Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 220: Monday 3rd April 2017 21:28

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Day 220
Monday 3rd April 2017 21:28

Esther is an absolute b*tch!

The day was rather nice and uneventful until Esther started mouthing off.

I was in the kid's club helping Hairy Mary, who was in the middle of organising a little birthday party for one of the kids. She'd done a really good job. There were balloons, banners, toys, games and a brilliant party buffet. She'd organised a pinata and there wasn't an ounce of religion mention or displayed. I told Mary that she'd done a great job organising the party and she said that she liked being surrounded by happy children. "This is what life was like before the outbreak," she said, "It's nice to finally get back to normal. Thanks for helping me." "Not a problem," I said. One of the young kids then ran up to me. "How old are you?" he asked. "Well I'm a grown up," I said, "So I'm older than you. How old do you think I am?" "Fifty!" said the young lad with enthusiasm. My face dropped and I looked very serious. Mary gave a little giggle. "No," I said with a serious tone, "I'm not fifty. Guess again." "Sixty!" said the young child, with excitement in his voice. "I'm younger than that," I said with a frown. "Forty?" the boy asked. "You're getting close, sweetheart," said Mary. "He's not getting close thank you very much!" I exclaimed. "Go and eat some cookies and fairy cakes" Mary said to the kid, "I'll have a chat with the grumpy old man." The kid went over to the buffet. "Don't be so moody with him, Luke," said Mary, "He's only eight. Even if you told him how old you really were he'd still think you were an old man."

At that moment Esther stormed into the kid's club hut. Mary and I immediately noticed the angry look on her face. "Oh God," I said, "Here we go." "She looks angry," said Mary, "I wonder what's wrong?" "It looks like we're about to find out," I said. Esther marched right up to me with a furious look on her face. "What the Hell is going on?" she angrily asked. "Well, it's called a kid's birthday party," I bluntly replied. "Don't start," snapped Esther, "You know what I'm talking about. Just who the Hell do you think you are?" Mary tried to defuse the situation. "Come on guys," she said, "Let's just stay calm." "I will not be undermined, Luke," said Esther, "Is that clear?" "Undermined?" I questioned, "What are you talking about?" "You know exactly what I'm talking about!" said Esther loudly. Some of the parents and their kids turned and looked at Esther. "OK," said Mary with a firm tone, "That's enough, either keep it down or go outside." I walked over to the buffet and poured myself a drink. Esther followed. "I've been to see your Auntie Meryl and she said that yesterday, someone knocked on her door and that when she answered she found that a heater had been left for her. Not just any heater, the missing heater from the store cupboard." "Hmm," I said, taking a sip of my drink, "What a coincidence." "A coincidence?" said Esther, "Do you think I'm stupid?" "Well, bossy, controlling, dominant, overbearing, a pain in the arse, yes but stupid? No not really." "Luke," said Esther, "It's obvious what happened. You broke into the stores, nicked a heater and left it for your Auntie Meryl." "Oh really?" I said. "Yes really," vented Esther, "You've been going on and on about this bl**dy heater for days and then all of a sudden one is stolen and given to your Auntie. That's more than a coincidence. You can't go around stealing things, Luke. It's against the rules. There are going to be consequences." "Like I said to you yesterday, Esther," I smugly said, "You need to be very careful what you say. Do you have any proof that I committed such a crime?" "Oh come on," said Esther, "Do you think I'm stupid? It was obviously you." "Well, like I said yesterday, that sounds like slander to me," I said, "I think THAT might be against the rules. There are going to be consequences." I took a sip of my drink. "You've crossed a line, Luke," snapped Esther, "You can't just go around breaking into places." Esther flung her arm in the air as she spoke, and knocked my drink, causing juice to be spilt all over my shirt. I slowly looked up and gave Esther an unimpressed look. "That was an accident," she said. "Oh was it?" I asked, "You expect me to believe that? No need to ask if you think I'm stupid?" "Well, yes I do," said Esther, "But that's beside the point. You're a moronic little thief." I frowned, frustrated, poured more juice into my cup and threw it over Esther's top. She gasped and looked angry. "Now that was on purpose," she said. "Oh, yeah," I sarcastically said, "You're right. You're really not stupid are you?" "Oh you pathetic little man," said Esther, "I feel sorry for you." "Oh do you?" I asked. "Yes," said Esther, "An insecure joke of a man who's such a walking disaster not only did he fail to make his marriage work, he failed to complete a simple task like getting his Auntie a heater." "You made it a nightmare for me to get one!" I loudly snapped. The parents and the kids turned and looked again. "Ooh, temper, temper Luke," said Esther with a smug smile on her face "I think you need to calm down." "And you need to shut up," I snapped, "I don't make personal comments about your previous relationships, so don't make personal comments about mine." "You don't know anything about my previous relationships," said Esther. "Oh really?" I said, "Do you think I've forgotten about Matt?" Esther's face dropped and she suddenly looked incredibly serious. "Oh?" I said, "What's up Esther? Hit a nerve did I? Yes I couldn't make my marriage work but you're such a nightmare to be around that the thought of Matt having any permanent ties with you made him trick you into injuring yourself so you lost his baby. Maybe if you weren't such an insufferable, controlling b*tch he might have done things differently." Esther frowned, paused for a moment and then slapped me hard across the face. I slowly turned my head to look at Esther when Mary quickly appeared. "OK," she said, "That's it. You both need to leave." "Stay out of this Mary," snapped Esther, "This is between me and Luke. He's turning a trifle ugly and I don't just mean his face." "Trifle?" I said, "You want to talk about trifles? Here." I picked up the large bowl of trifle from the buffet table and slammed the contents all over Esther's head. Mary and the parents looked horrified and the kids all started laughing. Esther looked enraged as white gooey rivulets ran down her face. "Right," she said, "That's it." Esther picked up a bowl of what I think was some sort of gazpacho and poured the red runny contents all over my head. At this point I think we were both as angry as each other. "Oh please," said a worried looking Mary, "Don't do this here, not in front of the children."