Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 237: Thursday 20th April 2017 21:14

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Day 237
Thursday 20th April 2017 21:14

An annoying day.

Me, DeShawn and Naomi conducted our first ever 'Infected Safety' class. Word must have spread because we got about thirty attendees. We conducted the classes on the large football pitch and for a while it went really well. We told everyone the essential items they needed to have on them, the best places to look for food and water and how they could stay safe from the infected. "I really don't think I can bring myself to actually . . . you know . . . stab someone in the head," one of the women said. "That's what I thought eight months ago," I said, "But you'll be surprised at what you're capable of doing when three people with their faces hanging off come running at you, growling and trying to eat you. The first infected person I killed was a hospital worker called Frank. I had to push a letter opener through his eye and into his brain." People squirmed and exchanged distressing looks. "There's no time to get emotional," said Naomi, "That's what it's like out there. Kill or be killed. I'm sorry I know that's harsh but that's how it is now." While it was good to see so many people turning up to the classes, it was obvious that we couldn't properly teach them how to kill the infected without any actual weapons. DeShawn suggested that we gather knifes and blunt, heavy objects to use but Naomi said it would work better if we had guns and the weapons we arrived with. I said that Dump would never allow us to be reunited with our weapons, especially if we were going to use them to teach other residents how to fight. "Well maybe we don't ask his permission," said Naomi, "They're our weapons. Why don't we just find out where they are and take them?" I told Naomi that we were already in Dump's bad books and that I didn't think we should do anything to make things worse. "What's up with you?" Naomi asked me, "You're not scared of Dump are you?" "He's still got a small army behind him," I said, "Let's just think this through. He's bound to find out what we're doing here with everyone, and he's not going to be happy, so doing anything else to p*ss him off isn't something I'd recommend." "Hang on," said one of the women, "Did you say you had guns? This is the UK, not America. How have you got guns?" DeShawn explained how we'd managed to gather various weapons on our travels, including some guns. "There aren't many guns around," I said, "But I think it would be useful if you all know how to properly fire a gun. However, I think for now we should focus on knives."

Dump doesn't know about the classes but it's only a matter of time before he finds out. One person who has found out about the classes is Mary. She's not happy. After the class had finished she came marching up to me, Naomi and DeShawn with an angry look on her face. "What the Hell do you think you're doing?" she firmly asked. "Oh Mary, please don't start," said Naomi. "Everyone's talking about what you're doing," she vented through gritted teeth, "What is wrong with you? I mean, are you actually trying to go out of your way to cause as much trouble as possible?" "We just want people to know how to stay safe," said DeShawn. "They don't need to know how to stay safe," said Mary, "They're inside a secure compound with thirty foot high walls and armed soldiers. Why are you insisting on pushing this?" "Because we've been in what was supposed to be a secure compound before," I said, "Before we met you we were in a hospital, then a school, then a furniture shop, all of them got overrun with infected. You were there when Hilary and his men came to the supermarket, you know that nowhere is completely safe." "Oh will you change the record," snapped Mary, "You can't keep living your life thinking that no where's completely safe and looking over your shoulder every five minutes." "It's what's kept us alive," said Naomi, "It's what's kept you alive." "Rubbish," said Mary, "What's kept me alive is my faith. That's all I need." "Oh don't start all that sh*t again," I said, rolling my eyes. "Listen, Luke," said Mary, "We might not always agree on much but I'm not going to stand here and listen to you bad mouth my faith." "And I'm not going to stand here and listen to you having a go at us for doing what we can to keep people safe," I said.  "People are safe!" Mary loudly replied. "For now they are," I said, "But they weren't safe when Tina and Benjamin were running around the other day taking chunks out of each other." "That was a one off," said Mary, "No one else is going to commit suicide like Tina." "You don't know that," I said, "And as for it being a one off, what about all of the other times you felt safe only to end up terrified and running for your life." There was a moment of silence. "You need to stop what you're doing here," said Mary, "Will you stop?" "No," said Naomi, "If infected or other people manage to get in here, these people need to know how to look after themselves." "They have the soldiers to look after them," said Mary, "I'll ask you again. Will you stop?" "No," said Naomi. "Then you leave me no choice," said Mary, "I'm going to tell Mr. Dump." "Oh you can tell that tangerine tinted tw*t," I said, "He's going to find out sooner or later anyway." "You're right," said Mary, "But he'll be finding out sooner than you think and he'll put a stop to this." Mary walked off and I was left feeling annoyed. "What the f*ck is her problem?" I said, "She knows what it's like out there." "She's forgotten," said Naomi, "A lot of them have." Dump was obviously going to find out what Naomi, DeShawn and I were up to but I think the three of us can deal with him. I just hope Dump doesn't get to find out that TJ and I sent Mike away.

Something else I found annoying today was when I returned to my office and found a note pushed under my door. It was from Dump, and it basically said that Esther's office was now being used for storage and that she and I had to share an office. "Oh for f*cks sake!" I exclaimed after reading the note. After our one night stand I've spent days avoiding Esther and now it seems that staying out of her way is going to be impossible. GREAT! Not only is it going to be awkward but I expect her to be an even bigger b*tch than usual after all the nasty comments she's heard me saying about her. Mind you, if she says anything derogatory to me, I will remind the scabby b*tch that she gave me crabs. I hope I don't have to sit opposite her for too long. I'll probably catch the bl**dy plague! I gathered some paperwork, piled it up on my desk and on top of it I placed a clipboard which also had some paperwork attached to it. On top of the clipboard I left a note which said 'DO NOT TOUCH, I WILL PICK THESE UP TOMORROW. LUKE.' The bossy Nazi better not touch my stuff.

I was in one of the cafeterias in the afternoon when deaf Deirdre came and sat with me. Oh God, I thought to myself, here we go. "Now then deary," said Deirdre, "How are you today?" I didn't want to get into another long winded discussion where she couldn't hear me so I just raised my thumbs indicating that I was OK. "Well there's been a lot going on recently hasn't there," said Deirdre, "I hope you're looking after yourself lovey. I don't think this place is as safe as they're making out." "Exactly," I said, "Some of my so called friends struggle to see that." "What was that lovey?" asked Deirdre. "Oh it doesn't matter," I said. "Well no one's taking my gun," said Deirdre, "I need to look after myself. I don't trust those soldiers. Give me a good old fashioned bobby on the beat any day. My son used to be a police officer. He used to run around catching all them baddies that were up to no good." "Sounds like The Bill," I said. "The pill?" said Deirdre, "No I'm not on the pill. I'm not going to get pregnant at my time of life, although I wouldn't mind putting in a bit of practice. Why do you want to know if I'm on the pill?" "No!" I loudly said, "The Bill!" "What bill?" asked Deirdre, "Do you need to pay a bill?" "No!" I shouted, "Not that sort of bill. Oh just forget it. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm so sorry." "You're from Surrey?" asked Deirdre, "My sister used to live in Surrey. Guildford. Lovely place. She had a huge back garden. That's where she and her husband got married. They hired one of those big . . . oh . . . what do you call them? Like big tents." "Canopy," I said. "You want a can of peas?" asked Deirdre, "Well I think Trudy might have some in the kitchen. You do like to change the subject don't you? I can't keep up." "No," I said, rolling my eyes, "CANOPY!" "Canapes?" asked Deirdre, "We had them at my sister's wedding in the big tent thing. Oh it was a lovely day. Have you ever been married?" "Sorry," I said, "But I need to go." I stood up and left. I can only spend a short amount of time with deaf Deirdre before I'm consumed with the urge to violently and repeatedly bash my head against a wall. I really wish I could have a day when I'm not in the company of someone who makes me want to gauge my eyes out with a teaspoon. I have no idea how deaf Deirdre manages to get by. She can't hear a f*cking word anyone says.

The sergeants are still not back from their run. I don't think I've known them be away from Dumpville for this long. I have a feeling something bad might have happened. Either way I think something bad will happen tomorrow when Dump finds out about out 'Infected Safety' classes.