Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 357: Friday 18th August 2017 23:26

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Day 357
Friday 18th August 2017 23:26

I've spent most of the day feeling really annoyed.

When I woke up this morning I was shocked and frustrated to discover that Mike and TJ had taken the jeep and gone off. I heard the engine starting, frowned with curiosity, jumped out of bed and walked over to the window. That's when I noticed TJ and Mike driving off in the jeep. I wasn't happy!

"Where the f*ck are those two going?" I snapped as I stormed into the living room. "Who?" asked Auntie Meryl, not paying much attention as she read one of her old magazines. "TJ and Mike!" I loudly said. "Who are they?" asked Auntie Meryl. "TJ and Mike!" I cried, "The two guys you've been LOOKING at for God knows how long!" Auntie Meryl looked confused. "Ant and Dec?" said Auntie Meryl, referencing the picture in her magazine. "No!" I loudly exclaimed, "Not bl**dy Ant and Dec. TJ and Mike." "Who are they?" she asked. "The two guys you've been living with," I said sounding annoyed. "I haven't been living with Ant and Dec," said Auntie Meryl. "No!" I cried, "TJ and Mike!" "Oh I don't bl**dy know," said Auntie, "There's that many people that come in and out of here, I can't keep track? It's like a bl**dy dogs home for waifs and strays in here. There were a load of fellas in here yesterday covered in blood. God knows who they were. I haven't got the foggiest idea where they've gone." "That was me, Mike and TJ!" I exclaimed, "You know who TJ and Mike are! Primark and Aldi are Mike's nephews and TJ's kids." "Who are whose kids?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Primark and Aldi!" I yelled. "Why are you shouting?" said Auntie Meryl, "If you want to go to Primark and Aldi then go to bl**dy Primark and Aldi. Get me a pack of fig rolls." "Auntie Meryl," I said, "Just tell me where Mike and TJ have gone?" "I don't know who the bl**dy Hell Mike and Tea Tray are." "Oh for crying out loud," I said. "Oh hang on," said Auntie Meryl, "Is one of them your boyfriend?" "No!" I loudly said. "Is it the one who kissed you or the who peed on you?" asked Auntie Meryl, "I get confused."

Courtney then appeared. "Oh look it's Court Jester," said Auntie Meryl, "Go and talk to her. You're doing my head in." "Her name's Courtney," I said. "Whose names what?" asked Auntie Meryl. I shook my head in despair and turned to Courtney. "Where have they gone?" I asked her. "I think they went to look for your mates," said Courtney. "Well why the Hell have they left me here?" I said in annoyance, "I promised Matt we'd go back and get them some food." "Well they said they needed some time alone," said Courtney, "I think they wanted to have some brotherly bonding time while they went looking for the others." "Well they should have spoken to me," I vented. "Mike said you looked peaceful in bed. He said he didn't want to wake you," said Courtney, "Personally I think it's weird that he's been watching you sleep." "Matt's going to think we've abandoned him," I said, "I promised I'd go back with food." "God just chill-ax," said Courtney, "Do you really think that any of those horny hairy Homos REALLY thought you were going to go back?" "Yes," I exclaimed, "I told them I would." "Yeah but you told them you were gay and that you weren't the sort of bloke who went around killing gay guys," said Courtney, "That was before you turned out to be a straight bloke who killed their mate and was found in a cabin with the dead body of one of their other mates. There's no way they thought you were coming back." "Look," I said, "I promised Matt I'd go back with food, so I'm going back with food." "What you gonna do?" said Courtney, "Walk?" "I'll wait for the Brothers Grimm to come back," I said, "Give them a piece of my mind, take the jeep and then go."

In the afternoon I was stood outside getting some fresh air when Troy came up to me. "So I hear your new nickname is Nanna," he said. "For God's sake," I said. "Why Nanna?" asked Troy, "Is it because you've got just as many wrinkles as a pensioner?" "I don't have wrinkles," I said. "Oh sweetie you do," said Troy, "It's OK though. It's stress. If I looked in the mirror and realised what a mess I'd made of my life and saw that horrendous reflection looking back at me, I'd have wrinkles like you too." "Yeah," I sarcastically said, "Because a gay guy marrying a woman isn't making a mess of things at all is it?" "Don't be a hater, Nanna," said Troy, "We've all made mistakes. A bit like that top you've got on now. It's so 1995." "Oh Troy, just p*ss off and leave me alone," I said, "I'm in a bad mood." "Well I can tell you're not a happy chappy," said Troy, "Every time you frown you get this little vein popping out of your forehead and all of the blackheads on your nose start pulsating as if they've all got a heart beat. God, they really stand out. Oh, and you sweat a lot. In fact you stink. I can smell you now." "Yes thank you!" I loudly said, "I don't need you to point out all of my imperfections." "Oh sweetie," said Troy, "They weren't ALL of your imperfections. They were just a few. I don't have time to list all of your ghastly disfigurements. I'm going to die in about seventy five years." "You'll be dead a lot sooner than that," I said, "If you don't shut up."

I then turned round and saw something I didn't expect to see. I took a step back feeling a bit startled. I looked ahead and saw what appeared to be some sort of jet black mini helicopter with cameras attached to it hovering in the air. I maintained my fixated gaze and resumed glued to the spot feeling cautious, anxious and intrigued. "What is it?" asked a curious and flabbergasted Troy. "I don't know," I said, pointing at it, "Those things look like cameras." I slowly reached out to touch the strange floating object but Troy told me not to. "No!" he shrieked, "It might be a bomb." "Don't worry," I said, "I'll be alright." "I'm not worried about you," said Troy, taking a few steps back, "I'm worried about me. If that thing goes bang I don't want bits of your icky brain and saggy skin exploding all over me." The hovering object then quickly flew off and I mean quickly! It zoomed off into the air and disappeared into the distance in seconds. "What WAS that?" said Troy. I turned round and gave Troy a serious look. "I think we're being watched," I said with a tone of concern. "Ooooh, do you think we'll be on TV?" asked an exited Troy, "Maybe it's the apocalyptic version of Big Brother. You are live on Channel Four, please do not swear. I'd fabulous in Big Brother. I'd so be the first one to have sex."

Ignoring Troy I returned inside and spoke to Courtney and Auntie Meryl. Troy quickly joined. "There's something out there," I said. "Well there's bound to be something out there," says Courtney, "The entire world doesn't exist just inside this pub." "It was like some weird helicopter drone thing," I said. "You seeing things again?" asked Auntie Meryl, "It's like when you saw that weird dark figure that you said was following you." "I did see a dark figure that was following me," I firmly said. "I think you've spent too much time in that gay sauna place," said Auntie Meryl, "It's done something to your brain. It's like when my friend Betty Crack started hanging around the Conservative Club. I told her that she'd end up turning from Labour but she insisted she wouldn't. Anyway after a few sherries and a couple of games of bingo in there, she went in loving Harold Heath and came out singing Alec Douglas Home." "God, this has got nothing to do with me being in the sauna," I said, "I'm telling you, there was some weird hovering machine out there. I think someone's watching us." "It was probably some kid's toy," said Courtney, "Just child out Nanna." "If it was a kid's toy, then who's controlling it?" I asked, "It looked more advanced than a kid's toy helicopter. It had cameras and stuff on. Troy tell them." "He's right," said Troy, "It did have cameras on it. I could see the reflection bouncing off his bald patch." Courtney giggled. "Very funny," I bluntly said, "Now what are we going to do about it?" "About what?" asked Auntie Meryl. "The drone thing!" I loudly exclaimed. "What bl**dy drone thing?" said Auntie Meryl, "What are you going on about now?" "I've just f*cking told you!" I shouted. "Oi," said Auntie Meryl, pointing her disapproving finger at me, "Don't you raise your voice and swear at me or I'll put you across my knee and slap your arse so hard I'll rupture your stomach." Troy and Courtney threw me a taunting smirk indicating that I'd been properly told off. I took a deep breath and thought I'd try again. "Auntie Meryl," I said, "There was a flying thing in the sky just now looking right at me. Whatever it was, it was watching me. Do you believe me?" "Yes of course I do," said Auntie Meryl. "You do?" I said looking confused. "Of course I do," said Auntie Meryl, "The birds need something to look at don't they."  "It wasn't a bird!" I loudly said, "It was a . . . oh, do you know what. Forget it. Just forget it. I'm going to go into my room, look in the mirror and talk to myself." "Don't stare for too long," said Troy, giggling, "You might break the glass or turn into stone." I gave Troy a very unimpressed look and he quickly shut up.

It's getting late now and Mike and TJ still aren't back. I'm not too worried. They can both handle themselves. They've probably run into a bit of trouble and have taken shelter somewhere. God, I'm p*ssed off. I'm p*ssed off that the bl**dy Kray twins have gone off with the jeep and I'm p*ssed off that no one seems bothered about the weird camera drone thing. Auntie Meryl's just being Auntie Meryl and Troy is being his usual annoying self. Courtney asked me what I thought I saw. "I don't THINK I saw something, I KNOW I saw something," I said. Courtney seemed a bit more interested than Auntie Meryl and Troy.

I'm starting to feel more cautious than usual and also a bit creeped out. First of all there's this mysterious dark figure following me about and now there's this weird hovering helicopter drone thing with cameras. What the f*ck is going on!?