Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 315: Friday 7th July 2017 18:27

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Day 315
Friday 7th July 2017 18:27

Well we're back out on the ocean heading for home but there's been some pretty awkward and uncomfortable conversations today that resulted in us all getting p*ssed off.

Mike, Dump and I sat down and started talking about what went on when got drunk the other night.  "You were both absolutely arseholed," said Mike, with laughter, pointing at me and Dump. "And I suppose you were sober as a judge were you?" said Dump. "No, I was a bit merry," said Mike, "But I wasn't as pissed as you two. You were necking it down you like you were on a stag do in Cardiff." "Well I think you must have spiked us," Dump said. "With what?" laughed Mike, "That massive stash of rohypnol and GHB I've got in my back pocket? D*ckhead. You two were out of it for most of yesterday and it's not because I drugged you; it's because you were both knocking it back like a pair of f*cking sailors on shore leave." "I think you're exaggerating," said Dump. "I'm not," said Mike, "I found out all sorts about you both. You don't half get loose lipped when you've had a few." Dump and I gave Mike a look of concern. "I think we should just forget about the whole thing," said Dump, "And just focus on getting back home." "Oh no," said Mike with a big grin on his face, "I think you need reminding of what you said. Now after the first couple, we started slagging Hilary off and we all sort of bonded over our mutual hatred for him." "I remember that bit," I said, pointing at Dump, "You said that me and you had matching scars and that we'd be bonded for life by our permanent reminder of how we survived Hilary's torture. Idiot. You were p*ssed after the first couple." "Well Mr Dump here had a lot to say for himself," said Mike, smiling as Dump adopted an angry expression. "He started saying how we were all similar," said Mike, "How no one really wants us, how we were all abused by Hilary, how we've all done things we're not proud of and how we struggle with relationships." "Yeah, he said that sort of stuff to me before," I said, "I don't struggle with relationships." "Oh please," said Dump, "You're a walking disaster. The only long term meaningful relationship you've been able to maintain has been with your right hand." "Shut up," I said, "And for your information people do WANT me. My friends are out there somewhere and they'll be worried about me right now. Who the Hell is going to be worried about you?" "Friends?" laughed Dump, "A compulsive liar who slags you off and says you have a tiny c*ck, a council house chav who thinks you're a loser, a camp queer who criticises everything about you, a dumb blonde who can't tell the time and an Auntie who doesn't even know what year it is. Friends!? Don't make me laugh." "They ARE my friends," I snapped, "Not that I expect you to understand anything about friendship." "I'll tell you what he does know a lot about," said Mike, "Rejection. Not being good enough. That's right isn't it pumpkin head?" "Shut up," Dump said with a serious tone. "After we'd had a few swigs of vodka and had a bit of a giggle we ended up measuring c*ck sizes." "What!?" Dump and I loudly exclaimed. "Relax," said Mike, "Loads of guys do that when they're drunk." "They bl**dy do not!" I loudly said, "Why the F*CK would we end up doing something like that?" "Well Ronald said you were known for having a tiny penis," said Mike, "You started arguing and said you thought yours was bigger than his. I said there was only one way to settle the argument, so you whipped them out and I measured them." "You measured our nobs!" I loudly said with surprise. "I got mine out too," said Mike, sounding like I was overreacting, "We were all in it together. I'm not just going to stand here and look at your nobs am I?" "No," I sarcastically said, "Because that would be weird. Getting yours out and measuring all three is a much more normal thing to do. Not weird at all." "Who's was the biggest?" asked Dump. "Oh for God's sake!" I loudly said, "It doesn't matter who's was the biggest!" "Yeah, you would say that," said Dump, "Because you know yours is the smallest. Am I right Mike?" Mike gave me a sympathetic smile and a reassuring rub on the shoulder. "It's OK babes," he said, "Size isn't important." "Ha," laughed Dump, "In other words you're c*ck's invisible." Great! I thought. More confirmation that I'm an inadequate man with a tiny c*ck. Perfect! "Well yours isn't invisible," Mike said to Dump, "In fact I think it's the only part of your body that's actually white. Your c*ck looked like a little white sock sticking out of a mahogany chest of drawers." I gave a little laugh. "You think that's funny do you?" Dump firmly said to me, "Do you think you're in a position to laugh at me?" "Yeah I do," I said, "Especially if you think us three are similar. We couldn't be more different." "You keep telling yourself that," said Dump, "But we're three peas in a pod." "No, we're three blokes on a boat," I said, "We're not here because we want to be here with each other. We're here because we've been thrown together. I don't want to be stuck here on a boat with a dictator like you. In fact I can't think of anyone who would actually want to be around you."