Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 328: Thursday 20th July 2017 21:32

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Day 328
Thursday 20th July 2017 21:32

I've spent most of the day in a car with Dump.

I spoke to Dump today about him giving me driving lessons. Mike was with me as I spoke to him. He went out of his way to make the conversation as awkward as it could be. "So you lock me up, treat me like a common prisoner and now you want my help," said Dump. "Yeah, well, you'll benefit too," I said. "How do you figure that out?" asked Dump. "Well everyone will benefit if more of us can drive," I said, "And it'll be even better if we can all get taught quicker." "I'm struggling to see why I should say yes," said Dump, "You've come to me. I haven't come to you." "Let's go," said Mike, "He's not going to help." "Well I might," said Dump, "But do you agree that you need me a lot more than I need you." "F*ck off," said Mike, "We don't need you. You're locked up in a sh*tty old chalet. You're the one that needs us." "Really?" said Dump with a smug smile on his face, "You're the ones that have come to see me asking me for help." "Are you going to teach me how to drive or what?" I snapped. "Well first of all," said Dump, "I want you to admit that you need me more than I need you." "No way," said Mike. "Fine," I said to Dump, "I need you more than you need me." "F*ck this sh*t," said Mike, "We're not that desperate. Come on Luke, I'll teach you to drive. You don't need to crawl to this orange tw*t." "I've said what you want me to say," I said to Dump, ignoring Mike, "Now are you going to teach me to drive or not?" "I will," said Dump, "But I want you to make me a promise first." "Go on," I cautiously said. "I want a set of car keys," said Dump. "Why do you want a set of car keys?" I asked. "I'm looking after myself," said Dump, "I want to have the option of getting out of here without any hassle so I want to make sure I've got some car keys. So, if you promise me you'll give me a set I promise to teach you how to drive." "Fine," I said, "I promise." "Say it," said Dump, "Tell me exactly what it is you're promising." I sighed and rolled my eyes. "I promise to give you a set of car keys," I said. "And I want you to let me out of here so I can walk around freely," said Dump. "This is a big bag of horse cr*p," said Mike. "Mike, shut up," I said. "Luke, it's not worth it," said Mike, "Just leave the dirty little piggy in here to rot. I can teach you all to drive." "I think Mike would struggle to teach his own ar*e to fart," said Dump. "I'll teach you how to swallow your own tongue if you keep saying sh*t like that," said Mike. "Look," I said to Dump, "If having keys to one of the cars and being able to walk around here means you'll teach me how to drive then that's fine, but I want to start today." "Fine," said Dump, "Off you go. Come back with some car keys, tell me which car it's to and our lesson can begin," said Dump. "Luke, this is a mistake," said Mike, "Why don't you let me just ram a blade in his neck right now." "Mike, will you shut up?" I snapped, "This isn't helping." I looked back at Dump. "I'll be back with some keys to the blue Peugeot. Consider that your car. You need to stay away from TJ and Destiny though." "Fine," said Dump, "I don't want to go anywhere near those two anyway."

I left the chalet and went to get the car keys. "You shouldn't be doing this," Mike said to me, "Everyone wants him locked up. Letting him out just so he can teach you to drive whilst I teach someone else is a big mistake." "I know what I'm doing," I said, "I know what Dump's like. I'm not stupid, Mike." "What do you mean?" asked Mike, "Are you plotting something?" "Never mind," I said, "You just focus on teaching the others to drive and let me worry about Dump." "But I worry about you," Mike said to me in a sympathetic tone. "Well don't worry about me," I said. "You can't say that," said Mike, "That's like asking a person to just stop breathing or stop thinking. How do you do that? How do I stop worrying about you? I'll never stop worrying about you. I'd do anything for you. That's why I peed on you." "Trust me, Mike," I said, "I know what I'm doing."

I handed Dump the car keys and he started giving me driving lessons. As we drove around Dumpville I could see some of the others looking at us with shocked and disapproving looks. "You're not going to be popular are you?" sad Dump, "I can see the evil looks you're getting." "They're looking at me with shock," I said, "The evil looks are for you." "Don't kid yourself," said Dump, "They'll hate you just as much as they hate me. You're hanging around with the man who killed their friend." "Needs must," I said, "They'll understand why." "The looks on their faces don't suggest they understand," said Dump. "Yeah well that's my problem," I said, "I'll worry about them, you just worry about teaching me to drive."

As the lesson continued I asked Dump about what went on with him, the pineapple and the rubber sheep. "The newspapers made it up," he firmly said, "Bl**dy press. Gutter tabloid journalists. They've always had it in for me." "Well you know what the old saying is don't you?" I said, "There's no smoke without fire." "There are many ways of lighting fires," sad Dump. "How many ways are there to shag rubber sheep?" I asked with a slight giggle. "Only very stupid people believe everything they read in the paper," said Dump, "I know you're stupid but I didn't think you were that stupid." Dump carried on telling me how much he hated the media. "Hopefully the journalists that printed that rubbish about me are all dead now," he said. He then carried on throwing insults at me about my failed marriage and having a tiny penis. "At least mine works," I said to him. "There's no point in having a car that works if it's so small no one can see it."

Aside from the insults he kept throwing at me and belittling me every time I did something wrong Dump was a good teacher. I'd never say this to Mike but he was a better teacher than him. I think he enjoyed patronising and talking down to me. Dump explained the biting point to me and I was really excited when I managed to start the car and drive around Dumpville with ease. As we drove down Main Street, we drove past Mike who was teaching Mia how to drive. Mike gave Dump and I a concerned and disapproving look. "They're really not happy with you are they?" Dump said to me. "It's my problem not yours," I said. "It certainly is," said Dump, "I wonder how ditzy Mia's getting on with your mental boyfriend?" "Mia's not ditzy," I said, "She's more intelligent than you realise." "Well she hides it well," said Dump. "And Mike isn't mental and he's not my boyfriend." "He acts like he's your boyfriend," said Dump, "Dirty sodomite." "Shut up you idiot," I said to Dump, "Mike's not gay." The lesson continued. I spent most of the day in the car with Dump. It was very weird but I think I did a good job of managing him. He really annoyed me at one particular point when he said how satisfying it was killing Debra and DeShawn. "That's the trick you see, Luke," said Dump, "If you surround yourself with stupid people, you will always come out on top. DeShawn was very stupid. He thought he was clever but the dumb darkie never saw me coming for him with my shotgun did he?" "Just shut up," I firmly said. "I really enjoyed playing mind games with you all," said Dump with a smirk, "You made it so easy. "I suppose it was easy to hand baby Hank over to that psycho Ian wasn't it?" I said. "I told you," said Dump, "I did that baby a favour. He was going to have a terrible life with those weirdos Luke and Imran. I've said it before and I'll say it again, sacrifice is sometimes necessary." "Oh knock it off with all that sh*t," I said, "It's getting boring." Dump kept insulting me and trying to wind me up and I nearly lost it and bit his head off when he kept talking about killing DeShawn and manipulating Naomi into almost killing Anne, but I kept my cool and ignored him.

Once the lesson was over I told Dump that soon he needed to take the car and leave Dumpville. "Well do you really think I'm going to stick around here watching you make a mess of things?" said Dump. "Whatever," I said, "I think we need one or two more lessons and when I feel confident about driving on my own you can take the keys and sod off." "I might just go now," said Dump, "I've got the car keys remember?" I produced the car keys out of my pocket and dangled them in front of Dump, He looked angry. "I took them out of your pocket when you weren't looking," I said. Dump tried to snatch them from me but I quickly stepped back and put them in my pocket. "You promised me," said Dump. "I know," I said, "And I'll give them back to you as soon as I'm ready to drive on my own." I was really pleased with myself. Dump didn't see or feel me take the keys from him. I feel really pleased with myself.

Maybe this time tomorrow I'll be able to drive without anyone instructing me. Mike asked me what it was like being taught my Dump. To spare his feelings I told him that he was a much better teacher than Dump. Once I feel confident to start driving on my own a few of us can go out, look for Seth and Naomi and bring back some food and supplies.