Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 251: Thursday 4th May 2017 21:17

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Day 251
Thursday 4th May 2017 21:17

I'm still in Dumpville. Phew!

Dump came to see me this morning and said that Mary had explained everything. I've never wanted to kiss Mary so much. He said that he could see how I was trying to do the right thing and that he was disappointed for me that it didn't work out well. "If my wife hadn't have changed your note and if the kids hadn't have hid in the cupboard, then none of this wouldn't have happened," he said. "Yes!" I loudly said, sounding excited and relieved, "That's exactly right." "I really don't think I've met anyone who is as unlucky as you are," said Dump. "So I'm not going to be chucked out?" I asked. "No," said Dump, "But I would keep a low profile for a couple of days if I were you. Don't go to work and stay away from any parents. I'll be speaking to everyone discreetly today and tomorrow to once again try and smooth things over." "Thanks Ronald," I said, "I really appreciate it." I hated feeling like I had to grovel and be so sickeningly grateful to Dump. He said he's removed the armed soldiers but that I should still be cautious. He said that I could now have visitors too. "I suppose you'll be wanting to see Naomi won't you?" Dump said with a pervy smile. I frowned with confusion. "Oh come on, Luke," Dump said, "I've figured it out. Naomi's the one that you're porking. That's why you wanted to see her yesterday." "Oh God," I said, "No. It's not her. Naomi's not interested in me. We're just mates." "Oh," said Dump, "Well I guess the mystery continues. If it had been Naomi, I'd have been surprised. Similar to Esther; a fit bit of skirt like that would be more interested in a strong masculine man, someone like Sergeant Reed or me, not a lanky nobody like you." Dump started laughing. "No offence," he said. Quite a lot taken, I thought to myself. I didn't say anything, but I wanted to. The big citrus fruit shaped sh*t head! "Whoever it is that you're boning, just make sure she knows you're the man and she's the woman. You need to keep 'em in check like I do with Destiny." Dump told me that there was no need for me to apologise to Destiny and that he understands it was a particularly stressful situation. "Destiny is prepared to forget about it, if you are," said Dump. Fine by me.

I stayed in the house all day and I had a few visitors. Most of whom made me feel like sh*t. Mary turned up and said that she was tied to a chair yesterday by a bunch of nine year olds and that it was all my fault. I told her I was sorry but that I didn't think it was that much of a big deal. "Come on," I said, "Didn't you play games when you were a kid where you tied your mates up? Just for fun. Playing games and all that." "Those kids have never tied me up," said Mary, "They are always very respectful but after you made that stupid suggestion to Lilly yesterday they all became unruly." "Well I'm sorry," I said, "That wasn't my intention." "I just wish you'd engage your brain before you opened your mouth," said Mary, "I've lost count of the number of times you've gotten yourself in trouble." I thanked Mary for clearing things up with Dump and telling him that I had no intention of abusing children. "If it wasn't for you, I'd probably been chucked out of here by now," I said, "I suppose I have a lot to thank you for." "Yes, I suppose you do," said Mary, "You're a lot of things, Luke; stupid, thoughtless, irrational, insecure; impetuous, a moaner, a whinger." I interrupted Mary. "Yeah, OK," I said, "I get the message." "But you're not a risk to children," she said, "I remember what you were like with Robbie." Mary and I smiled fondly. She eventually said she was going to leave me alone for a while and encouraged me to stay out of trouble. Good advice.

Mia, Trudy and Troy came to see me. Mia gave me a big hug and said she was glad I wasn't going to be chucked out. "Can we just get one thing clear once and for all?" said Trudy, "Are you a massive paedo or not because I'm totally confused." "No, I'm not," I firmly said, "Dump's going to sort it all out." "Well I wasn't too sure," said Troy, "I once read that most paedos are middle aged,  balding, overweight, unattractive men that struggle to maintain other long term loving relationships, so you definitely fit the stereotype." "Thanks, Troy," I bluntly said. "Is a stereotype a type of stereo?" asked Mia, "Like a HiFi or something?" We ignored Mia and carried on talking. "So you're not a paedo?" asked Trudy. "Of course I'm not," I said, "I can't believe you're even asking me." "Well I'm due to give birth in about seven weeks," said Trudy, "I don't want to be spitting out a sprog if there's a load of paedos around." "Well there's about 200 people that live here," I said, "One of them could be a paedo." "Oh God," said Mia, "You think that someone here could be a child abuser?" "Well you never know," I said, "One of us could be and let's remember what Debra said when she arrived. She was angry at one of us wasn't she?" "What's that got to do with paedos?" asked Trudy, "She could have been angry with someone for another reason. She never said anything about paedos." "Forget it," I said, feeling impatient, "Anyway I'm OK, so now you've come round here and called me fat and bald and checked that I'm not a paedo, you can go."

TJ turned up later on and he had a huge grin on his face. I refused to let him in. "If you've just come round here to take the p*ss, you can f*ck off," I said. "Of course I've come to take the p*ss," said TJ, "This is comedy gold. You sent all the parents a note saying you wanted to f*ck their kids." "Actually," I said, "It was that dumb, emptied headed object of your affections that sent the notes out – after she'd amended them. Dizzy b*tch." "Well why didn't you check the notes before you sent them out?" asked TJ. "I didn't think for a second the thick cow would change any of the text," I said, "Anyway, I've told you, I didn't send them out, Destiny did." "So what were you doing with a load of naked kiddies in the cupboard?" asked TJ, "Comparing c*ck sizes? I bet a nine year old boy's got a bigger c*ck than you. I bet a nine year old girl's got a bigger c*ck than you." "You know full well that I'm not a child abuser," I said to TJ, "You wouldn't be round here laughing about it otherwise. If you really thought I was a paedo, you'd be round here knocking my head off or avoiding me." TJ went quiet. I think he knew I had a point. "Maybe you should think about your child that's going to be born in a few weeks," I said, "We don't have a Doctor and the only person who can help out a little bit is Mary. You need to be focusing on that, not coming round here to take the p*ss out of me." "I'm not a Doctor or a midwife am I?" said TJ, "What do you expect me to do?" "Well you might think I have a small c*ck," I said, "But I think you have an even smaller brain but maybe you could use your very small brain to speak to the soldiers and ask them to search hospitals and any NHS buildings to see if they can find any medically qualified people." TJ's face changed. It was as if he knew I had come up with a good idea. "Think about it," I said, "If Trudy goes into labour, the only person that can help is Mary. Now I'm sure Mary will do her best but there's more chance of Trudy and the baby surviving if we've got someone here who knows what they're doing." TJ left and it was clear from the expression on his face that I'd given him something to think about.

My last visitors of the day were Naomi and Amelia. Naomi gave me a hug and told me that I needed someone to be stuck to me twenty-four hours a day who screens everything I say and everything I do before I actually say it and do it. I could see her point. Naomi said she's getting close to Debra. "Sometimes she's really emotional and then other times she's really tense," said Naomi, "I mean it's bad enough that someone abused her son but then to have to live with his death and also the fact that his abuser is round here somewhere is even worse." I asked Naomi who the abuser was but she doesn't know. "Debra promised Dump she wouldn't say anything," said Naomi, "I keep fishing for information but she's not stupid. The more I keep digging, the angrier she gets. I have to be careful."

I just think this whole thing is getting ridiculous and it's been going on for far too long now. Someone in Dumpville is a paedophile and I think we all have a right to know. Part of me wants to go up to Dump and tell him to make Debra tell us who the paedophile is but after recent events and the fact that he's currently smoothing things over with everyone regarding yesterday's embarrassing misunderstanding, I need to keep him on side and not do anything to p*ss him off. Maybe Naomi could challenge him . . . ?