Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 379: Saturday 9th September 2017 21:56

https://www.facebook.com/lukesdiary/posts/341564086284571

Day 379
Saturday 9th September 2017 21:56

I nearly died today. In fact I'm lucky to be alive.

In the morning I was speaking to Auntie Meryl in Kwik-Fit. "What's all this palaver that went on yesterday with Court Session or Court Date or whatever that girl's called?" said Auntie. "Her name's Courtney, Auntie Meryl," I said, "She had an argument with Naomi. Don't worry about it." "I'm not worried," said Auntie Meryl, "I've got bigger things to worry about than a pair of girls scrapping – like me sleeping in the back of that tin can." "You've got the back of the van all to yourself," I said, "I know it's not great but you ARE laid on a few duvets." "Oh," said Auntie Meryl sarcastically, "I should count my blessings should I? You might have put a few duvets in there for me to sleep on but if you sprinkle gold dust on top of a bed of sh*t you still end up laying on sh*t." "I'm sorry Auntie Meryl," I said, "But this is the best we've got. We all have to make do." "Make do!" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "Trying to get to sleep in the back of that rusty heap. I mean what sort of a hotel is this?" "What are you on about!?" I loudly exclaimed, "This isn't a hotel." "Well what is it then?" asked Auntie Meryl, "A B&B? I don't reckon much to it. We haven't even been offered breakfast. Me and Betty Crack stayed at a B&B in Bognor Regis once. It didn't have a roof on and all the staff were selling drugs but they made a cracking fry up." "Auntie Meryl, this is a garage," I said. "What?" said a confused Auntie Meryl, "Who runs a B&B from a garage?"

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Mary and Naomi looking like they were getting ready to leave.  I walked over to them and asked what was going on. "I can't just sit around here doing nothing," said Naomi, "I'm going to take the jeep and go out looking for Seth." Courtney then appeared. "Eh? What's going on?" she said, "Are we all off out?" "Hang on," I said, "No one's going anywhere until we've talked this through." "F*ck off," snapped Courtney, "If they're going out to look for her husband then I'm going out to look for Josh and Sophie." "This isn't kid's stuff," Naomi said to Courtney, "We don't need you. We can look for Josh and Sophie without you. You're staying here." "I can do what the f*ck I want!" Courtney snapped at Naomi. "This isn't up for discussion," snapped Naomi, "You're staying here." "P*ss off you ugly old cow," snapped Courtney, "I can do what I want." "I've told you, you're staying putt," said a firm Naomi. Courtney pushed Naomi. "Oh yeah?" said Courtney, "Are you going to make me?" "Do you want another slap?" said Naomi. All of a sudden Auntie Meryl appeared and grabbed hold of Naomi by her right ear and seized Courtney by her left. They both flinched and winced in pain as Auntie Meryl had a firm grip of the warring pair. "Right then you two noisy little cats," she said, "I've had it to my back false teeth with all this fighting. It's like watching Joan Collins and Linda Evans tearing strips off each other. I'm an old woman and it's bad enough that I'm struggling to get to sleep in this dump but when you two start scrapping like you're in Prisoner Cell Block H it gives me a migraine and ruins the peace and quiet. Now if you can't be friends, you just need to stay out of each other's way. I know this B&B isn't exactly the Ritz but if you keep fighting like this they'll chuck us out. Now shape up, or I'll stick my foot so far up your arses you'll both be sucking my toes until New Year." Auntie Meryl then started to walk off. "Oooh, I feel like Mamma Morton in Chicago," she said, "Or Joan Ferguson in Prisoner Cell Bock H." Auntie Meryl walked off leaving a sombre atmosphere. "Look," said Naomi, "Me, Mary and Mike are taking the jeep and we're going to go out and look for the others." "I'm coming too," insisted Courtney, "You can't stop me." "Just hang on Annie Oakley," I said to Courtney, "Let's just talk about this rationally." "Me and Naomi have been talking," said Mary, "We're going to go back to Dumpville and see if the others went back there." "BACK to Dumpville?" I said sounding confused. "Me and TJ drove round the area when we went out before," said Naomi, "But we never went back INSIDE Dumpville. Seth and Mia could be there." "You're mad," I said, "The whole place was filled with infected." "That was ages ago," said Naomi, "They'll have all gone by now." "You hope," I said, "Anyway what about the ACROBAT goons and the flying drones hovering all over the place?" "We've survived this long," said Naomi, "Like Mary said yesterday – if any sh*t goes down we'll just have to deal with it." "Well Josh and Sophie won't be a Dumpville," said Courtney, "We need to look for them too." "Sally was at Dumpville for a bit," said Naomi, "She might have gone back with Amelia . . . err . . . I mean Sophie." "I thought Sally was dead," said Courtney. "Only according to that ACROBAT lot," said Naomi, "And we know what liars they are. Sally could still be alive ad she could have Sophie and they could be at Dumpville." "Right then," said Courtney, "I'm coming with you." Naomi was about to say something but Mary interrupted. "Naomi," she said, "If she wants to come we can't stop her. She's quick on her feet and she knows how to look after herself." There was a short pause. "Fine," snapped Naomi, "But I'm not taking responsibility for her." I looked at Mary and frowned. "Have you told Naomi your plan about copying the map?" Naomi looked up and appeared confused. "What do you mean?" she said. "Yesterday Mary told me that she was going to help you look for Seth for a bit longer but not for too much longer," I said, "She said she was going to make a copy of your map and use it to get to City One in case you wanted to stay here looking for Seth, and SHE wanted to leave." Naomi seemed a bit shocked but her surprised expression then turned into one of apathy. "Well I suppose Seth is MY husband," said Naomi, "I suppose I can understand everyone wanting to leave for City One while I stay here looking him. I'll make a copy of the map when I get back." "It's nothing personal, Naomi," said Mary, "I was going to ask to make a copy of your map, not steal it. I'm not going to leave today. I just think we need to think about how long we spend looking for people when we could all be getting to City One." "Fine, whatever," said Naomi, "Now let's stop chatting, get in the jeep, get to Dumpville and go looking for Seth and the others." I felt compelled to tag along. TJ walked over. "Where are you lot going?" he asked. "Dumpville," I bluntly said. "What are you going there for?" he asked, "The place is a sh*t hole. It will be in ruins." "Not all of it will be," said Naomi, "Seth and the others might be there." "Who's going?" asked TJ. I pointed at the five us and said we were going imminently. "So you're off with Wednesday Adams and Penelope Paedo to go looking for the others?" said TJ. "Mike and Naomi are coming too," I said, "We'll be back later." "Oh yeah," said TJ, "Where have I heard that before?" I grabbed a large ratchet, a steak knife, got in Panda's jeep and left Kwik-Fit with Naomi, Mary, Courtney and Mike.