Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 215: Wednesday 29th March 2017 22:56

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Day 215
Wednesday 29th March 2017 22:56

It's been a day filled with poo, embarrassments and frustration.

I filled in Esther's sh*tty request for replacement form and request for repair form. She said it could take up to twenty four hours to process the forms. "Esther," I said, "For God's sake. The cupboard with all the spare heaters in is just down the corridor. Can't I just go and get a heater that works?" "No," Esther said firmly, "These policies and procedures exist for a reason." "Well what is the reason?" I asked, "Because I haven't got a bl**dy idea." "Luke, please don't question me," Esther said with authority, "I'm very busy." "Is that your way of saying that you don't have an idea either?" I asked. "Luke, I've told you," said Esther, "Leave it with me and I'll sort it." "And in the meantime I've got to put up with Auntie Meryl chewing my ear off. It's like I'm stuck in between a rock and hard place. Auntie Meryl's a big f*ck off rock and you're the bl**dy hard place. Can't I just go and get a heater now?" "No," Esther said firmly, "Besides, the door is locked and I've got the key." "Well give me the bl**dy key then," I said. "No" Esther aggressively responded, "Now I won't tell you again Luke, just go away and leave it with me." "You going to tell me what Dump wanted to talk to you about?" I asked. "No," said Esther, "I'll tell you when it's appropriate to do so."

I was walking down Main Street when I bumped into Lindon. He was very slowly and extremely unenthusiastically picking up litter and scooping up dog mess. I asked him if he was OK and that I hadn't seen him in a while. "It's nice to pick up dog poo and not get weird looks," said Lindon with his usual gormless tone. "What do you mean?" I asked. "I used to pick up dog poo in the park," said Lindon, "And everyone would give me weird looks." "Well they shouldn't have done," I said, "It's important to clean up after your dog. What sort of dog did you have?" "Oh, I've never had a dog," said Lindon. There was a pause. "You've never had a dog but you were picking up dog poo?" I asked. "The last pet I had was a hamster," said Lindon, "But Henry Hoover ate him." "Well couldn't you just open the vacuum cleaner and see if he was OK?" I asked. "No," said Lindon, "I mean Henry Hoover. He was the man who lived in the flat above me. He wasn't right in the head." I felt sorry for Lindon because he's such an isolated loner but then again, spending time alone with him made me feel uncomfortable; not just because he's into necrophilia but because he's weird!

I was walking towards my chalet when I was approached by Benjamin. I noticed he had his right arm in plaster. "What happened to you?" I asked. "I had one too many in Triton's last night and ended up falling over and breaking my arm. So it means I've got even more jobs for you to do." "Oh Benjamin f*ck off," I said, "This is getting ridiculous now. You can't carry this on forever." "Yeah I can," he said, "'Course I can. Come on, I need you to do something for me now." Benjamin grabbed hold of my arm and quickly took me down the road to his chalet. "What's the rush?" I said. "Just hurry up," said Benjamin, "I'm desperate." He opened his chalet door, ran through the living and entered the toilet where he produced a loud, deep, rip roaring fart. "OH GOD!" he shouted, "That's better. I've had a turtle's head sticking out for the last minute." "Turtle's head?" I said from outside the loo, "Sounds more like an elephant's leg. Have you brought me in here just so I can listen to you poo and empty your sh*t bucket? I thought that was TJ's job." "No," said Benjamin, "He empties my poo, but I need you to come in here and wipe my a*se." My face dropped and I a stony expression came upon my face. Silence followed for a few seconds. "Sorry Benjamin," I said, "Can you say that again? For a second there it sounded like you were asking me to wipe your a*se for you?" "Oh come on Luke, do us a favour," said Benjamin, "I'm a righty and my right arm's in plaster." "Use your left arm you f*cking dirty b*stard!" I exclaimed. "I can't use my left arm," said Benjamin, "It feels weird." "THAT feels weird?!" I exclaimed, "Are you taking the p*ss? Using your left hand to wipe your arse feels weird but getting me in there to wipe your arse for you isn't weird at all." "Oh come on Luke, help a mate out," said Benjamin. "A mate!" I exclaimed, "You've been blackmailing me for days. You're not a mate." "Luke," said Benjamin, "I can't wipe my own arse with my left hand, it's like asking a right handed person to write a letter with his left." "Yeah," I sarcastically said, "Except instead of a pen, its toilet paper and instead of paper, it's a sh*tty arsehole." "Just get on with it Luke," said Benjamin, "The longer you prolong this, the crustier the sh*t will get and the harder it will be to wipe it off my arse." I rolled my eyes thinking once again I was in (quite literally) a sh*tty situation.