Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 327: Wednesday 19th July 2017 20:11

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Day 327
Wednesday 19th July 2017 20:11

It looks like I might have to let Dump out of quarantine.

I've spent the whole day being taught how to drive by Mike. I realised that after the discussion I had with everyone about needing to go out and look for some food and supplies, that Mike and Dump are the only people here that can actually drive. There's no way I'm asking Dump for any favours, but Mike, as I'm sure you can imagine was only too happy to teach me how to drive. "Does this mean that me and you are going to go out to hunt some infected monsters?" asked Mike. "No, Mike," I said, "It means we're going to go out looking for food, water and supplies. We're not going out there to kill infected. If we can, we need to avoid them." "But you told everyone yesterday that you didn't want to be the one that kept going out," said Mike. "Yeah, well I'm a mug aren't I?" I said, "If I don't go out none of that lot are, are they?" "Well I'll look after you," said Mike, rubbing my back, "If anyone hurts you or even tries to hurt you I'll stab them in the head." "Yeah well let's just hope it doesn't come to that," I said.

Mike was actually a very good driving instructor. It was a bit weird. When he was teaching me there was a moment when it was like he was the adult and I was the child. When I got the car started I was able to drive in a straight line and I eventually managed to reverse and park but I'm still struggling to get the bl**dy car started in the first place.

By the time the afternoon arrived I'd had enough of sitting in the car and I was annoyed with myself for not being able to get the car started properly without Mike there to help me. I got out of the car and Destiny and TJ walked over. "What's all this?" asked TJ, "A driving lesson?" "No, it's karate class," I sarcastically said, "What do you think?" "Well he's not good at teaching driving," said TJ, pointing at Mike. "Actually he's been a very effective teacher," I said. "Really?" said TJ, "Because it looked to me like you couldn't even get the f*cker started." "Does this mean that you're going to go out looking for food?" asked Destiny. "Well none of you lot are going to go out are you?" I said in a mood, "So I suppose it's up to me and Mike." "It's alright," said TJ, "You can bum each other without any looking." "You should be nice to Luke," said Mike, "If you're leaving it up to us to go out there and bring back food, we might decide not to bring you anything back. Then what will you do?" "Well we're growing more vegetables," said TJ, "And we're collecting rain water so we'll be OK." "God you're an idiot," I said, "It hasn't rained for days and it'll take ages until the veg is ready to eat. Anyway you can't just live on vegetables." "I'm an idiot?" exclaimed TJ, pointing at Mike, "You're the one who's going out on some wild goose chase with this mad f*cker." "If you call me mad one more time you'll find out how mad I can get," said Mike. "Please don't argue" said Destiny, "We all need to get on and help each other out." "But we're not doing that are we?" I said, "Me and Mike are the only ones prepared to risk our lives to bring back food. It's not a wild goose chase. It's an attempt to get essential supplies. What the f*ck are you doing to help?" "Don't ask me what I'm doing to help," said TJ, "You're the one that brought Dump back. He's just a waste pf space. Another mouth to feed. Is that helping? Knob head." Mike stepped forward. "If you keep calling Luke names I might have to hurt you," said Mike. I told Mike to calm down, and Destiny begged us all not to fight. "At least I'm doing something to try and help," I said to TJ, "What are you doing? Collecting rain water and growing veg?" "Help?" giggled TJ, "Whatever Miss Daisy, you can't even get the f*cking car started." "Leave him alone, he's trying," said Mike. "Well when your boyfriend manages to get the car started without you holding his hand, let me know," said TJ, "And maybe then I'll have a bit more interest." TJ left with Destiny and I was left feeling annoyed. "Just ignore him," Mike said to me, "He's jealous because you'll be able to drive soon and he won't." "Well I think we all need to know how to drive," I said, "The more people that can drive a car, the better." Mike told me he'd be happy teaching everyone but I said there was another solution that might make things better. Mike looked confused and intrigued. "We could take Dump out of quarantine and get him to teach people to drive too," I said. Mike didn't look happy. "You've only just locked him in the chalet," said Mike. "Yeah, I know," I said, "But if more people can drive then more people might feel comfortable about going out to look for supplies." "I can teach everyone," said Mike, "We don't need Dump." "It'll be quicker if you both teach people how to drive," I said. Mike looked really annoyed. "Don't look like that," I said, "I'm not over the moon about taking Dump out of quarantine but he might be able to help." "Yeah but you know what he's like," said Mike, "He'll want something in exchange. Anyway, who's going to be up for being taught to drive by Dump? Do you really think anyone round here's going to want to be alone with Dump in a car?" "Fine," I said, "Dump can teach me to drive and you can teach the others." "What!?" Mike exclaimed, "You're dumping me for Dump?" "For God's sake, Mike," I said, "I'm not dumping anyone I'm trying to save time and make good use of all the resources to hand. Dump can teach me to drive whilst you teach someone else. It makes sense."

Later on I called everyone together and told them about my idea. It had mixed responses. "I think we all need to know how to drive," I said, "If we need to leave here in a hurry it will come in handy, plus the more people that can drive the more people that can go out on runs." "My ex-boyfriend gave me driving lessons once," said Trudy, "He was a driving instructor. He was driving from the bank and he told me all about changing gears and looking in your rear view mirror. Actually, I say boyfriend, he was more of a shag buddy. Actually, I say driving from the back, he was speeding, doing ninety miles an hour. Actually, I say he told me about looking in the rear view mirror, it was so he could see how far away the cops were. Actually, he wasn't really a driving instructor, he was more of a getaway driver." "Whatever," I said, "Trudy, are you saying you know a bit about driving?" "Get a grip gay boy," said TJ, "You can't include that as any useful experience." "I'm just trying to figure out who knows a bit about driving," I said. "Tom Daley was good at diving," said Deaf Deirdre, "He did very well in the Olympics didn't he?" "Driving, not diving!" I loudly said. "I used to drive my car from my Mum and Dad's house down to my Nan's," said Mia. "You never told me that," I said, "You can drive a car?" "Well I used to be able to," said Mia, "But it was a long time ago." "How long ago?" I asked. "About twelve years ago," said Mia, "I was a little girl." "So it was a kid's car?" I said sounding frustrated, "Well that's no bl**dy use." "I didn't know they made cars for kids," said Auntie Meryl, "They start them young these days." "Look," TJ said to me, "I think teaching people to drive is a good idea, "But I'm not going to be taught by Dump." "Me neither," said Trudy. "Or me," said Mia, "He's creepy." "Do none of you understand that our food is running out?" I said, "I know Dump's a murdering w*nker but we're not in the position where we have the luxury of choosing who does and doesn't teach us to drive." "Mike can teach us," said Trudy. "Yeah," said Mia, "I'd rather be on my own with Mike than Dump." "But he's just one person," I said, "He can't teach us all to drive. If no one wants to be alone with Dump he can teach me to drive whilst Mike teaches someone else. When Naomi comes back there'll be more of us that can drive to City One." "IF she comes back," said TJ. "She'll be back," I said. "But will we all stay together?" Lindon asked me. "Stay together?" said TJ, "Have a word with yourself you weird corpse shagger, there's hardly any of us left. Mary's gone. Esther's buggered off, Seth's missing and now Naomi's legged it. There's not that many people to keep together."

We carried on talking and agreed that Dump would teach me drive and Mike would teach Mia, Trudy, TJ and Troy. The others didn't want to be told how to drive. I think Destiny is too thick to think for herself and Deaf Deirdre and Auntie Meryl would get too confused. I suppose now I've got to think about how I approach Dump and what I'm going to say to him to agree to giving me driving lessons and finishing off where Mike started.