Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 331: Sunday 23rd July 2017 22:36

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Day 331
Sunday 23rd July 2017 22:36

God what an exhausting day.

Before all the drama kicked off, the day started like any other day with me getting ready for my morning shower. However when I stepped into the cubical the water came out lukewarm with not much flow to it. I wasn't happy so I put my dressing gown and went outside to look at the generator. I couldn't figure out what was wrong so I pressed a few buttons and kicked it a bit in the hope it might do something. I returned to the shower and whilst the flow had improved ever so slightly the temperature was still lukewarm. I opened the bathroom and shouted to Mike. "There's something wrong with the shower!" I called, "Doesn't look like we have much water, so we need to be careful how much we use." Mike acknowledged my announcement and I carried on with my shower. A few moments later just as I was about to start putting shampoo in my hair, I heard the bathroom door open and the shower screen been pulled back. I frowned and turned round to see Mike stood stark boll*ck naked in front of me. "Morning," he casually said. "Mike, what the f*ck are you doing!?" I loudly exclaimed. "Having a shower," he said sounding like he was confused at my surprise. "I'M having a shower now!" I yelled, "Get out!" "You told me we had to be careful with the water," said Mike, "If we shower together it'll mean we both get clean but use less water. Killing two birds with one stone. I once killed two birds with one stone. Well, it was more of a rock." "Mike, get out!" I yelled. "What's up?" he asked, "It's like being college buddies, or football buddies. They all shower together. Come on, I'll do your back." "You won't do my bl**dy back," I said, "This is weird, just please leave me to it." Mike looked really confused. "Why is it weird?" he asked, "Two friends showering together. We'd do this if we were at the gym, or in the swimming baths, or in prison." "We're not in either of those things," I said, starting to get frustrated, "Will you just go!!" "Well you said we had to be careful with water," said Mike, "Wouldn't you rather shower like this than not get a shower at all? If we carry on showering like this, it's a good way to store up water." I couldn't argue with Mike's logic, as much as I wanted to. I rolled my eyes and begrudgingly agreed to his suggestion. "Fine," I said, pointing a firm finger at him, "But no one gets to find out about this." "I won't say anything," Mike picked up the shower gel and smiled at me. "Come on," he said, "I'll squirt you." It was one of the weirdest showers with a hint of strange intimacy I've ever had.

Later in the day Mike and I went back to the cash n carry. It was another stress free outing. We loaded up our cars again and rammed them as full as we could; pasta, bottled water, tinned food, loads of stuff. Mike and I took the walking talkies with us this time and on the way back to Dumpville Mike radioed me and told me to pull over because he had something to show me. I frowned, intrigued, but with a hint of concern. I hoped he wasn't going to show me pictures of us showering together that had been taken by a secret camera he'd set up. I pulled over, got out of the car and joined Mike, who was pointing at a lone cow in the field in front. Mike looked at me with a beaming smile. "A cow?" I plainly said. "Yeah," said Mike, with excitement in his voice, "We can kill it and all have some beef." "Kill it?" I bluntly said, "Have you ever killed a cow before?" "Yeah," said Mike, "Me and Mary did, remember? I know what to do." It unnerved me a bit about how Mike was so excited to kill some poor cow, especially when we had a decent amount of food with us. "It's a nice idea, Mike," I said, "But I don't think we should kill a defenceless animal when we've got all this food." "Defenceless?" said Mike, "Look at the smug pr*ck. it's looking at us like it hates us." "Mike, it's a cow," I said, "I don't think it's capable of expressing hatred facially." "Come on let's kill it," said Mike, "Survival of the fittest. Part of the food chain and all that. You can't tell me a slice of beef doesn't make your mouth water."

As Mike continued talking I noticed something on the far side of the field that the cow was in. I squinted my eyes. It was the mysterious dark figure I saw just before Naomi crashed into a tree last week. I gasped and started running towards the cow. "What are you doing!?" exclaimed Mike. I ran across the field and stopped in my tracks by the lone cattle member. I stared towards the far side of the field and the mysterious figure had disappeared. I felt frustrated and disappointed. Mike joined me and asked me what was up. "Didn't you see it?" I asked sounding annoyed. "Yeah you're stood right next to it," said Mike. "No, not the cow you silly sod," I said, "That person!" "What person?" asked Mike. "The person, the mysterious person that keeps following me around. I saw him at East Hill, I saw him when DeShawn blew the jeep up, I saw him when Naomi crashed the car and I've just seen him again now. Who the Hell is it?" I took a step forward. "WHO ARE YOU!?" I shouted, "WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" I heard a sudden thud and turned round to see that Mike had just picked up a large rock and hit the cow over the head with it. I was now looking at an excited Mike, stood next to a dead cow and holding a rock in his hand. "Oh Mike, for f*cks sake," I said, annoyed. "Beef," he said, smiling at me. "How are we going to get it back?" I asked, "It's a big massive f*ck off cow." "It'll be alright," said Mike, "We can just squeeze it on the back seat." "Put it on the back seat!?" I exclaimed, "It's a massive f*cking cow, you can't just squeeze it in the back. Anyway both cars are full of stuff." "We could put it on the roof rack," said Mike. "The roof rack?" I said, "Are you seriously taking the p*ss? You want us to drive from here back to Dumpville with a dead cow on the roof rack? Why don't we just find a stray pig, slit it's throat and shove that up there too?" "Oooh, it'd be nice to have a bit of pork," said Mike, "Have you seen a pig around here?" "No I haven't seen a f*cking pig around here!" I yelled, "What are you trying to do!? Turn your car into Noah's ark? How the Hell do you think we're going to be able to lift a massive farmyard animal into a car!?" "Well it doesn't look that heavy," said Mike. "It's a massive f*cking cow!" I loudly exclaimed. Mike tried to move the animal but as expected, he couldn't. In the distance a handful of infected started growling and running towards us. "Come on," said an enthusiastic Mike, gearing up for a fight, "Let's show those infected piggies who's boss." "No," I firmly said, "Let's just leave the cow, ignore the infected, take the food and get out of here." Mike looked disappointed that he didn't get to take the cow back with us or kill the infected.

On the way back to Dumpville I told Mike that he should be happy and proud of himself that we were both going back with so much food and supplies. When we arrived back everyone was over the moon that we'd brought so much stuff back. Even b*tchy Troy said how much of a good job Mike and I had done. "I wanted to bring a big fat cow back," said Mike. "What for?" asked Troy, "We've already got Trudy here." "Funny aren't you, you big bender," Trudy said, "If you call me a cow again I'll rip your eyes out, make you eat them and when you sh*t them out I'll make you eat them again." I told everyone about the mysterious figure I once again saw but everyone seemed a lot more interested in Mike's idea of bringing a cow back so we could have some beef. Bunch of idiots!

In the distance I saw Dump walking towards his chalet. "Have you given him the car keys to get out of here yet?" asked TJ. "No," I said. "For f*cks sake," said TJ, "No wonder he's still here. Are you bumming him or something? Why don't you just give him the car keys so he can f*ck off?" "I'll give him the keys when he's ready to leave," I said. "Well if he's not ready to leave now, what's he playing at?" said TJ, "He IS up to something. The longer he stays here, the longer we all want him dead." "TJ, just give it a rest," I said, "I've got my eye on Dump." "How can you have your eye on Dump when you and lover boy Mike are going out on bumming patrol?" "We're going out bringing back food," I snapped, "I'm bringing back supplies, I'm watching Dump, what the f*ck are you doing? If you're not happy about something TJ, maybe you should do something about it, instead of moaning to me?" "Well maybe I will," said TJ. We both looked up as Dump walked off in the distance. "I'm not sure if he's going to leave," said TJ, "And if he doesn't leave, just remember; you're the one who brought him back."

I'm over the moon Mike and I brought more supplies back but things are getting a bit heated with the Dump situation. When I was at home with Mike I was talking to him about Dump and said that we needed action. "TJ's really not happy," I said. "He's never happy," said Mike, "He was like that as a kid. Always complaining about everything. I was the one who had stuff to complain about." "Yeah well after what's happened I think TJ's got every right to be angry. I think everyone has. Maybe I need to take charge and just tell Dump to f*ck off. No one wants him here so God know why he's still hanging around." "Maybe he's up to something dodgy," said Mike. "Well I'll talk to him tomorrow and tell him we all want him gone," I said, "I just hope I haven't lost my balls." "I used to share a cell with a guy who lost his balls," said Mike. "What, did he lose his confidence and chicken out or something?" I asked. "No," said Mike, "He lost his actual balls. He sold a bag of crack that belonged to Biffo in the cell next door so Biffo ended up biting his balls off. He never told anyone what he did with them. Some people think he ate them." "Anyway," I said, "I'll have a chat with Dump and tell him to pack his things and go. He should have gone days ago." "Well I'll be there to support you," said Mike, "I've got your back, and don't worry about losing your balls. I know you've got balls. You've got big, massive, beautiful balls and I think it's great when you show your balls." I frowned in confusion. I REALLY hope Mike was talking about my confidence and assertiveness, and not my actual testicles.

All being well this time tomorrow Dump will be gone and we can start living a Dump free life. I'm laid in bed now thinking about the mysterious person that keeps turning up. Today is the fourth time I have seen him – or her – and it's really eating away at me who it could be and why they keep appearing like this.