Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 222: Wednesday 5th April 2017 21:47

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Day 222
Wednesday 5th April 2017 21:47

Esther and I confronted each other today about the other night and it once again got very heated. God, she's such a tw*t!

So after yesterday's hangover Hell, I am now back to my normal self, which will surely mean a bird is waiting to sh*t on me, a dog is waiting to p*ss on me, a tramp is waiting to spit on me and a pregnant woman is waiting to vomit on me. Joking aside, I am feeling much clearer headed than I was yesterday but there are still certain events that I'd like to wipe from my mind.

I was walking to work when TJ spotted me. "Oi, oi, oi!" he loudly said with a smile on his face, walking over to me and patting me, annoyingly hard, on the back, "It's Paul Gascoigne. I didn't see you yesterday. Hungover?" "I had a stomach bug, actually," I said. "Yeah, whatever gay boy," said TJ with giggle, "I think that stomach bug's got a special name; alcohol poisoning. Bl**dy Hell you were knocking 'em back like Homer Simpson on Duff. What got into you?" "I don't want to talk about it," I said. "Well don't let Dump or Adrian find out you didn't turn up for work because you were hungover. They won't be happy." "I've told you, I had a stomach bug," I said, trying to quickly escape TJ's questions. "I'm surprised you've not got liver failure with the amount of vodka you were chucking down your throat," said TJ. "For God's sake TJ," I said, "Don't go over the top. Why do you always have to exaggerate?" "Exaggerate?!" exclaimed TJ, "You were knocking 'em back like f*cking Charlotte Church! I'm surprised you didn't get chucked out." I shook my head and carried on walking to my office. "Do you remember what you said to Esther?" asked TJ. I stopped and gave TJ a serious look. "No," I said, "Well, I remember some things but there are a few bits I don't remember." "Oh yeah?" asked TJ with a grin, "What do you remember?" "Well," I said, "I remember coming back to Triton's and ordering a drink and I remember telling Esther that it wasn't my fault Dump withdrew his job offer but after that it's all a bit of a blur." "Ha!" laughed TJ, "F*ck me gay boy, can you really remember nothing after that? You and Esther started ripping strips off each other. You said she made Cruella DeVille look like Little Bo Peep. You said she had the personality of a gone off cactus and you said she reminded you an enthusiastic Nazi." I put my head in my heads and despaired. "It was quite something," said TJ, "Very entertaining. I mean you were slurring your words so that's what I think you said. We've all been thinking it but you had the balls to say it. Anyway, you'll be in Esther's bad books so just avoid her." "Oh don't worry," I said, "I'll be avoiding her."

I went to work and for once it was a relatively quiet day. Mary came to see me and I once again apologised for the big food fight I got involved in with Esther. Mary said I should be embarrassed that I hid away all day yesterday. "A proper man would face these things head on," she said. Naomi and Mia came to see me. They were both shocked at my drunken outburst and they both thought I owed Esther an apology. "No way!" I exclaimed, "I haven't done anything wrong." "Nothing wrong?" said Naomi, "You told her she had a face like a cat's arsehole and then you started talking about Matt." "Oh God," I said, "What did I say?" "You said you were surprised she made Matt cum," said Mia, "But you didn't say come, where. So it was all a bit confusing. Mind you, you'd had a few lemonades so I think the bubbles must have gone to your head." "To be fair," said Naomi, "You were both quite brutal. I'd say you were as bad as each other. I needed to see to Amelia so I left just after she'd called you a weedy little pr*ck." "TJ told me I was really knocking them back," I said. "You were," said Naomi, "But then again, so was Esther. I'm surprised they served either of you. Maybe if you apologise to her, she'll apologise to you and the whole thing can be forgotten." "No way," I said, "I might have been a drunken d*ck but from what you've said so was she. I'll apologise after she has. Anyway, we're avoiding each other." "Very mature," said Naomi.