Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 212: Sunday 26th March 2017 22:41

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Day 212
Sunday 26th March 2017 22:41

A very awkward and cringe worthy day which included some interesting news and an uncomfortable and stomach churning conversation with Tina.

I was at work listening to Auntie Meryl complaining that her heater still hadn't arrived. I rolled my eyes in frustration, thinking how this matter was getting very boring and annoying. I told Auntie Meryl that I'd filled in the correct paperwork and handed it to Esther so I couldn't understand why she hadn't been issued with a heater. "Well I'm bl**dy fed up of this," she said, "All I want is a bit of extra heat. You'd think I was asking for the Taj Mahal the way you lot are carrying on." "Don't be silly," I said, "No one thinks you're asking for the Taj Mahal. All you want is a heating appliance not a famous landmark from India." "India?" questioned Auntie Meryl, "What you going on about India for?" "The Taj Mahal," I said, "That big well known Indian landmark." "Not that Taj Mahal," said Auntie Meryl, "I'm on about the old Indian takeaway that used to be at the end of our road. Lovely poppadum's they used to do." "I will have a word with Esther and get this sorted," I said, "It shouldn't be this hard to get you a little heater." "I know," said Auntie Meryl, "The way you lot are p*ssing about I'd have more chance of finding rocking horse sh*t in my living room than a heater." I had no idea why Auntie Meryl hadn't been given a heater but this, along with the fact that I was still skivvying for Benjamin, meant I was in a right mood and Esther, who was really starting to p*ss me off, was going to get the brunt of it.

I stood up, vigorously left my office and stormed into Esther's. "What do you think you're doing?!" she loudly said, "You can't keep barging into my office, there's a door there for a reason you know." "Yes," I said, "The reason is so that I can walk through it and tell you what a knob you're being." "I beg your pardon?!" exclaimed Esther. "I said, 'The reason is so that I can walk through it and tell you what a knob you're being!'" I repeated, louder. "What the Hell is your problem now?" said Esther, "You're always moaning about something." "I am where you're concerned," I said, "I filled out your sh*tty paperwork and my Auntie is STILL waiting for her heater." Esther produced said piece of paper and placed it on her desk. "There's the form you filled in," she said, "Why don't you take a look at it?" I aggressively picked up the form and had a look. Esther seemed to be implying I'd filled something in wrongly. "What's the problem?" I asked. "Can't you see the very obvious mistake in front of your eyes?" asked Esther. "The only evidence of an obvious mistake in front of my eyes, is you being sat in that chair instead of being left as a squirt in a condom." "Oh that's pathetic," said Esther, "You really need to grow up." "No, you need to grow up!" I snapped, "All I want is a heater, not a f*cking bank loan. I'm surprised you haven't made me provide you with references and a security deposit and some sort of insurance agreement against my chalet. Maybe you'd like blood? How about that, a pint of blood in exchange for a heater? You'd probably like that wouldn't you, draining the life out of me? You blood sucking vampire!" Esther grabbed the form and waved it under my nose. "You've put the wrong date on it you idiot!" she shouted. I snatched the paper back from Esther. It seemed I had in fact scribbled the 24th instead of the 25th. My irritation suddenly increased and I gave Esther an angry and outraged look. "Are you f*cking kidding?!" I yelled, "All this drama because I got the date wrong – out by one day." "It's got to be filled in correctly," said Esther. "Oooooh," I said sarcastically, "I'm deeply sorry. How careless of me. Is everything else on the form OK? Is my signature aligned perfectly with the date? Is this tick, here, placed exactly in the centre of the tick box? Look, I think Auntie Meryl's name goes just over the line, you'd better give me another form; we need to make sure it's FILLED IN PROPERLY!" "Just change the date!" shouted Esther. "Why didn't you just change the date?!" I shouted back. "It's not my form!" Esther yelled. "Oh for f*ck's sake!" I screamed. I slammed the paper down on the desk and over the original date, I scribbled 25th March. "There!" I said. Esther looked down. "That's the wrong date," she said, "It's the 26th today." This was getting to be a massive p*ss take at this point. I picked up the piece of paper, screwed into a ball and threw it across the room. "Do you know what?" I said, "I think I'll reinvent the internet, build a computer and go online and learn how to make a little heater, myself, from scratch. It'll be quicker and easier and less painful than going through all this sh*t with you on a daily basis."