Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 355: Wednesday 16th August 2017 22:38

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Day 355
Wednesday 16th August 2017 22:38

Bit of an embarrassing day.

Matt and the gay guys directly asked me, Courtney and Mike if we'd go out and bring back some food. "Well, Daz might come back," I said, again lying through my teeth. "I think we have to accept that he's not coming back," said Matt, "And while that's really sad, we all still need to eat." "What makes you think that WE'LL come back?" asked Mike. "You're survivors," said Matt, "You've been surviving out there for ages. Plus you're fighters. We're more like lovers than fighters." "Look we'd like to help," I said, "But we can't do anything until we unblock your entrance." "There's a gay joke there somewhere," said Courtney. "I thought Matt unblocked his entrance when he pulled that dildo out of his arse yesterday," said Mike. "There we go," said Courtney. "Look," I said, "We're surrounded by infected; hundreds of them. There's nothing we can do." "Well me and the boys will have a think about how we can get the infected out of the way and get back to you," said Matt.

I had a brief chat with Courtney and asked her what she said to TJ yesterday. "We had a chat," said Courtney, "But he's p*ssed off with you. I'd avoid him if I were in your shoes." "Me!?" I exclaimed, "What have I done?" "Well after out little chat yesterday I said some things that made it obvious you've been talking about him," said Courtney, "I told him I knew all about his history with him and his Dad and Mike and his sister Kay. I told him I knew about Destiny and he said he wasn't happy that you've been talking to me about him behind his back telling me everything." "For God's sake," I said, "He's been a bit touchy isn't he? Everyone knows about all that. It's hardly a secret. Anyway he's said a lot worse about me." "He thinks you've been playing mind games with him," said Courtney, "Using me to get him to open up and make him feel like less of a man. He says you screwed him over." "The man's an idiot," I said, "I'll have a word with him." "I really wouldn't if I were you," said Courtney, "Just stay away from him until he's calmed down."

Later in the day a lot of the gay guys were in the communal area telling rude jokes and comparing sexual partners and discussing sexual techniques to use in the bedroom, or in Matt's case - the sauna sling. I went into the steam room, which wasn't working but still a bit warm, to get some peace and quiet. I took off my clothes, placed a towel around my waist and laid back on the wooden seating. I closed my eyes and for a few moments the feeling of calm and serenity was lovely. It didn't last. I heard the door to the steam room open and a second or so later I smelt a manly, sweaty stench. I opened my eyes, turned left and saw Panda - the biggest, hairiest, sweatiest fifty year old, tattooed man I've ever seen - sat inappropriately close to me wearing nothing but a towel and a very creepy smile. "Oh, hi Panda," I said with a slight cringe as I slowly shuffled along the seating. "Just come to get a bit of peace and quiet have you?" I nervously asked. Panda smiled and nodded his head as he shuffled along the seating following me.  "Do you know I think my Mum used to have a bench made from this sort of wood," I said, feeling slightly anxious. Panda was getting intimidatingly close. "I think she got it from B&Q," I continued, "Summer sale. Do you know I've gone really hot all of a sudden. I might go now." Panda put his big heavy hand on my left thigh making it impossible for me to leave. "I like you," he said. This was the first time I'd ever heard him speak. He had a very deep and manly voice. "Aaaaw, well that's really sweet Panda," I said, "But you're not really my type." "Do you think I'm ugly?" asked Panda with a sad face. "Oh no, not all," I said. "Do you think I'm pretty?" asked Panda with a cheery smile. "Well I think you are a fine specimen of a man," I said. "I used to work on a farm plucking birds," said Panda, "Chickens, ducks, cockerels, hens, turkeys; pheasants." "So you were a pheasant plucker," I said, turning my head to look away, "There's a joke in there somewhere." I turned my head back round and Panda was less than an inch away from my face. I jumped back and banged my head but tried to act cool about it. "Do you know I think I need a drink of water," I said. "Do you want to look at my c*ck?" asked Panda. "No thanks," I said, "I've got my own to look at." "I thought yours was small," said Panda. "Actually," I snapped, "It's not that small and anyone who says it is, is a sh*t stirring liar." "Can I have a look?" asked Panda. "No you can't," I firmly said, "Please, Panda I just want to go." "You think I'm fat and ugly don't you?" said Panda with another sad expression. "No of course not," I said. "I love you," said Panda, "I want to have a man meat sandwich with you. I've got the filing and you've got the buns." "Well they're not the sort of sandwiches I like," I said with a slight tremor in my voice. "I used to be straight," said Panda. "Did you?" I asked, slowly moving away from the big muscular homosexual. Panda showed me the tattoos on both of his arms. His left arm had tattoos of various farm yard birds and his right arm had tattoos of various women's faces. "These are the birds I've plucked and these are the birds I've f*cked," said Panda. "No tattoos of men?" I asked. "I've not been out of the closet that long," said Panda, leaning in even closer to me. "Will you be my boyfriend?" he asked. Panda was now cringeworthingly close and puckering up. I quickly jumped to my feet and threw myself towards the other side of the steam room. "Sorry Panda," I said, "I just can't do this." "Why not?" asked Panda, "You don't have a boyfriend." "I do," I said, not thinking and feeling surprised at all the lies and cr*p that were falling out of my mouth, "TJ's my boyfriend. He just doesn't want anyone to know. He's only just come out of the closet too. He's really struggling with being gay and that's why we've been pretending to be friends. Actually, you know when you've seen us arguing? Well we're arguing about him not telling people we're a couple." "TJ's your boyfriend?" asked a sad Panda. "He is," I said, "And he gets very jealous. If he knows you've been coming on to me he'll be furious, so let's just forget this ever happened and go back to being friends, yeah?" I held my hand out to give the disappointed Panda a handshake. "I hope he'll love you as much as I would have done," he said. Panda grabbed hold of my hand, pulled me towards him and gave me a MASSIVE bear hug. The rubbery feel of his man boobs and the stench of man sweat was unbearable as I continued to be suffocated in his forest of man hair.

I left the steam room thinking, how the Hell am I going to get myself out of this one? I couldn't tell TJ what I'd done as he was already in a mood with me and if I told Mike he'd probably get all weird and jealous. I got dressed and told Courtney what I'd said. I know she's fifteen but she IS mature for her age. That's what I thought anyway. When I told her what I'd said she burst into uncontrollable laughter. I told her it wasn't funny and that we needed to get out of here fast. "We can't," giggled Courtney, "There's infected everywhere. You know that." "Well I need you to help me make sure Panda and TJ don't talk to each other," I said, "God knows what Panda and TJ will do if they find out about this lie." "No way," said Courtney, "Don't get me involved. This is your gay drama so get yourself out of it." Great, I thought to myself, annoyed, so much for support and solidarity. Unfortunately things got even more awkward later on.

Mike, Courtney and I were sat with Matt, Panda and the other gay guys eating crisps in the communal area.  From the looks Matt and the other gay guys were giving me it was obvious that Panda had told them what I'd told him about me and TJ. We were talking about how we can't keep living on crisps and that it would be great to get some hot food.

A few moments later TJ appeared. He looked angry. This was the first time I'd seen him all day. "Well you worked me didn't you, you little f*cker!" TJ announced in front of everyone, directing his frustration towards me. "What?" I said, with a mouth full of prawn cocktail crisps. "You know what I'm talking about," snapped TJ, "You screwed me good and hard didn't you!?" I could see the shocked yet delighted looks on Matt's and the other gay guy's faces. It all came across like TJ was protesting about some sort of unwanted sexual contact between us, which was unfortunate considering what I'd told Panda earlier. "TJ," I said, "Maybe we should go somewhere else and talk about this?" "No," snapped an angry TJ, determined to make a scene, "I want everyone here to know how manipulative you are." TJ looked at Matt and the others and continued to point towards me. "This son of a b*tch here as f*cked me good and proper," said TJ, "He makes out he's a nice guy, he makes out he's a friend, he makes out he cares, when really all he wants is for me to open up so he can make me feel like less of a man." Courtney was giggling and trying to control herself. Everything TJ was saying wasn't helping. Mike looked confused as Matt and the others looked elated. "All this guy wants to do is embarrass me, hurt me, degrade me and humiliate me," snapped TJ, "As long as he feels good that's all he cares about. Never mind me laid bare with everything on display and feeling like less of a man. Luke, you keep telling me to open my mouth but sometimes I want to keep my mouth closed. Why do you have to keep pressuring me? Oh and yesterday, you were really hard on me. In fact you were too hard on my ass and I think you should say sorry, especially as Courtney was there." Matt, Panda and the other gay guys looked shocked. I quietly said sorry.  "Courtney was there!?" said a shocked Matt. "Oh yeah," said TJ, "He can't get me to open up on my own so he uses a 15 year old girl to help him. How sick is that!? You'd better stop playing games with me Nanna. I can't tell you what's going through my head right now and I REALLY can't even begin to tell you what I want to do to your arse." Courtney gave a loud laugh. TJ gave her a confused look. He had no idea that everything he was saying sounded like he was complaining about some sort of weird sexual stuff that went on between us. This was terrible timing! "What's she laughing for?" TJ said, pointing at Courtney, "Does everyone find my discomfort funny?" Courtney continued laughing and TJ walked off. The gay guys looked at me with shocked expressions. "That sounded really bad," I said to them, "But it's all out of context." "You dirty Nanna," said Matt with a big smile on his face, "You're clearly not as shy as I first thought. In fact it sound like you're a proper dirty b*tch." There was a short pause as Courtney tried to control her laughter. "What just happened?" asked Mike, "I'm confused." "Don't worry Mike," I said, "TJ's just in a mood about something. I'll sort it out."

What an annoying day. I had no idea TJ would open his big mouth like he did and give Matt and the others the impression that we've been having hardcore gay sex involving Courtney. I just need to make sure Mike doesn't find anything out. I don't think I've got the patience to handle him as well as everything else. The good thing is that Panda had left me alone because he thinks TJ and I are together. The other good news is that Matt has found some fireworks in the storage cupboard. God knows why there were a few fireworks in a gay sauna but the good news is we can use them to try and clear the infected outside.