Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 365: Saturday 26th August 2017 23:30

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Day 365
Saturday 26th August 2017 23:30

Well it's been 365 days (that's one whole year) since I started this diary. This time last year I was sat in a sexual health clinic waiting to get my Chlamydia checked out. I was trapped in a building surrounded by a load of weirdos and oddballs doing my head in and now a year later I'm still trapped in a bl**dy building with a load of weirdos and oddballs (most of whom I was trapped in the sexual health clinic with)  who are STILL doing my head in. God knows where I'll be in another year. I might be dead!

When we woke up in the barn this morning there was a tense atmosphere as we all got ready to go back to the pub. Trudy kept giving Naomi filthy stares. "Will you please stop looking at her like that?" I snapped at Trudy. "What do you expect?" said an angry Trudy, "It's her fault Troy's dead . . .  I mean . . . she killed someone in front of my kids. Bang out of order." "Oh, I get it," I said, "You're not just p*ssed off with Naomi for doing what she did in front of your kids, you're p*ssed off with her because she killed your little mate." "Ha, you're deluded," said Trudy, "Troy wasn't my mate. What are you on about?" "You had some weird love/hate relationship with him," I said, "Don't think you can fool me." "Well if I can't fool you, how about I chin you," said Trudy. "Why can't you just say you're sad Troy's dead and that you're angry with Naomi for killing him?" I said. "Look, you worry about yourself and your eleven chins, and I'll worry about me," said Trudy. "Wow," I said, "It's like the b*tchy spirt of Troy lives on."

Lindon, Naomi, Trudy and I gathered our things, collected what we could use as weapons and got into the van at the back of the barn. The van was a bit temperamental but after a bit of fiddling about we managed to get it started and we all drove back to the pub. The journey was a bit weird.  In fact it was quite uncomfortable. As the tense atmosphere lingered I tried to break the awkward silence. "Soooo," I said, "We're all going to be reunited. That's nice isn't it?" My comment was met with more awkward silence and unhappy stares. "Well I'm really looking forward to us all getting back together," I said with a cheery tone, "All of us reunited like one big happy family." "What family?" said Trudy, "The Mansons?" "Let's just be glad that we're all back together," I said with a smile. "Not all of us," said Trudy. I turned and looked at Trudy and quietly told her to knock it off. It was like she was trying to cause an argument. Naomi looked guilty and uncomfortable. Part of me felt sorry for her. "Are we still going to City One?" asked Lindon. "Oh, so now you decide to string a frigging sentence together?" Trudy snapped at Lindon, "I've been stuck with you for f*cking weeks putting up with your bl**dy annoying silences and frustrating one word answers and now all of a sudden Luke and the Homo killer turn up and we can't shut you up!?" "Yes, Lindon," I said, ignoring Trudy, "Naomi's got the map so I guess we all need to chat about going to City One."

When we arrived at the pub Mike and TJ greeted me with a smile on their faces. They hugged me and Mike insisted on physically checking me to make sure I was OK and that I hadn't been harmed. "I'm OK," I said, "Don't worry." Trudy and Lindon then appeared in the doorway. "Look who it is!" TJ exclaimed with a smile on his face, "It's Vicky Pollard's fatter and uglier twin sister." "Nice to see you too d*ckhead," said Trudy, "Where are Primark and Aldi?" "HULK and WOLVERINE are upstairs with Meryl and Courtney," said TJ. "You can knock it off with those sh*t comic book names," said Trudy, "They're called Primark and Aldi," "Hulk and Wolverine," said TJ, "Anyway, where have you been? Shacking up with lovely Lindon here? I suppose he does find dead bodies sexually attractive and you do look like a half dead corpse." "You'll be a fully dead corpse if you don't shut your gob," said Trudy. "Where have you been?" asked a worried Mike. "Look, just let us in," I said, "We'll explain everything." "But Meryl said Naomi was here," said TJ, "She said she went mad, killed Troy and kidnapped you. Your Auntie's said some weird stuff in her time but that takes the biscuit." Naomi then appeared with a guilty look on her face. There was a tense atmosphere as an awkward silence descended. Mike and TJ clearly noticed this. "What's going on?" asked TJ. "Just let us in," I said, "We can talk about it."