Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 229: Wednesday 12th April 2017 21:47

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Day 229
Wednesday 12th April 2017 21:47

A slightly more positive day than yesterday.

I saw Troy and Benjamin who are like a proper established couple now. Troy's acting all camp and excited while Benjamin's being a typical bloke and being all casual about it, but I can tell he's just as excited as Troy. "Don't you think moving in together like this is a bit quick?" I asked. "No," said Troy, "It's normal to move in together after you've had sex a few times when you're gay. Anyway, it makes the sex easier." "I don't need to know that," I said. "Oh we had a good session this morning," said Troy with a cheeky grin on his face, "He rode me like buckaroo." "Anyway," I quickly said, changing the subject, "Let's just make sure there's no more blackmail." I then looked at Troy. "And I don't want you slapping me anymore. That really hurt." "Yeah sorry about that," said Troy, "I suppose I should thank you for bringing me and big Benny boy together." "Big Benny boy?" I queried. "Oh yeah," said Troy with a smile on his face. There was a short pause. "He means I've got a massive c*ck," said Benjamin, "You'd feel that going up you, unlike yours. I heard Esther couldn't feel a thing." "That had nothing to do with the size of my knob," I said in a mood, "It was because Esther was drunk and she's got a f*nny the size of the Grand Canyon." "WHAT?!" a voice loudly said from behind. I turned round to see Esther. For f*cks sake, has she been following me round just waiting for me to slip up, I thought to myself. "What do you think you're doing?!" snapped Esther, "Going round this place spreading exaggerated stories; making out you're a big man and that I was lucky to have you. It's pathetic. You're turning into TJ." Esther looked at Troy and Benjamin. "You're right," she said, "I couldn't feel his penis because as we all know it's so ridiculously and embarrassing small it makes a paper clip look like a giant Cumberland sausage." Troy and Benjamin giggled and Esther took a step closer to me. "Every time I hear you spreading sh*t, I'll just put people straight," she said. "Look, Esther," I said, "I'm sorry. Benjamin was winding me up. TJ was winding me up yesterday. I just snapped. That's why I said what I did." "I don't care," said Esther, "You need to grow up and stop acting like a child." Esther stormed off leaving me with Troy and Benjamin. "Never mind," said Troy, "You might have a small willy and be cr*p in bed but because of you, me and big Benny boy have come together properly. Actually we came together this morning." I rolled my eyes during a short silence. "He means we shot our loads at the same time," said Benjamin. "Yes, thank you," I said, "I get the picture." "Actually, Luke," said Troy, "I think it's amazing that you've brought two lonely people together and helped to create this happy, loving relationship when your own life is quite bleak and depressing, and full of misery and people saying they hate you." "Well as long as you're happy. Anyway I'm going to go home and slit my wrists," I sarcastically said, "Try and talk to Tina. You two might be happy but she's really down."

I saw Naomi pushing Amelia around the park in her buggy. I walked up to her and apologised for yesterday's misunderstanding. "It wasn't a misunderstanding," said Naomi, "You said I was jealous of Esther because she got to shag you. I mean, as if. Do you think I've got the hots for you or something? Some sort of secret crush?" I wasn't sure how to respond and Naomi noticed my hesitation. "Look, let's get one thing straight," she said, stopping in her tracks and looking me directly in the eye, "I don't fancy you. I don't have the hots for you. I don't have a secret crush on you. In fact I don't find you remotely attractive and a lot of the time you get on my bl**dy tits but for some weird reason I really care about you and I don't want to see you making mistakes such as getting involved with Nazis like Esther. OK?"

As Esther and I continued talking, Dump appeared. "Now then," he said, "How's my favourite PA and my favourite complaints manager?" "Fine," Naomi and I both said simultaneously and sounding very unenthusiastic. "And how's this little one?" asked Dump, leaning over Amelia's buggy and pinching her cheeks. Amelia started crying in that loud, annoying way babies do. "Well she WAS fine," said Naomi, picking Amelia up and cradling her in her arms. "What's his name again?" asked Dump, "Aaron, is it?" "Amelia," Naomi bluntly said. "Oh, that's an unusual name for a boy," said Dump. "Yeah it is," said Naomi, "But she's a girl." "Oh?" queried Dump, "Are you sure? She looks like a boy." "Yes, I'm pretty sure," said Naomi sounding annoyed. "Oh well," said Dump, "I don't have children but I hope one day Destiny and I will be blessed with the pitter patter of tiny little feet." "Hmm, webbed feet," I said quietly under my breath. "Children like this are the future of Dumpville," said Dump, proudly, "This is where it all starts. The rebuilding of civilisation." "Sorry," said Naomi, "But there are a few things round here that aren't very civilised." "Oh really?" asked Dump, "Such as?" "Oh forget it," said Naomi. "Now come on missy," said Dump, "You've obviously got something on your mind and I'd like to know what it is. Maybe I can do something about it. What sort of leader would I be if I didn't listen?" Naomi looked at me and threw me an expression which kind of asked what I thought. I shrugged, suggesting she should speak her mind. "OK," said Naomi, "Well I don't think it's very civilised that we can't come and go as we please. It's like we're prisoners." "Prisoners!" exclaimed Dump with a hint of laughter in his voice, "I've never known prisoners with access to facilities like this. I think you're getting a bit confused." "No, I'm not confused," said Naomi, assertively, "We are adults. If we want to go outside we should be able to." "Why would you want to go beyond the walls?" asked Dump, "You people more than most here, know how dangerous it is out there. You've come face to face with the infected. Not many other people here have. Why would you want to go back to that? Wouldn't you prefer to stay in here?" "I'd prefer to have the choice," said Naomi. "You do have the choice," said Dump, "You just need to speak to me and Adrian." "I'm not talking about leaving permanently," said Naomi, "I'm talking about leaving for a bit, then coming back." "But I don't understand why you'd want to do that," said Dump. "You don't need to understand," said Naomi, "Sorry but it's none of your business. We just want to feel free." "Now listen here little lady," said Dump, firmly, "I accept that you've been through a lot but who comes and goes here IS most definitely my business." There was a serious pause which was broken when Dump gave one of his ridiculously bright white smiles. "You're safe here," he said, "You're looked after. You don't need to go outside. You have everything you could possibly want here. And as for freedom, you're free to walk around here as you wish." "Yeah," said Naomi, "within the walls, just like a prison." "I think you're exaggerating," giggled Dump, "Like I said, this is the start of rebuilding a civilised way of life and you're part of it." "Civilised," said Naomi, "Well I didn't think it was very civilised when we couldn't see Mike's or Millie's bodies." "Yes well that's procedure I'm afraid," said Dump, "That's all I can say." "Well there's rumours going round that Mike and Millie aren't actually dead," said Naomi. I looked at Naomi and widened my eyes, signalling that she should shut up. I can't believe she said that. I did, however, notice the seriously dead pan expression on Dump's face. "Well I would very much like to know where those rumours started," he calmly said, taking an intimidatingly close step towards Naomi who looked slightly anxious. "Well I can't remember, she said, "How do rumours normally start?" "Usually by some horrible little person causing trouble, spreading rumours and getting people to believe them." There was an awkward silence as Dump was uncomfortably close to Naomi. It felt a bit threatening. "Anyway," I said with a big fake smile on my face and trying to defuse the situation, "Why don't we go and take Amelia to the kids club?" "Good idea," said Dump, taking a step back from Naomi and showing one of his blindingly bright smiles, "Put your energy into more positive things. Mary's running a cake baking competition tomorrow." "Oh joy," said Naomi sarcastically. "Now let's hear no more talk of leaving," said Dump, "You need to think about your daughter. How old is she now?" Naomi threw me a worried look. None of us know exactly how old Amelia is. "Oh she's. . . err. . . five months old," said Naomi, "Anyway we'd better get to the kids club. See you later." "Have a good time," said Dump, "And I'd put a pink ribbon on her head if I were you; just so people know she's definitely a girl." Naomi was about to snap at Dump but I grabbed her, interrupted her and stopped her from saying anything. "Thanks Ronald," I said with a fake grin, "See you later."

Naomi and I walked off and I could see the frustration on her face. "My God, Naomi," I said, "You went a bit far there didn't you?" "Well the bloke's a big fat arrogant arsehole," said Naomi, "Amelia's obviously a girl. Anyone can see that. Stupid tosser. He needs bringing down a peg or two." "I know," I said, "But we need to be careful. Whether we like it or not he's got a lot of power round here and he's starting to ask questions. I'm not sure what he'll do if he finds out Amelia isn't your actual daughter." "Well if he ever tries to take her off me I'll do everything in my power to stop him," Naomi said assertively. I just hope that's one secret Dump never finds out. I'm glad Naomi and I are talking properly again now.

I went to see Mia earlier on. When she answered her door she gave me an angry and upset look. "Come to call me stupid again have you?" she asked in a strop. "Actually I came to say sorry," I said, "You going to let me in?" I entered Mia's chalet and sat down. "I'm really sorry about bringing up all that horrible stuff yesterday," I said. "It wasn't nice, Luke," said Mia. "I know," I quietly said. "It was very hurtful," said Mia, "I don't bring things up from the past to hurt you. I don't do that because I'm a nice person. I don't bring up the time you went mad and shot Ashley and Jessica in the head. I don't bring up the time you were hanging off the school roof naked, or the time you showed gay porn to children. I don't bring up the time you hit Esther in the face with a plastic willy. I don't bring up when you were running around in a wedding dress. I don't bring up the time you met Holly Willoughby, called her an old b*tch and made her throw herself out of a window. Oh and then there was..." I Interrupted Mia. "OK," I said, "I get the point you're trying to make. I'm sorry for saying those horrible things." Mia and I gave each other a hug and I felt satisfied that both she and Naomi were on speaking terms with me again.

I suppose I need to try and put things right with Mary and try and find a way of being civil with Esther.  Either that or just avoid the bossy cow. No one's seen Tina since all the drama kicked off. I might have to go and see her tomorrow and make sure she's OK.