mia. "I'm the one who's not making any sense?!" I loudly exclaimed, "Do you really think out of the two of us that I'm the one who's not making any sense? You've asked me where in the world Debra's been and I've told you." "No," said Mia, "You said you'll ask her but you didn't say when." "Oh for the love of God," I said with sheer frustration, "I didn't say 'I'll ask her' I said 'Alaska'." "That sounds like the same thing to me," said Mia. "It's NOT the same thing!" I shouted, "Alaska is a state in America." "There's a place called 'I'll ask her'?" said Mia, "That's weird. Mind you, if it's a state why would she want to go there?" I stood up feeling absolutely exhausted and wanting to tear my hair out. "Right!" I loudly snapped, "This conversation needs to stop now because if it continues I'm going to have to hit you in the face with a shovel. Just tell me why you're so intimidated by Debra." Mia stood up, gave me a serious look, told me to forget it and then walked off.

So at the minute TJ isn't a paedo suspect but Mia is. I feel awful for thinking this but she was behaving oddly (more than usual) and she said she thought we should all keep away from Debra. I guess it could be because she's intimidated by Debra but it could also be because she doesn't want us to find out she abused Debra's kid. Mind you, as I write this I really don't think Mia would or could ever abuse a child. She just doesn't seem the type, plus, the dozy cow doesn't have a nasty bone in her body. I feel bad for thinking about Mia like this. I mean it's Mia for God's sake! She couldn't really be a paedophile . . . could she?