Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 293: Thursday 15th June 2017 22:13

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Day 293
Thursday 15th June 2017 22:13

A nice relaxing day. We decided not to go out and confront Dump but instead decided to stay in and have a day where we relaxed.

In the morning I heard Dump over the Tannoy system saying that the car that exploded just outside Dumpville yesterday was the jeep Privates Hard, Gotobed and Verrilli – Parini used to go out on a run. "I do not know how the jeep ended up busting into flames," said Dump, "But my soldiers looked at the wreckage and found no bodies. This means DeShawn, Luke and TJ along with Privates Hard, Gotobed and Verrilli – Parini are currently missing." I wondered if Anne had been in touch with Dump and if he'd figured out that we killed the soldiers and assumed fake identities to get info from Anne. Dump went on to say that the explosion attracted a large crowd of infected and that there were currently about a hundred and thirty of them outside growling at the main gates. He said that until the infected have been dealt with he didn't want anyone leaving Dumpville. "Why doesn't he just get the soldiers to shoot them all?" asked TJ. "Because he doesn't want anyone leaving Dumpville," I said, "He's going to use the infected as a barrier to stop people from going outside."

After the announcement me, TJ and DeShawn laid on Seth and Naomi's sofas chilling out and taking it easy. Seth and Naomi brought everyone else round and after we'd all exchanged hugs and kisses we told them about all of the drama that we'd encountered outside Dumpville. I don't think Auntie Meryl could quite understand why me, TJ and DeShawn were dressed as soldiers. We explained what happened with Anne, The Traders, the lies Dump has told them, the set up at the car plant, the weird room with the heads in, how we pretended to be soldiers, blowing up the jeep, getting back into Dumpville unnoticed and the mysterious figure that appeared at East Hill, and just before the jeep blew up. We then played the recording of Dump admitting to letting the infected in, and of Anne talking about the arrangement between Dump and The Traders. Trudy said Dump was an arsehole, Troy said it all sounded like an episode of 'Lost' and Lindon (as usual) didn't say anything. I think Auntie Meryl got a bit confused. "Well I've never liked that Anne Robinson," she said, "She went all up herself when she left 'Points of View' and started doing that Weak Link thing." "Auntie Meryl," I said, "It wasn't the REAL Anne Robinson, it was a woman CALLED Anne Robinson." "Oh, and the fact that she had ginger hair is just a coincidence is it?" said Auntie Meryl. "What are you on about?" I said, "She didn't have ginger hair." "Yes but her name WAS Anne Robinson wasn't it?" said Auntie Meryl smugly.

Mia, unsurprisingly, was a bit confused too. "Hang on," she said "You said you saw Lesley and Mandy's heads in that room. Well they were cannibals weren't they?" "Yes they were," I said, "I know what you're thinking; cannibals eating cannibals." "Yes but isn't that a bit weird," said Mia, "Cannibals eating cannibals. I mean. Can that happen? Isn't it like chickens eating chicken breast?" "I think it's a bit different sweetheart," said Naomi. "No," said Mia, "It's like lambs eating lambs or cows eating cow." "Beef," I said. "What?" asked Mia. "We don't call it cow, do we?" I said, "We call it beef." "I don't know what you mean," said Mia. "Beef comes from cows," I said, "You don't go into a restaurant and ask for cow, you ask for beef. Beef comes from cows." "No," said Mia, "Things like milk comes from cows. Beef comes from beef. Like chicken comes from chicken." "What are you on about?" I exclaimed, "Beef comes from beef?! Beef comes from cows you daft mare." "No," said Mia, "If it was food that came from a cow it would be called cow." "Are you serious?" I said, sounding annoyed, "Where do you think beef comes from then?" "From beef," said Mia. "What do you mean 'from beef'?" I exclaimed, "Do you think there's an animal out there called beef?" "Of course there is," said Mia, "Why would they call food beef, if it came from a cow? That's like calling chicken, hippo. It doesn't come from a hippo, it comes from a chicken, that's why it's called chicken." "Are you taking the p*ss?!" I asked, "When you eat a cow it's beef! Beef comes from a cow!" "No it doesn't," said Mia, "How can it?" "Jesus Christ!?" I replied, "What's wrong with you? OK, what about bacon? Where do you think bacon comes from? Do you think there's an animal out there called bacon? What about pork? What about ham? What about sausages?" "Well I don't think there's an animal out there called sausages or bacon," said Mia, "I suppose all of those things come from different animals with different names." "No you daft bint!" I shouted, "They all come from the same animal." "How can different foods come from the same animal?" said Mia. "They come from a pig! Pork come from a pig. Why do you think he was called Porky Pig?!" I shouted. "Because he was fat," said Mia. "Will you two shut up?!" Naomi interrupted, "We're trying to talk about serious stuff here."