Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 265: Thursday 18th May 2017 19:55

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Day 265
Thursday 18th May 2017 19:55

An interesting day with some potentially exciting developments.

After yesterday's chat with Mia I started thinking that having a new leader and getting Dump replaced might be a good thing. With the sergeants gone, Dump being all quiet, relationships between him and the soldiers strained, and residents losing their faith in Dump's leadership, now is the perfect time to chuck him off his throne. I wasn't sure who would be a good replacement but it's something that's got a few of us talking.

I was sat with Deaf Deirdre, Mia and Troy in one of the café bars. Deaf Deirdre was asking if Dump knew about her gun. I said as far as I knew he didn't know anything but she needs to keep it out of sight. The conversation eventually led on to us talking about who could replace Dump when I suddenly felt a lightbulb moment come over me. "I know!" I said, "Let's have an election." "You've got an erection?" said an outraged Deaf Deirdre. "No," I replied bluntly, "An election, where you vote." "An erection for a goat?" said a confused Deaf Deirdre. "That might be a good idea," Troy said to me, "We just need to sort out some parties." "Parties?" asked Mia, "Shouldn't we get the elections done first?" "No, Mia," I said, "Not a party, party, a political party." "You mean where loads of politicians do shots and get drunk?" asked Mia. "No," I said, "That's not what I mean. Did you vote in the elections?" Mia looked confused. "Do you know what an election is?" I asked. Mia maintained her confusion. "Do you know what a vote is?" I asked. Again, Mia looked bewildered. "My Auntie always voted Tory," said Troy. "That's a star sign isn't it?" asked Mia. "They're a political party," I said, "The Conservative party." "Oh are we having a conservatory party?" asked Deaf Deirdre, "I haven't had a party in a conservatory in years." I told Mia what an election was and explained that whoever wanted to be a candidate against Dump could end up taking over as leader of Dumpville. "I could be leader of Dumpville," said Mia, "I'll do a better job than Ronald." Deaf Deidre, Troy and I slowly turned our heads and gave Mia a shocked and dismayed look. "You?!" I said to Mia, "You think you could be leader of Dumpville?" "Yeah," said Mia, "Why not? If Ronald can run this place so can I. I think we need a new leader and I think I'm the woman for the job." "No offence Mia," I said, "But this isn't your area of expertise. Five minutes ago you didn't even know what an election was and now you're talking like Margaret Thatcher." "Who?" asked Mia. "She wrote 'Gone with the Wind'" said Deaf Deirdre. "That's Margaret Mitchell," I said. "Didn't she run the pub in EastEnders?" asked Troy. "Oh never mind all that," I said, "Mia, you can't be leader of Dumpville. What would you stand for?" Mia, again looked confused. "What would I stand for?" she asked, sounding confused, "Well I can't be sat down all the time can I?" I rolled my eyes. "You know what," said Mia, "I think you're jealous." "Why the Hell would I be jealous?" I asked, "I'm trying to save you from making a tit of yourself." "You're jealous because you know I'll do a better job of running this place that you," said Mia. "I'm not bothered," I said, "I don't want to be leader of this sh*t-hole. You only want to be leader because you're p*ssed off with Dump; anyway Dump won't let people vote." "Well he should," said Troy, "He's always talking about this being the start of civilised life. What's more civilised than a democratic election?"

Naomi then appeared. She and I exchanged awkward looks. "What's going on here?" she asked. "Mia wants to run for election," said Troy. "Election?" asked Naomi. "Yeah," said Mia, "I'm going to go against Ronald and show him that I'm going to be a better leader than him." "Sounds like a good idea," said Naomi. I gave Naomi a surprised look. I couldn't believe she thought a half-wit like Mia running for leader was a good idea. "Healthy competition," said Naomi, "That'll show Dump." Naomi looked at me. "You going to run?" she asked me. "I'm not interested," I said, "Anyway, I think Dump will put a stop to the whole thing." "Well, I reckon you'd be alright as a candidate," said Naomi. This was unexpected. Was this Naomi trying to get back on speaking terms with me?

Later in the day I was at home when there was a knock on my door. It was Dump. He was NOT happy. "Oh, hello," I said, "I wasn't expecting this." "What's all this about an election?" he angrily asked. "Well . . . err . . . it was. . . err . . ." I stuttered. "You sound nervous, Luke," said Dump, "Maybe you have good reason to be." "Look, it wasn't my idea," I said. "I heard it was ALL your idea," said Dump. "Well, I might have gently explored it as an idea," I said, "But Mia was the one who really got on board with it." "I heard you were put forward as a candidate," said Dump. "Well, Naomi suggested something," I said, "Well it was more of a passing comment. Anyway, it doesn't matter, I'm not interested in running." "No one will be running," said Dump, "Because there isn't going to be any election." Dump turned round and as he started to walk off I called to him. "Hang on," I said, "You talked about Dumpville being the start of civilised society so why not REALLY be civilised and let the society that lives here choose who they want to be leader." Dump turned round and frowned at me. The look on his face suggested that he begrudgingly thought I had a point. "Come on," I said, "If you REALLY do want this place to be the start of civilisation then do it properly." There was a pause. Dump gave me a creepy smile. "I'll win," he said. "Fine," I said, "If you think you've got nothing to worry about then why don't you play this thing out and see what happens?" "I will," said Dump, with another creepy smile, "And there's only one way it will go; my way. There might have been a few ups and downs around here lately but everyone here knows what side their bread's buttered. They won't want someone else running this place." "Well there's only one way to find out," I said. "Well one thing's for sure," said Dump, with laughter in his voice, "No one's ever going to vote for a pigeon chested little loser like you. I mean, can you imagine." "Well I don't want to be leader of this place anyway," I said, "So it's irrelevant." "Good job," said Dump, "Things would get nasty if you went up against me. I saved your arse when everyone thought you were a paedophile, so if you repaid me by going against me and trying to be leader, that would make me very unhappy. Anyway, you haven't got it in you. Being the manager in an office, looking after biros and pencil sharpeners is different to being the leader in a community and looking after dozens of people. It's probably best you don't run for leader. You'll just embarrass yourself. There's more chance of me being beaten in this election by Mia than you. You should save yourself from looking like even more of an idiot than you already do. Some men, like me, have got what it takes to be natural leaders and other men, well I say "men", like you, haven't got what it takes to fart without sh*tting themselves." Dump laughed which made me feel quite angry. I suddenly felt like a pathetic, inferior loser. This sparked a sense of anger in me. "Well maybe I will run," I said with determination in my voice, "If Mia's going to run then maybe I should too." Dump laughed. "Well if you're happy to embarrass yourself," he said, "Be my guest. I'll arrange for a neutral party to manage the process. Mind you, it's just a formality. We all know I'm going to win." Dump walked off laughing to himself and leaving me feeling annoyed.

I can't believe the idea of me being leader of Dumpville is laughable. I think I will run for election. Before coming to Dumpville I made some tough decisions and managed to live through a number of life threatening situations. The more I think about it, I think I've got exactly what this place needs to be a good leader. Tomorrow morning I'm going to start planning. I can come up with a great manifesto and show people that I'd be a great leader and do a better job than Dump. I can't believe I've gone from being adamant that I don't want to be leader to being so determined to dethrone that cretin, Dump.