Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 341: Wednesday 2nd August 2017 18:57

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Day 341
Wednesday 2nd August 2017 18:57

What an annoying day. What with Mike's blurred boundaries, Troy's annoying behaviour and b*tchy comments, and Auntie Meryl's frustrating confusion, I've found myself feeling more irritated than usual today.

I woke up earlier than normal. My back was killing me and my bullet wounds were aching a bit more than usual. I suppose it's the stress of going out yesterday and babysitting Mike and Troy. I was sat on a bench in my t shirt and boxers overlooking the beer garden and the kids play area. I was feeling very tired but I smiled to myself thinking that even though a big group of infected could be minutes away from storming the place, the peace and quiet and the scenery of the corn fields opposite was lovely. "This is nice," I said to myself. I sat back, closed my eyes, lifted my head up and the second I did that, I felt a heavy splash of warm water from above hit my face and torso. I remained sat on the bench and didn't move.

A few moments later I stood up, caught sight of my wet self in the window and started sniffing the warm liquid. It was definitely p*ss. Troy then appeared with a bucket in his hand and whistling a cheery camp song. He spotted me immediately and saw I was drenched. "Ooh, morning," he said, "Early bird catches the worms and all that. You've probably had worms haven't you? You're all wet. Has it been raining?" "Troy," I bluntly said, "Have you just been for a p*ss?" "I have indeed," said Troy, "I was peeing like a race horse. I must have drunk a gallon of water yesterday, plus I had a sh*t load of Red Bull too. Gives you wings you know?" "Troy, you've just chucked a bucket full of your p*ss on me!" I snapped, "I'm stood here, covered in your p*ss! And it stinks!" "Well what were you doing sat there?" asked Troy, "That was a bit silly wasn't it. That's where I always throw my pee." "Oh I'm so sorry," I sarcastically said, "How stupid of me. I mean, what an idiot I am thinking I could sit on a bench and enjoy the peace and quiet. This is obviously your p*ss throwing spot. I can't believe I didn't realise that before. Maybe it's the absence of a big sign saying 'Troy's p*ss spot' or maybe it's the fact that IT'S A BENCH!!!" Troy took a step forward with a camp but uncomfortable look on his face. "Luke, sweetie," he said, "You really shouldn't get that angry. You get really bad crow's feet around your eyes." I rolled my eyes. "Oooh, and your second chin makes an unwanted appearance too," said Troy. "Thanks," I bluntly said. "And your forehead gets really really wrinkly," said Troy. "THANK YOU," I loudly said in frustration, "Troy, next time you throw your wee outside, can you please look to see if someone's sat here." "Oooh I don't know," said Troy, "Do you really think I've got the time to be looking out of windows? I think you should find somewhere else to sit." "I think you should find somewhere else to throw your p*ss!" I loudly snapped, "What the f*ck is wrong with you? Look at me. What are you going to do next? Rub your poo all over me? I mean why don't you just throw one of the twin's sh*tty nappies in my face and be done with it." The next thing I knew a poo filled nappy slapped me in the face. "Sorry babes," Mike's voice shouted from above, "I didn't see you there." Mike had changed one of the twin's nappies and discarded a nappy full of faeces out of the window, which slapped me in the face. I slowly removed the used nappy from my face and stood there smothered in baby sh*t and bits of dribbly poo running down my face. It stank! I looked VERY unimpressed. "Well put it this way," said Troy, "At least it covers up your wrinkles."

Mike appeared and was very apologetic for throwing the sh*tty nappy in my face. "Right," I snapped, "Can everyone please just stop throwing buckets of p*ss and sh*tty nappies in my face and LEAVE ME ALONE." "It's OK babes," said Mike, "I'll get you clean." The next thing I knew Mike had stripped me naked at the back of the pub and was pouring buckets of cold water all over me. "Mike what the f*ck are you doing!?" I screamed. "I'm getting you clean," said Mike. "Why the Hell do I have to be completely naked?" I asked. "Well it's just to be safe," said Mike, "Some of that icky stuff might have dribbled down." Mike poured another bucket full of cold water over me. I screamed like a girl. "It's bl**dy cold, Mike!" I screamed. "It's worth it," said Mike, "I'll get some soap and I'll scrub you clean." "Err no thanks," I said, "I can do that." "No there's a bit of poop on your back where your arms can't reach," said Mike, "It's OK I'll do it." What followed was another weirdly intimate lathering down, with Mike scrubbing me clean and soaping me up in places where I really don't think he should have been. He just wouldn't take no for an answer. Once it was over he turned me round and smiled at me. "There you go," he said, "Your body is now as clean as your soul."

When Mike and I returned upstairs to the living room Troy was looking at us with a gleeful and excited expression on his face. "Take that stupid look off your face," I said to Troy. Auntie Meryl, still looking through her old magazine, casually said "Still saying you're not gay?" "I am NOT gay," I said, "Mike was just helping me get clean."  "Hmm," said Auntie Meryl, "Betty Crack once stood in dog dirt but I didn't make her drop her knickers and wash her clean." "I'm not gay, Auntie Meryl," I said, "And neither is Mike." "Yeah whatever, Muke," said Troy.

I told Mike and Troy that we should go back out today and look for Naomi and the others but Troy really wasn't up for it. "F*ck that," he said, "I went out yesterday. If you think I'm doing two days in a row you can kiss my big, bleached, waxed gay arsehole." After much more discussion I reluctantly agreed that we wouldn't go out today but that we'd need to go out tomorrow and search for people.

I don't care what Troy says, tomorrow we are going out and we are looking for Naomi and the others. We can't just stay here, sat on our arses whilst God knows what could be happening to them out there.