Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 350: Friday 11th August 2017 22:53

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Day 350
Friday 11th August 2017 22:53

What a bl**dy day! I'm currently writing my diary in the gay sauna 'Bum Chums.'

The day started with us getting ready to go out on our final run to the seaside town centre. Just before we left I was sat in the living room with Auntie Meryl. "You're going out again?" she said, "How come I keep being left here? Why can't I come with you?" "No offence Auntie Meryl," I said, "But it's dangerous out there. You might need to run and you're not exactly fast on your feet." "Well don't leave me here on my own," said Auntie Meryl, "Leave someone here for me to talk to. How about the gay one? He's good for a natter. Do you think he's always been gay or do you think he caught it off someone?" "Auntie Meryl?" I said, "You can't catch Homosexuality." "Well you've caught it from someone," she said. "What are you on about?" I said, "I'm not gay. How many times do I have to keep telling you?" "Well you don't have a girlfriend, you scream like a girl, you don't like football; you've got gay hair. What am I supposed to think?" said Auntie Meryl. "Auntie Meryl," I said, "I don't have a girlfriend because I'm not exactly in the best situation to be meeting women, I scream because there's a lot to scream about and I get scared, I've got gay hair because of Troy and I've never liked football. That doesn't make me gay." "Denial," said Auntie Meryl, "Look there's nothing wrong with being gay these days you know? It's like supporting Nazis. In the sixties if you walked down the street with a swastika on your back you'd have a load of eggs thrown at you before you could say Heil Hitler but these days you're free to walk around with all manner Nazi propaganda." "Auntie Meryl," I said, "You can't compare being a Nazi to being gay." "Why not?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Nazis and gays were given a hard time when I was younger and now they're just frowned upon. I wonder if there's any gay Nazis. I suppose they have all sorts of gays these days. There's even some Rugby players who drive their cars up the marmite motorway. Betty Crack sh*t her knickers when George Clooney came out as gay." "What?" I exclaimed. "No," said Auntie Meryl, "Not George Clooney. The other one. What's his face? George Takei. What's his face from Star Wars." "Trek," I said. "No, I don't think he was a skier," said Auntie Meryl, "Anyway I'm trying to tell you that it's cool to be gay these days. I'd be gay myself but I just don't have the time." "You can't choose to be gay," I said, "A minute ago you thought you could catch it." "Well it's a bit like getting a cold," said Auntie Meryl, "You've either got one or you haven't, but if you hang around outside in the rain long enough, you're going to get one. I wonder if you get a blue badge so you can park near the front when you go shopping in Asda?' "Why would you get a blue badge?" I asked, "It's not a disability." "Don't be silly," said Auntie Meryl, "That's like saying being black isn't a disability." "It isn't!" I loudly exclaimed. "Well it didn't do your mate DeShawn any favours didn't it?" said Auntie Meryl. I spoke to Troy and surprise, surprise he preferred to stay with Auntie Meryl rather than come with us into town. "We can have a party can't we Meryl?" said Troy, "I've found a bottle of something at the back of one of the kitchen cupboards. What would you said if I said two words to you? Jaeger Bombs?" "I'd say two words to you," says Auntie Meryl, "And the second one's 'off'. Why do I want to talk about what the Germans used to bomb my Mum's house? The bl**dy Nazis used to drop loads of Jaeger bombs on my Mum's back to back during the war. Oh, we've just been talking about Nazis. Can you get gay Nazis?" "God," I said, "All this talk of bombs and gay Nazis is giving me an ulcer. Do we have any Bonjela?" "I've got bum jelly," giggled Troy. "Bon Jovi?" said Auntie Meryl, "Was he a gay Nazi?" I shook my head in despair and walked off.

All of a sudden a loud scream was heard. Mike and I grabbed our weapons and ran to the source of the noise. TJ was stood in the doorway of the bathroom laughing at Courtney who was trying to cover herself up with a towel. "What's going on?" I asked. "Creepy McPervalot just walked in on me cleaning myself and tried to catch a peek." "Don't flatter yourself Corpse Bride," said TJ, "Why would I want to see your smelly tuna flaps. I like women, not girls." Courtney wrapped the towel tightly around herself and stormed back into her bedroom. Mike and I looked at TJ waiting for an explanation. "What?" said TJ, "I didn't know she was in there. She didn't lock the door. Anyway once you've seen Kate Winslet's growler like I have, nothing else compares." TJ then walked off.