Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 351: Saturday 12th August 2017 17:56

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Day 351
Saturday 12th August 2017 17:56

What a tense day it's been. I've been going out of my way to make sure Matt and the other gay guys here didn't find out we're straight and that we killed their mate, Daz.

When I woke up in my tiny, dark cabin on my large PVC mattress, I walked into the communal area of the sauna and noticed Mike sat on one of the sofas wearing nothing but a towel and talking to the other gay guys. They really liked him. He'd told them all about Hilary torturing him; chopping off his fingers, burning him with cigarettes, stabbing him in the arm and pressing a hot iron against him. At first Matt thought it was some part of some sadistic, painful, sexual thing but Mike assured him that it was far from enjoyable. Mike then started talking about all manner of things gay. "Oh yes," said Mike, "I just love being gay. It's great isn't it? We get to dance to all the camp classics don't we? Gloria Gaynor, Judy Garland, The Village People, Queen, Diana Ross, Erasure. Oh I just love them. And all of that gay bum sex. Top notch. There's nothing I like more than a bit of gay bum sex. In fact I was saying to Luke the other day, don't you just love a bit of gay bum sex. You can't beat a bit of gay bum sex." "What's your favourite position?" one of the guys asked Mike. "Well I like being on top," said Mike, "And when I am on top I just think to myself, I love gay bum sex." I looked over at Mike, shocked that he was going to such lengths to try and fit in. "Mike," I called, "Can I have a word?" Mike stood up and minced over to me in a very camp manner. "What the Hell are you doing?" I whispered to him, "And what was that walk?" "You said we had to fit in," said Mike, quietly, "This is me pretending to be gay." "It's a bit over the top isn't it?" I said, "It's like you're taking the p*ss out of them. Why are you wearing a towel?" "So we blend in," said Mike, "You know, so we don't arouse suspicion."

TJ then appeared and his eyes nearly fell out when he saw Mike stood next to me wearing nothing but a towel. "God almighty," said TJ, "I knew it. I knew you were bent. Didn't take you long to get b*llock naked and join ranks with the bumming brigade did it?" "Shush," said Mike, "I'm in disguise." "As what?" asked TJ, "A closet homo? It doesn't matter what you're wearing, you're always a closet homo." I told TJ to keep his voice down and reminded him that we all had to pretend to be gay while we were here. Mike minced back over to the others. "Sorry about that," Mike said to them, "Luke just HAS to talk to me about much he loves c*ck." "I think he's enjoying this a bit too much," TJ said to me. "Yeah, well don't f*ck this up," I said to TJ, "Just play along whilst we're here. These guys are big butch burly blokes. They'll tear us apart if they know we killed their mate." "I bet they'd like to tear my arse apart," said TJ, "Out of me, you and Mike I'm obviously the one that gets them all hard." "TJ shut up," I said, "I thought you were going to keep yourself to yourself." "Don't worry, I am," said TJ, "I'm not letting these bum bandits anywhere near me." TJ walked away, leaving me thinking what a tw*t he is.

I noticed Matt slouching against the reception desk looking a bit down. I walked up to him and asked him what was wrong. "It's Daz," said Matt, "I suppose I'm a bit worried about him." "Well you said he'd be OK didn't you?" I said. "Yeah but he's never been gone this long before," said Matt, "He's certainly never been gone overnight." "Well I'm sure he's fine," I said lying through my teeth, "You said he could look after himself and that he was quick on his feet, remember?" "He's the fittest one out of the lot is us," said Matt, "And I don't just mean fit as in 'causes you to shoot your load until your arse explodes, fit' although I do mean that too. I mean he can run fast and do lots of ducking and diving. If something's happened to him out there then we're all dead." "It won't come to that," I said, "I'm sure we'll come up with something." "I just hope he's OK," said Matt, "He's a lovely fella that's been helping us to stay alive. Plus he gives the best blowjobs out everyone here." There was an awkward pause. I wasn't sure what to say and I felt a bit uncomfortable which Matt noticed. "What's up?" he asked, "You like sucking c*ck don't you?" "Me?" I exclaimed, "Oh yeah, I love . . . sucking . . . those c*cks. Yeah. I can't give enough it." "What's your favourite technique?" asked Matt. "Oh you know," I said, squirming a bit, "The usual one. The usual . . . sucking one." "Oh my Gay God," said Matt, "You're shy aren't you? Don't you like talking about sex? You don't need to be bashful around me." "I'm not bashful," I said. "I think you're blushing," said Matt, "When was the last time you had sex?" "Well it's been a while," I said, "I don't really want to talk about it." "Well if it's been a while, there's ten guys here that wouldn't mind helping you out," said Matt. "I'm not really in the mood for anything like that," I said, "I suppose I'm worried about my friends. My Auntie's out there and I just want to get back to her." "You do worry an awful lot don't you?" said Matt, "You're a gay guy in a sauna. Relax, have fun, don't be so uptight." "I just want to wait for the infected to go so we can get out of here," I said, "I don't like leaving my Auntie on her own for too long, especially when she's got four dogs and two babies to look after." "I had no idea you were such a Nanna," said Matt. "What do you mean?" I asked. "Nanna," said Matt, "Like an old lady who sits in a rocking chair, does knitting and is always sensible and does the right thing." "Well in that case," I said, "I'm definitely not a Nanna. I don't always do the right thing." "You sound pretty sensible though" said Matt, "Geeky almost. It's not an insult. It's actually a compliment. Come on Nanna, I'll get you a drink." I was surprised at how quickly Matt went from feeling sad about Daz to giving me a nickname to flirting with me.

Later on I was chatting to Mike in the communal area. He looked really sad. I asked him what was wrong and he said it was his fault that we were all stuck in the sauna. "Well it didn't help when you were going to plough us into that massive group of infected," I said, "But your little brother had something to do with it." "I'm sorry," said Mike, "I just get so angry when people are laughing at me and taking the p*ss. It's like they're calling me stupid and mocking me." "Mike, the infected aren't mocking you," I said, "They don't think you're stupid – they don't think anything. We've talked about this before." "I can't help it," said Mike, "I just get so angry. I suppose I need you with me to help me control my anger." I told Mike there's nothing wrong with being angry. He just needs to think about how he expresses it. "Next time you're in a situation and you can feel your anger becoming rage," I said, "Just take a deep breath and slowly count from one to ten. That used to help me when I got angry at work." I hope Mike takes my advice on board.

Later in the day I was sat in the communal area with Courtney, Mike and TJ. The sound of Matt and some of the other gay guys having sex echoed throughout the building. The four of us exchanged awkward looks. As phrases such as "spit on it," "lick it," "bite it" and "stick both of them in," travelled throughout the sauna, the awkward atmosphere intensified. "I'm really starting to think I'd be better off taking my chances outside," said TJ. "Maybe we should have a word with them," I said. "It sounds like they're hurting each other," said Mike. "It sounds disgusting to me," said TJ, "Like a load of cows being slaughtered." Matt then appeared with his towel wrapped round his waist. "Oh don't you think bum sex is just lovely," said Matt. He picked up an inflatable rubber ring, placed it on the sofa and sat on it next to TJ, who quickly shuffled away to the far end of the sofa. "Just having a break," said Matt, "My arse has just had more traffic than Heathrow airport." "God, you stink," said TJ. "Yeah, it's all the sweat," said Matt, "I've got to brace myself when Panda puts both of them in." "Both of what in where?" asked Mike.  Matt was about to explain but I quickly interrupted him. "Look, Matt," I said, "We're pretty open minded people but there's a fifteen year old girl here. I'm not sure it's appropriate that you and your mates get up to what you're getting up to with her outside." Courtney looked at me and smiled. "I don't mind," she said, "I've had two kids. I used to have gay mates. It doesn't bother me." I gave Courtney an unimpressed look. I was hoping she'd back me up but she clearly enjoyed me, Mike and TJ squirming. "There we go then," said Matt, "If the little lady doesn't mind then there's no problem is there? We're all gay guys together aren't we?" "Look, I know Courtney doesn't mind," I said, "But I feel uncomfortable with her being here whilst there's lots of . . . you know . . . stuff going on." "God you really are a Nanna aren't you?" said Matt with a giggle. "Nanna?" said TJ. "It's my little nickname for Luke," said Matt, "Cute isn't it?" "Nanna!" TJ loudly said, laughing his head off, "That's f*cking hilarious. Well he's certainly got a c*ck the size of a Nanna's." "Well it's not the size of the car that's important," said Matt, "It's the power of the engine." Matt leaned over and smiled at me. "It doesn't matter that you've got a small willy" he said, "We don't discriminate. We cater for all shapes and sizes. Come on Nanna, why don't you join us. My mate Panda's had his eye on you ever since you arrived." "Yeah, go on Nanna," TJ said with a smirk, "Go enjoy yourself." "I'm fine thanks," I bluntly said. "Why do they call him Panda?" asked Mike. "Well you know that book 'Eats, Shoots and Leaves'?" asked Matt. "Yeah, about English grammar and language," said Mike. "Well Panda has a very particular sex routine," said Matt, "He eats you out, he shoots his load and then he leaves. So he eats, shoots and leaves. That's why we call him Panda." There was an awkward silence. "Anyway," said Matt, "I'd better get back to it. Panda's hard-on won't last forever. Catch you later Nanna. You know where we'll be if you change your mind." Matt left and TJ was giggling. "Do you know what?" he said, "Maybe these bum bandits aren't that bad. Nanna. Brilliant nickname." "I am NOT a Nanna," I said. "You are," said Courtney, "You're like an old woman in man's body." "An old woman in an old man's body," giggled TJ. "I think Nanna's a cute nickname," said Mike. "It makes me sound like some nerdy square," I said. "You are," said Courtney, "When I first met you, you tried to fist bump me and you started talking about TV shows from the early nineties. I mean have you ever even heard of 'Breaking Bad'?" "Of course I have," I said, "It's a gangster film with Busta Rhymes." TJ and Courtney started laughing. Apparently 'Breaking Bad' is some popular American TV show but there IS a film out there called 'Breaking. . Something' with Busta Rhymes in it. "That's why Matt called you Nanna," said Courtney, "Luke, you're a nice guy but you're not cool." Great. If I didn't feel like an inadequate male before, being given the nickname of 'Nanna' by a hairy gay guy has really helped confirm my inferiority.

The infected are still blocking both of the exits to the sauna so it looks like we're staying here again tonight. We need to come up with a plan. I'm worried that Matt and the others might be figure out that we killed Daz. I think we need to get out of here sooner rather than later.