Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 208: Wednesday 22nd March 2017 22:03

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Day 208
Wednesday 22nd March 2017 22:03

Another intense day.

On my way to work I noticed that what Dump called the vulnerable parts of the wall had been further secured. More armed soldiers were patrolling and there was a heavy presence of barbed wire. I felt a little bit like a prisoner of war. One of the soldiers looked down at me and said morning, but another looked down at me and gave me a filthy look. As I continued my walk to work, Ronald made his usual announcement over the public address system and said that a funeral for Mike would take place in a day or so. This made me think; if they were going to hold a funeral for a man who isn't dead, how are they going to do this and what are they going to use for a body?

Work was the usual drama with Auntie Meryl asking me when I was going to have a word with the dentist to get her tooth sorted out and what I was going to do to ensure there were more activities and entertainment for the over sixties. This job is getting on my bl**dy nerves. After I'd finished work and locked up my office Esther came up to me. "I want to talk to you," she said. "Well if it's a complaint, you'll have to come back tomorrow," I said, "I've clocked off for the day and if I hear one more compliant I'm going to gauge my eyes out with a spoon." "You've given your Auntie a heater," said Esther. "Yeah," I said, "She was saying how cold she's been so I thought I'd get her a little heater to keep her quiet." "That's a maintenance matter," said Esther firmly, "You can't take anything out of the maintenance stores without filling out paperwork, asking my permission and completing the appropriate risk assessment." "Are you serious?" I asked. "Deadly serious," said Esther, "These rules exist for a reason." "Yeah," I said, "And it seems that one of the reasons is so you can assert what limited authority you have to go back to being a bossy b*tch." "I beg your pardon?" said an outraged Esther, "Did you just call me a b*tch?" "Yes," I said, "What are you going to do? Chuck me out? You're not the Empress of Dumpville, you're the queen of wonky windows and dodgy door frames. Basically, you're a glorified caretaker." Esther looked angry. "And what are you?" she said, "Someone who sits down and listens to people moan? Hardly something to be proud about." "I'm not proud," I said, "I'm contributing like everyone else; like you. I know exactly what I am, Esther; a nobody who sits in a depressing office, listening to loads of people complaining about water temperature, the entertainment in Triton's and the lack of vegan food. The difference is I don't think I'm something I'm not and I don't think my job makes me better than everyone else." "Just stick to the processes that are in place, Luke" said Esther." "Esther," I said, "I'm not going to jump through loads of bureaucratic hoops and make my Auntie Meryl wait for some heat because you want some piece of paper and your ego massaged." Esther started to say something but I interrupted. "Esther," I said, "Just give it a rest. I can't believe, with all the stuff that's going on around here, you're this bothered about pieces of paper and risk assessments." "All this stuff only started when you lot got here," said Esther. "Us lot?" I replied, with a firm tone "Are you not one of us anymore?" Esther frowned and stormed off. Bossy b*tch. I hate it when she thinks she's better than us and uses her 'role' to try and control people.

Later in the day TJ and I were walking to Millie's chalet with the aim of finding out if she's the one who has been sending us the threatening notes. I showed TJ the note I was left last night and he agreed with me that we needed to sort all this out. "I've got an idea," I said to TJ, "You knock on Millie's door, get her outside, distract her and I'll sneak into the chalet and have a quick look around." "Oh p*ss off," said TJ, "I'm not doing all that again." "Why not?" I asked, "You distracted the soldiers the other day." "Yeah, and look at all the drama that caused," said TJ. "Mike managed to get over the wall," I said, "Look, this will work." "Well how exactly are we going to get her out of her chalet?" asked TJ. We both spent a few moments trying to come up with an idea, accepting that using the same technique we used with the soldiers the other night wouldn't work. I told TJ to knock on the door and tell Millie that he was feeling upset about Mike and that he wanted to go for a walk and talk to someone. "That won't work," said TJ, "She'll think it's weird that I want to talk to her about Mike. I've hardly said two sentences to her since she came here. Anyway, if believes me, she'll lock the door and you won't be able to get in." As we approached Millie's chalet, TJ said he had an idea that would definitely work. He picked up a large stone from a nearby flower bed, looked around to make sure no one was about and pelted the stone through Millie's front door window. The glass smashed and I looked at TJ in shock. "What the f* ck was that?" I said. "Just chill out gay boy," he said, "Keep quiet and follow my lead."

Millie's front door opened and she appeared in the doorway. "What the Hell's going on?" she asked. "It was kids," said TJ, once again convincingly lying and pointing towards Main Street, "They went that way." "Little b*stards," said Millie. Without any thought and full of anger she ran off towards Main Street, leaving her front door wide open. TJ looked at me and smiled. "See," he said, "Works every time. Me and my mates used to do it on the way to school. We'd chuck a brick through someone's window, they'd come to the front door and we'd say it was one of the bigger boys. They'd run off leaving their front door open and we'd go in and nick their tellies." "Wow," I said, "I bet your Mum was proud of you. I didn't think it was possible but it I think you've just managed to make Trudy look slightly less chavvy." TJ said he thought we had about five minutes until Millie returned, so we quickly entered the chalet and had a look around.

Her home was the same set up as everyone else's; living room and bathroom at the front and the bedroom and kitchen at the back. I quickly flicked through some of the old magazines on the coffee table to see if any letters had been cut out. They hadn't. TJ was too busy raiding the fridge and eating the food. At the back of the living room was a small desk which had a little lamp on it and various pieces of paper. I went and had a look and discovered that Millie has been writing some sort of book. I read a couple of paragraphs and discovered that Millie was writing a book about me! "Have you seen this?" I said to TJ, "This cheeky cow has been writing a bl**dy book about me." TJ came and joined me, eating a chicken leg. "What makes you think it's a book about you?" asked TJ. I started to read part of a paragraph. "LOU looked over at NIOLA with love in his heart, passion in his eyes and lust in his pants. He knew deep down that a pot belled loser like him would never win the heart of such an attractive maiden. Was it because of his physical appearance, lack of charisma, tragic personality or his inability to stop complaining? He'd never know, but what he did know was that she would never be his." TJ burst into a fit of laughter. "She's got you down to a T," he giggled. "Cheeky b*tch," I giggled, "I'm obviously Lou and Naomi is clearly Niola. I thought Millie was alright." "I think she is alright," said TJ, "That's the funniest thing I've heard in ages." "Oh really," I said, "Well maybe I should read what she's put about you." I picked up another piece of paper and read out part of another paragraph. "TK looked over at the King's wife and struggled to hide his sexual excitement. He knew deep down that a golden haired beauty such as her would not be the slightest bit interested in a loser like him. TK's inability to recognise his incompetence at wooing the female species only maintained his delusion of being an irresistible Adonis, rather than help him accept the sad truth that he was a forty year old virgin, who used to work in a box factory and live with his Mum." It was now my turn to burst into fits of laughter. This was hilarious. TJ obviously wasn't happy. "Cheeky f*cking b*tch," said an angry TJ, "I'm not a virgin! And I'm not forty! I'm going to rip her t*ts off." At that moment Millie re-entered her home. "What the Hell are you two doing in here?" she asked, "And why are you reading my papers and eating my food?" "Why are YOU writing all this sh*t about us?" snapped TJ. "I'm writer and those are my private papers," said Millie, snatching them out of our hands, "You can't just come into my home and do what you want." Millie looked at the smashed window and then looked back at us. "Did you smash my window?" she asked. "No," said TJ, "I told you it was kids." "Well I didn't see any kids," said Millie, "I think you smashed my window so you could get into my chalet and snoop around. What's brought all this on?" TJ and I looked at each other, unsure of what to say. "Come on," said Millie, "You get me out of my chalet, barge in here, eat my food and snoop around my stuff. Something's going on? What is it?" I turned my back and looked at TJ. "I don't think it's her," I whispered, "I don't think she sent the notes." "What are you whispering about?!" snapped Millie. TJ and I turned round, looked at Millie and appeared anxious. The three of us stood looking at each other in silence. "OK," said Millie, "If you're not going to talk to me, maybe you'll talk to Dump."