Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 267: Saturday 20th May 2017 23:46

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Day 267
Saturday 20th May 2017 23:46

It's been a tiring day. I spent all afternoon going from door to door trying to get votes; I had a heated confrontation with Esther and a rather sad and upsetting conversation with Naomi.

Whilst out canvassing the first door I knocked on was Trudy's. I told her that I was running in the election and that I thought I could do a better job at running the holiday park than Dump. "You've got to be f*cking kidding" said Trudy, "You're involved in all this sh*te?" "Yes I am," I said, "And it's not sh*te, it's important. Do you really think Dump's doing a good job?" "Well no," said Trudy, "But you don't start drinking infected p*ss because you don't like Aldi's version of lemonade." "Are you comparing me to infected p*ss?" I said in outrage, "And Dump's worse than Aldi's own lemonade, much worse." "Oh chill out," said Trudy, "I can't be arsed voting. I'm pregnant in case you forgot." "You've got to vote," I said, "Everyone's got to vote, it's important." "I'm going to have a baby soon," said Trudy, "So all I'm bothered about is spitting out a healthy sprog that doesn't stretch my f*nny too much." "Well if you vote for me I promise that as soon as I'm leader I will gather a team of people and we'll go out looking for a Doctor or a Midwife or someone who can help deliver your baby." "How do I know you'll do what you say?" asked Trudy, "You might be full of sh*t like all the other politicians." "Come on Trudy," I said, "How long have you know me? I'm not a politician? I'm just one guy trying to do the right thing." "Well Esther told me she'd make sure I got to a hospital if I voted for her," said Trudy. "What?!" I exclaimed, "How the Hell is she going to do that?" "I don't know," said Trudy, "But she promised. That's better than what you've just offered." "Don't trust her," I said, "There's no way she can deliver on that promise. She'll say anything to be the boss." "Well I'll tell you what would make me vote for you," said Trudy, "Anyone who p*sses me off gets locked in the stocks and has people throw tomatoes at them and I don't want to be made to do any work until my kid is two." I frowned with concern and was about to say that wasn't appropriate but Trudy could see my expression. "OK," she said, "If you don't want my vote." She started to shut her door but I stopped her. "OK," I said, "It's a deal. What did Mia offer you?" "She said if I voted for her she'd do my hair in pigtails," said Trudy. I rolled my eyes. "And what about Dump?" I asked. "He hasn't been to see me," said Trudy. I thought this was weird. Esther, Mia and I were out trying to get votes and Dump was nowhere to be seen. Very odd. Maybe he thinks he's already got this in the bag. Deluded!

The next door I knocked on was Auntie Meryl's. "I'm here about the election," I said. "What election?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Is Margaret Thatcher abdicating?" "Auntie Meryl," I said, preparing for what I knew was going to be a long and painful conversation, "Margaret Thatcher hasn't been the Prime Minister for nearly thirty years and I think only the Queen can abdicate." "Is the Queen abdicating too?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Oh this country's going to the dogs. It wasn't like this in my day. People took their responsibilities seriously." "Forget about the Queen," I said, "I'm here about the election." "I didn't know there was an election?" said Auntie Meryl. "Yes," I said, "Me, Dump, Mia and Esther." "Oh have you four voted already?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No," I said, "We don't vote, we get voted for." "Well who's going to vote for you?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Well I want you to vote for me," I said. "I can't vote for you, you're not a candidate," said Auntie Meryl. "Yes, I am!" I exclaimed. "Are you?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Well when did you get into politics? I didn't know any of this. Something else you don't bother to talk to me about. Anyway you won't win. Thatcher might be a hard faced old cow but she knows what she's on about." "I'm not running against Margaret bl**dy Thatcher," I said. "Well you need to run against someone," said Auntie Meryl, "I've heard of a one horsed race but this is silly. To run in the general election you need to go against other candidates." "It's not the general election you daft bint!" I said, raising my voice. "We are electing a new leader for here. It's between me, Mia, Dump and Esther." "But you said they've just voted." "No, I didn't!" I said, starting to get annoyed, "Look, there are four people that want to be leader of this place and you have to vote for one." "Well who are they?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Me! Mia! Dump and Esther!" I loudly said. "Who?" asked a confused looking Auntie Meryl. I rolled my eyes and repeated myself. "Me. Mia. Dump. And Esther," I slowly and calmly said. "Oh, I don't know who any of that lot are," said Auntie Meryl. "Yes you do!" I shouted, "We've spent ages together. You came round to mine with Mia the other day." "Oh they've all got weird names," said Auntie Meryl, "I can't remember what they're all bl**dy called." "Look," I said, "In a few days you'll get a bit of paper. It will have some names on it. You'll see my name so just put a cross next to it." "A cross?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Yes!" I shouted, "A cross! A cross, for crying out loud! It means you'll be voting for me! Do you understand?!" "Alright!" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "No need to shout, I understand. Although what any of this has got to do with the Queen abdicating is beyond me." I left Auntie Meryl's feeling glad that I'd never entered politics and thinking that if it was that hard to go a potential vote from my own Auntie, what the Hell was it going to be like getting votes from others?