Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 247: Sunday 30th April 2017 21:02

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Day 247
Sunday 30th April 2017 21:02

God! What a day! I'm in bed writing my diary, feeling really fed up. Today I planned on doing something that made me not look like a weird paedophile but unfortunately I made matters A LOT worse.

Before I went to bed last night I walked over to the kitchens in the main building. I had the nibbles and there was nothing in my cupboards. When I entered one of the industrial sized kitchens I was shocked to see Destiny stuffing her face – and I mean literally stuffing her face, with food. The kitchen counter was awash with pasta, cooked meats, ice cream, biscuits and chocolate. Just as Destiny, who had ice cream and chocolate smeared all round her mouth, was about to take another big spoonful of cake she stopped and looked at me, appearing shocked and embarrassed; a bit like a wife coming home and finding her husband trying on her knickers. "What are you doing?" I asked, "That food's for everyone." Destiny smiled, cleaned herself up and tidied her hair. "Sorry, Lee," she said, wiping smeared chocolate sauce from her mouth, "I'm such a greedy gobble guts. I always get the munchies in the evening." I overlooked Destiny getting my name wrong (again!) and told her that I was there for a bite to eat too. She made me promise not to tell anyone I'd seen her scoffing so much food. I told her I wouldn't tell anyone but encouraged her to think of other people needing food too. I wasn't interested in Destiny being a greedy cow. I just wanted something to eat. Destiny passed me a burger which I heated up in the microwave. I think the meat itself was cow but it tasted a bit funny. Anyway the meat obviously must have been off because I've spent most of the day with stomach pains that resulted in a mortifying situation later on.

This morning I saw Mary walking the puppies. I walked up to her and smiled. "And how are the gorgeous little beasts this morning?" I asked. "Do you mean the puppies or the kids?" asked Mary. "Don't start," I said, "Yesterday was a big misunderstanding." "Yes," said Mary, "Mr Dump told me, but if you ask me I don't know how anyone could misunderstand a forty year old man being naked in a children's ball pool." "Oi, I'm not forty," I snapped. "But you WERE naked in a children's ball pool," said Mary, "What's wrong with you? Poor Sophie's terrified and her parents aren't happy either." "What?!" I loudly said, sounding worried, "Dump said he'd talk to them." "And he has," said Mary, "He's smoothed things over a bit but you stood in front of their nine year old daughter, completely naked and used her favourite toy to cover yourself up. There's only so much Mr Dump can do. Although why he'd bother, I don't know. Why is he so keen to stick up for you?" "Because he knows it was a big misunderstanding," I said. I looked down and noticed Mary was walking Jackson and John. Princess wasn't with them. "Where's Princess?" I asked. "She's not well," said Mary, "The vet's looking after her. It's not great that we have a vet here but no Doctor. Anyway you could do more to help. Why don't you take Jackson and John for a walk later on? Let me put my feet up. It's always me that seems to walk the dogs." "Fine," I said. "Oh and Luke," said Mary, "Maybe you could try and keep your clothes on today. If you get another strong urge to run around naked, try not to do it in a child's play area." Smarmy b*tch.

I was at work when Esther walked in. She sat down and started going through paperwork without even looking at me. Silence lingered and I looked at her, waiting for her to look at me and say something. Nothing. "Is that it then?!" I asked. "What?" asked Esther, looking confused. "Well," I said, "You just walk in here, sit down, get on with your paperwork and you don't say a word. Have you forgotten what a c*ck hungry nympho you were yesterday?!" "Luke, keep your voice down," snapped Esther, "We're at work. I don't want to talk about it." "Tough," I said, "You abandoned me and left me looking like a right plum." "Don't you mean cherry?" asked Esther with a smile on her face. "Oh is this funny to you?" I asked, "God you're a b*tch. I can't believe you just left me like that." "Well maybe you should think with your brain instead of your penis," said Esther. "This coming from the woman who told me to get hard and f*ck her" I said. "Luke, I don't want to talk about this at work," said Esther, "Let's be professional." "Have you got some sort of personality disorder or something?" I asked, "One minute you're a slut and the next minute you're an ice queen." "Shut up," said Esther, firmly. She's a bossy cow. Next time she comes begging me for sex, I'll tell the b*tch to go and finger herself.