Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 325: Monday 17th July 2017 20:15

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Day 325
Monday 17th July 2017 20:15

It's been a bit of stressful day today. I woke up to find unexpected news and what followed was a desperate and assertive attempt at me trying (emphasis on the word 'trying') to take charge of things.

In the morning I was at home talking to Mike and apologising for having a go at him yesterday. It really was like explaining to a child why grownups sometimes get cross. The conversation was interrupted when Mia burst into the living in panicked and urgent manner. "Oh come in why don't you?" I said. Mia handed me a note and asked me to read it. It was from Naomi and it read "Dear Friends, I have gone looking for Seth. This is something I have to do on my own. I will come back once I've found him. I've taken one of the cars and a few supplies. If anything bad happens here meet me at the aquarium or Wendy's Farm. Just leave me a message letting me know where you've gone. Take care of yourselves. I'll hopefully see you all soon. Love, Naomi." My mouth dropped opened, my eyes widened and my body went cold. "What's up?" asked Mike. "It's Naomi," I said, "She's gone." Mike frowned and took the note off me. I suddenly felt very anxious. Naomi's been my go to person ever since this whole thing started and she's been a great support while we've been at Dumpville. She's one of the few sane people here that's been there for me and I now suddenly felt all alone. Mike could see my shock and upset. He put his hand on my shoulder. "It's OK, Luke," he said with a patronising tone, "You've still got me. I'll never leave you. You don't need Naomi." I was very angry with myself. "I should have seen this coming," I said, putting my head in my hands in a despairing manner, "I should have known she was going to do something like this." "Don't beat yourself up," said Mia, "You're not a psycho." "Psychic," I said, correcting Mia, "After what happened yesterday I should have seen this coming." "What happened yesterday?" asked Mia. "Naomi lost her baby," I said. "Oh she'll be around here somewhere," said Mia. "No you scatty cow," I said, "I don't mean misplaced. Do you think Naomi would go and leave Amelia here?" "Sophie," said Mike, correcting me. "Sally left yesterday and took Sophie with her." "Oh my God," said Mia, "Does Naomi know?" "Yes!" I exclaimed, "She handed Sophie over to Sally, opened the gates for her and watched her drive off." A sudden sense of authority and determination came over me. "Right," I confidently said, "That's it. We need to take charge and get a grip of the situation. I want you two to round everyone up and bring them round here." "What do you mean everyone?" asked Mia. "I mean everyone," I plainly said, "Everyone who's here." "Absolutely everyone?" asked Mia. "Yes," I assertively said. "So, everyone?" asked Mia. "Yes!" I loudly said, "Everyone!" "But not everyone, everyone?" asked Mia. "For f*cks sake!" I cried, "How it is possibly that you find the simplest of instructions this difficult. Everyone! Every single person here in Dumpville." "All over of them?" asked. "Yes, all of them," I snapped, "Mike, go with her. God knows what she'll come back with if she's unsupervised."

Mike and Mia started rounded everyone up and they all started arriving at my chalet. Everyone gathered in the living room and started engaging in pointless chatter about pointless things. "Will you all shut up!?" I loudly said, "This isn't a bl**dy coffee morning. This is important. We've got some serious sh*t to talk about." "If it's serious should you really be swearing?" asked Mia. "Are there any biscuits?" asked Auntie Meryl, "The last coffee morning I went to, they gave us biscuits." "Auntie Meryl," I said, "This isn't a coffee morning." "Isn't a coffee morning something you do for charity?" asked Troy, "Luke if you're making a drink I take sugar. I love a nice big coffee to start me off." "You want a nice big coffin to send you off?" said Deaf Deirdre, "You're too young to be thinking about death." "Death?" said a confused Troy. "Oh you're deaf are you?" said Deaf Deirdre, "Fortunately that's not something I suffer with. I've always had perfect hearing, although I find the people around me tend to struggle. I'll speak up. YOU DON'T NEED TO THINK ABOUT DEATH." "What's the mad old cow going on about?" Troy asked me. "Just ignore her," I said, "Now is everyone here? Are we ready?" "Not without a cup of tea I'm not," said Auntie Meryl, "What sort of coffee morning is this?" "It's not a coffee morning," I bluntly said. "I went to a coffee morning at over sixties, last year," said Auntie Meryl, "I went with my friend Betty Crack. They only gave us Aldi's own brand biscuits but they made the effort." Auntie Meryl gave me a disapproving look. "Mind you," she continued, "Betty ate all the custard creams and ended up choking on a Garibaldi. One of the work experience lads ended up slapping her hard on the back to try and get it out of her throat but we all thought he was trying to knock her out so he could nick her purse. We ended up throwing our tea and chucking our slippers at him. Absolute chaos, but at the end of the day, they all made an effort and we all had biscuits. That was a proper coffee morning. Not like this one." "This isn't a coffee morning!" I cried, "Will you all just shut up!?" "Well it's not going to be much of a coffee morning with that attitude is it?" said Auntie Meryl. "OK," I sarcastically said, "What do you want me to do? Ram biscuits into your gobs, watch you all choke and then chuck boiling hot water on you?" "Well you could start off with a game of something," said Auntie Meryl, "How about beetle drive?" "That's a film isn't?" said Mia. "That's Beetle-juice," I said. "Beetle drive is where you have to collect all the parts of a beetle," said Auntie Meryl, "And whoever gets all the parts and makes the beetle first is the winner." "Well why don't you just go outside and get a beetle already made up?" asked Mia, "It seems a shame to get a real beetle and rip its legs off." "For God's sake," I said, "It's not a real beetle it's a plastic one." "I didn't know beetles could be made of plastic," said Mia, "A bit like the sort you get in in Africa?" "No!" I yelled, "It's a toy beetle you daft cow." "Well why would you want to break a toy beetle?" asked Mia, "It could belong to some little kid who loves that beetle." "For crying out loud!" I exclaimed, "It comes broken in bits." "Well someone should ask for a refund" said Mia, "If I bought a toy beetle only to get it home and find it broken in bits I wouldn't be happy." "Can we stop talking about f*cking beetles and get back to this meeting!?" I loudly snapped. "Coffee morning," said Auntie Meryl. "It's not a f*cking coffee morning!" I yelled. At that moment Trudy walked out of the kitchen with a tray full of teas, coffees and biscuits. "Here we go," she said, "Tea, coffee and biscuits." "Oh for Christ's sake!" I shouted. Trudy started distributing hot drinks and biscuits. "See," said Auntie Meryl, "I told you it was a coffee morning." "We should be rationing supplies," I said. "Oh shut your face," said Trudy, "You can't have a coffee morning without tea and biscuits." "IT'S NOT A F*CKING COFFEE MORNING!" I yelled. At that moment Dump walked in looking very smug. A deathly and uncomfortable silence fell. "Well it looks like I'm missing out on all the fun," he said. It was a bit awkward having Dump here but I guess I did say everyone.

Once all the chitter chatter had stopped I managed to address everyone. I spoke to them about how we have gone from being part of a large Dumpville population to a tiny one. I highlighted how we were running out of food, water, diesel and other essential supplies and that we needed to come up with a plan. I reminded everyone about how many people (Mary, Esther etc.) had left because of Dump and then I said we couldn't just let the fat orange at*ehole just walk around. "I think we should just ignore him," said Mia. "I think we should quarantine him," said Trudy. "I think we should kill him," said Mike. "I am in the room you know?" said Dump. "Course we know," said Trudy, "Your fat at*e takes up three quarters of it." Troy giggled. "Don't pretend you know what three quarters are," he said to Trudy.

We talked about what to do with Dump and we agreed to quarantine him in the chalet and lock him in. "You're not locking me up," said an assertive Dump, "I'm not going to be a prisoner." "That's exactly what you're going to be," I firmly said. "Really?" said a confrontational Dump, "And are you going to make me?" Mike stepped forward and gave Dump an intimidating look. "I'll make you," he said with a threatening tone. Dump looked scared. "I've got a big house on the other side of the park," he protested. "That's where me and Destiny live now," said TJ, "It's our house not yours." "I don't want you walking around here getting up go no good," I said to Dump, "You can't be trusted." "So you think you're in charge now do you?" Dump said to me, "Want to play the leader? Be a big man? Don't make me laugh. As if a pathetic little loser like you could run this place." "If you keep calling him names I'm going to snap your neck," said Mike. "I don't want to be a leader," I said, "I just think someone needs to take control and get everyone focused on what we need to do."

The discussions continued for a while and we agreed people needed to take one of the cars, go out and look for food and supplies. No one apart from Mike and I seemed keen. TJ wanted to stay with Destiny, Trudy wanted to stay with the kids and everyone else said they were too scared. I suppose I can understand it but I'm sick of always being the one that ends up going out. Everyone agreed to have a think but I told them to not think about it for too long because the food we've got will only see us through to early August.

Mike and I took Dump to one of the chalets and locked him in. We fitted a lock to the exterior of the front door so he can't get out. He was REALLY angry that we were looking him up. "I'm going to make you regret this," he venomously said to me. I was glad Mike was with me. Without him I think it would have been hard to get Dump into the chalet.

Hopefully tomorrow there will be a few volunteers who are willing to go out and look for food and supplies. I feel a bit more relaxed now that I know Dump is locked up. He won't be able to cause any more trouble now. I hope. . .