Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 250: Wednesday 3rd May 2017 21:58

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Day 250
Wednesday 3rd May 2017 21:58

I came up with a great idea to try and prove to people that I'm not a massive paedo but what started out like a great brainwave only made me look like an even bigger paedo and ended up with me being totally isolated.

I wrote a note which explained I wasn't a paedophile, had no sexual interest in children and that I was just a clumsy sod who got into a lot of embarrassing situations. The note ended with me telling people that if they wanted to talk to me about what I'd put in the note, I'd be in Triton's later in the afternoon before the bar opened. I thought this was a great idea; a perfect opportunity for us all to talk freely and get things out in the open. Once I'd finished writing the note I went to Auntie Meryl's. "What's that in your hand?" she asked. "It's a note that I'm going to post to everyone," I said, "It explains about all the misunderstandings that have been going on recently. I think it's a good way to get everything out in the open and have a frank and transparent discussion. You know, air the demons. I need about 200 copies." Auntie Meryl thought I was going to write it out 200 times and I explained that due to the wonder of technology I planned on using the photocopier. As I said this, I remembered that the photocopier in mine and Esther's office wasn't working and that we had to use the one in the supermarket. "Well I'm going to the supermarket later on," said Auntie Meryl, "I'll sort it out for you. Mind you, they won't do you 200 copies." Auntie Meryl had a point so I decide to just send the note to chalets that had children and families inside.

I left Auntie Meryl with the note and went to work. I had a list of all the chalets in Dumpville that housed children and families. As I was going through the list, Esther walked in. She asked me what I was doing. "Oh, so you're talking to me now are you?" I asked. "Well, like you say," said Esther, "We have to share an office so we're stuck with each other whether we like it or not." "Look," I said, "Dump doesn't know it's you that I've been shagging." Esther cringed and closed her eyes, looking embarrassed and uncomfortable. "Don't look like that," I said, "You enjoyed it as much as I do." "Keep telling yourself that," said Esther, "As far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen and it won't be happening again. I hate the idea of you and Dump having such misogynistic talks about me." "It wasn't like that," I said, "I just needed to keep him on side. It was the whole bravado thing. I only said all that sh*t about cattle and branding irons to keep in his good books." "I didn't think you were bothered about keeping in his good books," said Esther, "Anyway, I just want to forget all about it and get on with my job." Esther sounded pretty adamant that our sexual encounters had come to an end but I'm not convinced. I told Esther my plan to send all of the families a note about me not being a paedophile and that's why I was looking at the list.

I finished work early and started to make my way back to Auntie Meryl's to pick up the notes. I was stopped by Destiny who said she'd heard I'd got sick because she gave me a dodgy burger. She was very apologetic and to make up for making me ill she offered to distribute the copies of my note. This was an unexpected surprise. "Are you sure you don't mind?" I asked. "Not at all," said Destiny, "I could do with the exercise. I saw your Auntie in the supermarket; she explained what you were trying to do. I think it's a wonderful idea. What is it your Auntie said? Get the Demons out. Deal with the problems head on in an honest way." "Exactly," I said. "Well I just hope the Mums and Dads that turn up don't hurt you," said Destiny. "Well I'm sure they won't," I said, "Not after they've read the note." I handed Destiny a list of all the chalets that were occupied by families and she said she was more than happy to post the notes. I was relatively content with that but I also suspected this was her way of trying to get me to shut up about seeing her stuffing her face with pies and chocolate the other day.

I bumped into Mary later on and I told her my plans to speak to some of the parents and explain that I'm not a paedophile. She said that I'd find it difficult but appreciated my effort. She then offered to look after the kids while I was with their parents in Triton's. "I'd really appreciate that," I said, "I think if you can look after the kids, I'll get more parents there." "Well we haven't been swimming in a while," said Mary, "So I'll take them to the indoor swimming pool next door. It's about time they had some fun." I told Mary I appreciated this and she told me to think before I acted and try not to mess things up. "I won't mess things up," I said, "I'm just trying to do the right thing. I'm not completely useless you know." One of the kids, Lilly, ran up to Mary and spoke to her about wanting to go swimming. "Well it's funny you should say that," said Mary, "Because I'm going to take all of you swimming later on when Luke here is going to be talking to your Mums and Dads." Lilly gave me a sad and unhappy look. "My Mum says I'm not allowed to talk to him." Mary looked at me and raised her eyebrows that suggested I only have myself to blame. I looked at Lilly and smiled. "Well don't worry," I said, "Once I've spoken to your Mum and Dad we'll sort it all out." Lilly looked up at Mary and ignored me. "Can we play hide and side after we've been swimming?" she asked. "Of course we can," said Mary, "I'll count to ten and you lot can go and hide somewhere but be careful not to go too far." I tried to join in with the conversation and make Lilly less scared of me. "Make sure Mary doesn't cheat," I said. "I'll close my eyes," said Mary. "You could tie her up too," I said, "Then when she's tied up you have to go and hide and she has to try and get free." Mary gave me a disapproving look which I took to be my cue to shut up.