Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 340: Tuesday 1st August 2017 21:55

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Day 340
Tuesday 1st August 2017 21:55

We went back to the cash n carry today and got a bit more food to keep us all going for a while. Mind you, there's been some memorable moments.

I didn't get the best night's sleep. Partly because of Auntie Meryl snoring like a demented banshee next door and partly because I kept thinking about Naomi. Before Dump died he implied he knew where Naomi was. Was he lying? Was she tied up in Dumpville like Destiny? Was he lying? I just don't know. As I laid in bed struggling to get to sleep, all I knew was that when we went out looking for supplies we had to try and look for her AND the others. I knew this wouldn't be easy though, what with Mike's unpredictability, Troy's uselessness and reluctance, and me still sore from my gunshot injuries. 

When I woke up this morning, gearing myself to go out on a run with Troy and Mike I walked into the kitchen and gasped in disbelief at the peculiar sight in front of me. Mike was sat at the kitchen table with one of the twins using his own nipple to try and breastfeed him. BREASTFEED HIM! "Mike what the f*ck are you doing!?" I loudly exclaimed. "Shush," said Mike, "I've just got them settled, and you shouldn't swear like that. Not in front of little babies." "Mike," I quietly but intensely said, "Are you actually trying to breastfeed that child." "Yeah," Mike said casually. "But you don't have breasts," I said. "Well I've got breast tissue," said Mike, "It's more or less the same isn't it." "I really don't think it is, Mike," I said, "You're not a woman. You're a bloke. You can't produce milk. His Mum should be doing that." "Yeah but she's not here," said Mike, "And I'm a blood relative so I'm the next best thing." "You are NOT the next best thing," I exclaimed, "A bottle is the next best thing." "Come on, Luke," said Mike, "I know we're in a stressful situation but you can't go giving the twins alcohol." "A bottle of milk, not a bottle of booze," I snapped. "Well you know what they said," said Mike, "Breast is best." "But you don't have a f*cking breast!" I loudly snapped. The twins started crying and Mike rolled his eyes. "Now look what you've done," he said. I shook my head in disbelief and left the kitchen as Mike tended to the twins.

As I walked into the living room I saw Auntie Meryl reading her out of date magazines while Troy was doing his hair. "Do those kids ever shut up?" moaned Troy, "Noisy little sh*t machines." "They're babies, Troy," I said, "It's what they do. What's your excuse? Anyway why are you doing your hair?" "Well if I'm going outside I want to look good don't I?" he said, "You might be OK walking around like an old sack of spuds covered in sh*t but some of us want to go out there looking good." "Looking good?" I exclaimed, "You're off out to kill infected and bring back food. It's not a night out." "What was all the commotion about?" asked Auntie Meryl. That's when Mike walked in with the twins. "Ask this guy here. Mary Poppins," I said pointing at Mike, "He's just been in the kitchen trying to breastfeed the twins. That's BREASTFEED!" "Luke, relax," said Mike, "I didn't hurt them. They didn't want my man boob anyway." "I'm not bl**dy surprised," I said, "Mike, men don't breastfeed." "Well I reckon that's sexist," said Mike. "Sexist!?" I exclaimed, "Men don't have breasts! It's weird." "Oh you think everything's weird," said Mike, "You thought it was weird when we showered together." Troy and Auntie Meryl gave me stunned look as their eyes widened in shock at the shower related revelation. "It's not how it sounds," I said, "It was to conserve water." "Yeah, right," said Troy, winking at Auntie Meryl, "We know what's going on don't we?" "Do we?" asked a confused Auntie Meryl. "Nothing's going on," I said. "Yeah, right," said Troy, again winking at Auntie Meryl, "Me and Meryl think you've been playing 'hide the sausage' in shower." "Hide the sausage in the shower?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Why would you go into the shower with a sausage?" "I bet water wasn't the only liquid squirting all over the place in that shower," said Troy, nudging Auntie Meryl and giving her a playful nod, "We know what else you were squirting." "Shower gel?" said Auntie Meryl. "No," said Troy, "I think Mike and Luke have been. . . you know. Playing find the fairy's frankfurter, search for the sizzling savaloy, chase the chunky chipolata, hunt the hairy hotdog." "What's going on in this shower?" asked a stroppy Auntie Meryl, "An international sausage convention?" Troy giggled. "Kind of," he said. "Listen, love," Auntie Meryl say to Troy, "You might think they were in the shower eating sausages together, personally I think they were having a good f*ck." I had a mouthful of water which I suddenly spat out in shock. "Auntie Meryl!" I loudly exclaimed, "Don't say that. I'm not gay. You know I'm not." "Oh of course you are," said Auntie Meryl, "I've accepted it. Just come out of the wardrobe. Everyone's always thought you were gay. My friend Betty Crack did. I remember the day you were born, she looked down at you and said if he's not waving a rainbow flag and singing Judy Garland by the time he's thirty she'd burn her pension book and sell her teeth. Mind you, she knew Rock Hudson was gay before he did, so there you go." "Auntie Meryl, I am NOT gay," I said. "So what are you doing showering with this one here then?" asked Auntie Meryl pointing at Mike. "The shower wasn't working properly," I said, "We were trying to save water." "I was trying to save coupons for a cordless kettle when they first came out but I didn't share a bath with Betty Crack," said Auntie Meryl. "I think you'd both make a cute couple," said Troy, "Mike and Luke. Muke! That's what we should call you. Muke. Aaaw, that's sweet." "Look," I said, "Can we focus on the matter in hand. Mike's been trying to breastfeed the twins." "Well Arnold Schwarzenegger got pregnant," said Auntie Meryl, "Did he breastfeed?" "My God, Auntie Meryl," I said, "That was a film. Jesus! Look, there's no one here that can breastfeed a baby." "I could breastfeed them," said Auntie Meryl. "What?" I said. "You!?" exclaimed Troy giving Auntie Meryl a shocked look. "Well, yeah," said Auntie Meryl, grabbing hold of her breasts, "What do these look like to you?" "A pair of deflated balloons," said Troy with a peculiar look on his face, "You can't get your saggy mammas out. How old are you? A hundred? I mean have you actually met Jesus?" "Betty Crack sat next to Robert Powell on a tram when she visited the States," said Auntie Meryl, "He played Jesus." "Auntie Meryl," I said, "You really can't breastfeed babies." "Why not?" snapped Auntie Meryl. "Because babies won't have powdered milk," said Troy with a b*tchy tone. "Look Auntie Meryl," I said, "It's nice of you to offer but I think we should go out and look for something else a bit more appropriate." "Like, what?" exclaimed Troy, "A massive pair of t*ts?" I told Troy to shut up and we started talking about going to the cash n carry.

With Mike's help, I'd drawn a map of the local area and drew roughly where the car plant was, where we were and where Dumpville was. I told Mike and Troy that when we went out we needed to look everywhere to see if we could find any of the others. Mike was raring to go and Troy clearly didn't want to but I told him to stop sulking and get on with it.

When we drove to the cash n carry the entire building was once again deathly silent. Industrial shelving and large metal racking filled the large warehouse styled building. "This is f*cking freaky," said Troy, "It's like something out of a film." "Well let's not hang about," I said, "Let's just get as much food as we can." I grabbed some shopping trolleys and gave one to Troy and one to Mike. "Just fill these up with as much stuff as you can," I said. Armed with out weapons we walked up and down the aisles and after about twenty minutes we reconvened and compared the goods in our trolleys. "That was actually quite fun," I said to Troy, "It was a bit like Supermarket Sweep. Do you remember that? With Dale Winton? He opened up our local Iceland." I looked at the goods in Troy's trolley in shock and outrage. It was full of useless and self-indulgent items such as a hair dryer, a face pack, coconut oil and countless bottles of hair gel. "What the f*ck is all that?" I said. "Stuff," said Troy, "You said to get stuff." "Stuff we can eat!" I loudly exclaimed, "What are we going to do with a thousand bottles of hair gel. We need food, Troy. Food, not all this cr*p." "Well you didn't specify," said Troy. "Troy, we're living in an apocalypse," I said, "We don't need beauty products. We need dried food, bottled water, tinned food. What are you going to do with a hair dryer? We don't have any electricity. I've filled my trolley with food and useful items, Mike's filled his trolley with stuff for the twins and you've filled your trolley with a load of pampering products. What the f*ck is wrong with you?" "Well if you're dragging me out here into the wilderness I want to make sure I get something out of it," said Troy. "I swear to God, Troy," I said, "Are you trying to p*ss me off on purpose?" "Go and get stuff for all of us," said Mike. "Yeah," I said, "Stop being such a diva and start thinking of all of us not just yourself." "Alright Muke, chill out," said Troy. I made Troy put back all of the self-indulgent pointless crap and collect tinned food and dried food and other useful supplies. The second time he showed me his trolley, it was full of more items that could benefit all of us but there were still some pampering items and beauty products in there. I gave Troy an unimpressed look but he told me that there was no way he was coming into a dusty old warehouse and risking his life without leaving with a few bottles of gel and some face packs. Thankfully we didn't bump into any infected. Troy would have probably been useless if we had.

When we got back Auntie Meryl had got the twins settled and she was impressed with how much we had brought back. She said that next time we go shopping we need to take her club card so she can get the points. I tried to explain that a) it was a cash n carry not a supermarket and that b) nowhere was accepting supermarket club cards in an apocalypse but I don't think I could get through to her. The food will definitely keep us going for a while. I'm gutted we didn't see any sign of Naomi or the others. I really hope that wherever they are they're all OK.