Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 214: Tuesday 28th March 2017 23:37

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Day 214
Tuesday 28th March 2017 23:37

Auntie Meryl's heater drama has continued, as has Troy's sham marriage fiasco.

I'm feeling better than I did yesterday but that has unfortunately meant I've had to return to work. Auntie Meryl came to see me (of course) and complained that the heater I'd arranged for her wasn't working. "This bl**dy heater," I said, tired and fed up, "This is becoming a right saga, what's wrong with it now?" "Luke warm," she said. "Yes, what?" I asked. "No, not you Luke Warm, the heater's lukewarm. It's not hot enough. One of the bars isn't coming on. It's like you; faulty and doesn't do a full job." "Don't blame me," I said, "I've busted a gut to get you that heater." "A dodgy knackered heater," said Auntie Meryl, "I'm starting to think you just want me to freeze to death." "Yeah, I'm starting to think that might be preferable at this point," I said, "Please wait here."

I stood up, walked towards my door, left the room and walked down the corridor to Esther's office. There was a note stuck in her door which said 'In a meeting. Will be back later.' I rolled my eyes and returned to Auntie Meryl. "Esther's not in," I said, "I'll talk to her about it later." "Later?!" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "What am I meant to do until then? I need heat now." "I'm sorry Auntie Meryl, There's nothing I can do. I'm trying my best." "This is your best?!" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "This is p*ss weak." "Look, tell me what you want me to do," I said. "It's your job to come up with the answers," said Auntie Meryl, "It's my job to come up with problems." I told Auntie Meryl that she'd have to wear her woolly cardigan for now and that I'd try and sort it out with Esther later on.

Troy was the next customer after Auntie Meryl; however he stormed in with such vigour I dropped my glass of water on to the laminated floor near the doorway. I didn't have time to clean it up as Troy immediately went into a full-on rant. "What did you say to Tina the other day?" he yelled. "Nothing," I said, "I certainly didn't drop you in it if that's what you're implying." "She's been saying that you told her I wasn't gay." "Yeah what's wrong with that?" I asked. "I don't want you talking to her about me being or not being gay," said Troy, "Just because you're too fat, ugly and bald to get a girlfriend doesn't mean you have to try and f*ck things up for me." "Oi, you cheeky sod," I said, "There's no need for that. Tina came to see me. She was really upset." "What about?" asked Troy. "About everyone saying you're gay and that you're camp and that you're a bitchy queen. . . well, I added the bitchy queen but you know what I mean. I didn't f*ck anything up for you. In fact I lied through my teeth to make things easier for you, so don't come in here having a go at me." Troy lowered his head and looked a bit guilty. "I just don't want Tina to get upset," said Troy. "Well tell her the truth then!" I exclaimed, "She's going to get hurt eventually. Things like this never end well. She asked me if I thought you were gay and I lied. What if she asks Trudy or TJ? They're not going to lie. The longer this goes on the worse you make it." "Thank you Claire Rayner," said Troy, "But I think I can take care of this myself." "Oh yeah," I said, "Because you're doing such a good job up to now aren't you?" "F*ck off," replied Troy, "If Tina comes and talks to you again just tell her to speak to me. We don't need your opinion and we don't need your interference." Troy turned round in dramatic diva fashion, he was about to storm out of the door, but he instead slipped on the pool of spilt water, lost his footing and grabbed hold of me in a desperate attempt to control his balance. This resulted in the pair of us falling to the floor with me landing on top of Troy. "Ouch," said Troy, "That really hurt." "Well you made it happen," I said. There was a slight cough. I looked up to notice TJ and Tina in the doorway. "Brilliant," said TJ, with a smile on his face, "Gay boy really is a gay boy. I'm surprised that you're on top though, I thought you'd have been a bottom." Troy and I returned to our feet. "We slipped on that pool of water, there," I said, frowning and pointing at the puddle. "Whatever," said TJ, "That's not water, it's probably lube that you used to loosen Troy's arse with. Not that it needs loosening." "Lube doesn't look like that you idiot," I said. "Well you'd know wouldn't you? You big horny homo," said TJ. Tina looked confused and quite upset. Troy explained that we had slipped on the water and that nothing was going on. "I'm not into men," said Troy, "You know that. You know I'm not gay. I'm just in touch with my feminine side." "Ha!" laughed TJ, "Are you saying there's a side of you that isn't feminine?" "There won't be a side of you that's not black and blue if you don't zip it," said Troy. He then looked at Tina and put his arm around her. "Come on," he said, "Let's go home."

Troy and Tina left, leaving me with TJ. I shut the door, looked at him and frowned. "God you can tell he's stiff me for me," he said, "Do you reckon he thinks of me while he's doing her up the dirt track?" "OK," I said, annoyed, "A few things; 1, no, I don't reckon he thinks of you when they have sex, in fact, I don't think people you've actually had sex with think of you when you're having sex, 2, I don't think they're actually having sex and 3, you need to keep your mouth shut and stop causing trouble." "Oh," said TJ, "I get it. You don't like me picking on your boyfriend do you?" "He's not my boyfriend you thick tw*t!" I exclaimed, "How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not gay!" "Yeah, whatever," said TJ, "That's why you were rolling round on the floor trying to stick your c*ck up his arse." "TJ," I said, frustrated and changing the subject, "Did you want something or did you just come here to p*ss me off?" "Well, it's a bit of both," said TJ, "We need to do something about Benjamin. He's getting on my nerves." "He's getting on mine too," I said, "But he's got us over a barrel." "I reckon I should just kick the sh*t out of him," said TJ. "I've told you," I said, "That won't help. If you do that he'll be sure to tell Adrian and Dump all about what we did with Mike." TJ kicked my chair. "Oi, it's not the chair's fault," I said. "I'm just f*cked off with him making mugs out of us," said TJ, "There's got to be something we can do. The only other person who knows about all this and who might have been able to help is Millie and she's buggered off." "She hasn't buggered off," I said, "She's gone to find Mike. She'll be back in a few days." "Can't we send Benjamin away like we did with Mike?" asked TJ. "That's not going to work," I said, "We aren't the bosses of Dumpville. If we tell him to leave he'll just tell us to get lost." "Let's call his bluff," said TJ, "If we tell him we're not going to do any more of his skivvying and he says he's going to tell Adrian and Dump what he saw us doing, we can just say that he's lying and that there's no proof. It'll be his word against ours." I could see where TJ was coming from but it seemed a bit risky. "Let's just leave things as they are for now," I said, "It's not great but we can put up with it." "Put up with it?!" yelled TJ, "If I have to empty any more of his sh*t I think I'm going to go mad."

Later on in Triton's, I saw Esther at the bar and approached her. "Esther," I said, "Can you please sort my Auntie Meryl out with a heater that works? That one you've given her is faulty." "There's nothing wrong with those heaters," said Esther, "In fact. . . " I quickly interrupted Esther. "Look," I said, "I don't want to have a long drawn out conversation about it. Just get her a fully functioning heater, OK?" "Well there's some other forms that need filling in," said Esther, "There's a request for replacement form and a request for repair form." "Is there a request for a maintenance manager who's not such a jobsworth, bureaucratic, inflexible, stubborn, obstinate, uncooperative, unhelpful arsehole, form? I'll happily fill one of them in," I said. Esther frowned. "I'm not going to continue this conversation if you're going to be rude and childish and make personal remarks," she said. "For crying out loud!" I exclaimed, "All I want is a heater for my Auntie Meryl. I bet man discovered fire quicker than this." "Come and see me tomorrow," said Esther, "And we'll sort it out." "I came to see you today, but you were out," I said, "Where were you? Out and about stopping pensioners from getting warm?" "If you must know I was with Mr. Dump." I frowned with concern and curiosity. "What were you with him for?" I asked. "I can't say right now," said Esther with a smile on her face, "All I can say is that he wanted to see me. I can't say what about, but all we be revealed in time." This was very interesting. Why would Dump want to see Esther? Something's going on.

At the other side of the bar I saw TJ chatting to Destiny. I walked over and joined them for a drink, which I instantly regretted. "Hi Lee," said Destiny. "It's Luke," I said. "What's Luke?" she asked. "My name," I said. "Oh, I thought it was Lee," said Destiny. "No, it's Luke," I said, "I only have the one name." "I've had a few names in my time," said Destiny, "My real name's Dorothy and my maiden name was Plop but I never liked the name Dorothy and to get on in the glamour modelling business you have to have a glamorous name. "So," I said, "You went from Dorothy Plop, to Destiny Dump?" Destiny nodded. "Yeah," I said, sarcastically, "Very glamorous." "Do you think this end of the world thingy is going to last for a long time?" asked Destiny. "Probably," I said, "That's why they call it the end of the world." Destiny grabbed hold of her breasts. "It's just that I had my boobs done last year," said Destiny, "And I think I'm ready to go a size bigger." TJ leaned towards me and whispered in my ear "My c*ck's getting a size bigger." "I wanted to get on to Big Brother," said Destiny, "That's why I got them done in the first place. I auditioned for Big Brother you know?" "Which one?" I asked. "All of them," said Destiny, "I audition, like, every year. I got down to the last one hundred last time." This dumb vacuous airhead was getting on my nerves so I made my excuses and left.

I hope tomorrow we can sort out the heater debacle and I hope Benjamin doesn't have anything too terrible planned for me. I've been thinking about Millie and also about Mike. Whether they're together or not I hope they're both alright out there.