Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 270: Tuesday 23rd May 2017 22:31

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Day 270
Tuesday 23rd May 2017 22:31

I woke up this morning feeling cr*p. After I loudly farted and sh*t myself on stage in front of everyone yesterday, I wasn't sure if I should continue canvassing or keep a low profile.

It was quite early on when there was a knock at the door. I expected it to be Naomi or Mia, checking up on me to see if I was OK. I was surprised and annoyed when I opened the door to find TJ on my doorstep but I wasn't surprised to see him stood there with a big smile on his face. I rolled my eyes, said nothing and started to simply close the door but TJ stopped me. "Whoa hang on a minute," he said as he walked into my living room, "I've come here to help you." "Help me?" I questioned. "Yeah," said TJ, "I've heard there's some adult nappies in the medical room, maybe they'd come in handy." TJ started laughing and I rolled my eyes in boredom. "Very helpful," I sarcastically said, "Very funny. I actually had . . . a. . . err . . . dicky tummy." "A dicky tummy?!" exclaimed TJ, "It was like a sh*t bomb going off in your trousers. I mean, I know you're usually full of sh*t but cacking your pants on stage and leaving a trail of diarrhoea is taking it to a different level. You never fail to entertain," TJ again started laughing. "Have you finished now?!" I snapped. "Sorry," giggled TJ, "I just can't hold it in. A bit like you and your sh*t! HA!" "OK," I said, feeling annoyed, "That's it you can sod off now. I'm just going to withdraw from the election. I'm obviously not going to win. There! Are you happy now?" "Chill out little boy poo," said TJ, "I'm just pulling your leg. Good job I'm not pulling your Mum's leg; it might fall off." "For God's sake," I said, "Will you just leave?" "Alright Doctor Poo, Pooper Man, So Solid Poo . . . Brad Sh*t!" giggled TJ. "Have you finished?" I snapped. "Nearly," said TJ, "Sh*tney Spears; sh*t me baby one more time. Ha. I like that one." "Right, that's it," I said as I grabbed hold of TJ's arm and ushered him back towards the door, "You've had your fun, you can p*ss off now." "Relax gay boy," said TJ, "I'm only having a laugh. Are you really going to drop out of this election thing?" "Yes," I bluntly said. "Well who'd have thought it," said TJ, "Dropping out because you can't handle someone like me taking the p*ss." "No," I firmly said, "I'm dropping out because I looked like a bumbling incontinent camel in front of everyone." "So?" said TJ, "After flashing your tiny little tadpole of a todger at a load of kids and writing a letter to their parents saying you wanted to f*ck their kids, I thought you'd have been used to looking like a pillock by now. Everyone round here knows you're a sandwich short of a picnic. Don't let a bit of sh*t put you off." "I have no idea if this is meant to be helpful or insulting," I said, "But I'd like you to leave." "Seriously, gay boy," said TJ, "You can't let Esther win this thing. She'll be a f*cking nightmare if she takes over." "Well if I pull out you can vote for Dump can't you?" I said. "No," said TJ, "I reckon I've got a better chance of f*cking Destiny if he's toppled, remember." "Well I'm not standing in this election to help you f*ck Destiny," I said, "Believe it or not, TJ, that's not my priority." I eventually got rid of TJ and I hate to say it but some of what he said made me contemplate. I've been in plenty of embarrassing situations before and gotten over them. Could I get over this?

Not long after TJ left, Naomi came to see me. "What happened?!" she almost shrieked, "I came to see you after the debate but you weren't answering your door." "Well you don't really feel like seeing a load of people after you've sh*t yourself in front of them," I said. "Well what happened?!" "What do you think happened?" I said, "I spiked Dump's cup of tea with the laxative but they must have gotten mixed up and I ended up drinking the wrong drink, didn't I?" "How the Hell did you mix the drinks up?!" exclaimed Naomi, "For God's sake, can't you get anything right?" "Thanks," I bluntly said, "TJ's already been round taking the p*ss and now you're here having a go. I didn't want to do any of this in the first place. You pressured me into it, it was your idea, remember. I feel really cr*p so I don't need you making me feel worse." "OK," said Naomi, "I'm sorry but look, you don't have to feel cr*p you know. People are saying they're going to vote for you." "You're kidding?!" I said, "Even after they saw me sh*t myself on stage?" "Well I think you've lost SOME support," said Naomi, "But I've heard people saying that they related more with what you said than anyone else." This was a pleasant but total surprise. I wouldn't vote for someone if I'd just seen them sh*t their pants in front of everyone but my introductory speech obviously had an effect. "Maybe you could actually win this," said Naomi, "It would be great if you were leader. Don't let a bit of sh*t put you off. Do some more canvassing and try and get some more votes."

Feeling a bit more positive I decided to take Naomi's advice and do some more canvassing. Some people were rather negative towards me. They told me that they thought if I sh*t myself giving a speech, I'd have a heart attack running this place, and dealing with the Army and the infected. I told a few people the things that I did before arriving to Dumpville. I explained that I might get myself into embarrassing situations sometimes but that I always managed to get myself out of them and that before coming here I'd been in some very tough, life threatening situations that required me to make difficult decisions. Some people seemed impressed but some were adamant that they weren't going to vote for me. F*ckers! There's another debate in a day or so, so maybe this time I can do a proper speech, impress people and sway the un-deciders to vote for me; hopefully this time I won't sh*t my pants in front of everyone. As I walked around Dumpville canvassing, some people gave me some unimpressed looks, some giggled at me and some shouted various comments at me. "Sh*t yourself today, Luke?!" someone bellowed. "Hope you've got a clean pair of pants on Mr President!" another yelled. Very funny! The good thing was that some people sympathised with me and told me that I had guts talking in front of so many people on stage and that they could understand me being nervous. They couldn't understand me having a great big sh*t explosion in my pants but they could understand my nerves getting the better of me.

Later on I spoke to Mia. I asked her how things were going. "Not bad," she said, "I've been painting most of the day with the kids. I think I've definitely got their vote." "Kids can't vote," I explained, "They're too young, they won't be allowed. It's just the adults who can vote." "Well I didn't know that," said Mia sounding angry, "Oh I don't know any of the rules of this thing. Why can't kids vote anyway? It's elimination." "I think you mean discrimination," I said. "Anyway," said Mia, "You pooed on stage, so you should face discrimination." "No," I said, "THAT IS elimination." "Oh you're just trying to confuse me," said Mia, "Why did you poo on stage anyway?" "Well I thought I'd do it for a bit of a laugh," I sarcastically said, "I thought if I went on stage, farted loudly and sh*t my pants in front of everyone that they'd all vote for me." "Really?" asked Mia. "NOOOO YOU DAFT COW!" I shouted, "Of course not! Jesus Christ! What's wrong with you!?" "Well why did you poo?" asked Mia. "It was an accident," I said, "I didn't do it on purpose! Do you actually think I'd go on stage and sh*t myself deliberately? I just had . . . well . . . let's just say a poorly tummy." "Well I'm still not sure what canvassing is," said Mia, "I suppose I'm just going to go around and tell people why they should vote for me, instead." God!!

I'm going to speak to Naomi and plan another killer speech for the next Q&A debate. Right now I'm feeling really positive and I think there's a possibility I could win this thing.