Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 219: Sunday 2nd April 2017 22:27

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Day 219
Sunday 2nd April 2017 22:27

Well, today I've felt physically better than I did yesterday but emotionally I've felt annoyed and it's all to do with that f*cking bossy arsehole, Esther.

I went back to work, and usual, the first person who came to see me was Auntie Meryl. "Right," she said assertively, "B*llocks to the lot of you. Bunch of no good, two faced lying sh*t houses." "Whoa, what's wrong with you?" I asked. "What's wrong with me?!" yelled Auntie Meryl, "What's wrong with you lot? I've been asking you for a fully functioning heater for days and I'm still bl**dy waiting." "What?" I replied, getting angry, "I thought Esther had got you one." "No," said Auntie Meryl, "She hasn't. I came to your chalet to see you yesterday and talk to you about it but you told me to b*gger off." "Well, I wasn't well yesterday," I said, "Look, Auntie Meryl, I thought all this was sorted." "Well it's not," she said, "But I want to get it sorted. What do I have to do to get one of these heaters? Come in here with frostbite and icicles hanging off my nose." I was feeling annoyed at this point. Auntie Meryl might be a moany old cow but she had a point. I could see where she was coming from. "OK," I said, "Do you know what, I'm fed up of this. This should have been sorted days ago. Esther promised me she'd get you a heater. I'm sick of hearing about this so I promise that before the day is out you will get your heater." "Oh yeah," said Auntie Meryl, rolling her eyes, "Where have I heard that before?" "I absolutely promise you," I said, "You will have a heater before you go to bed tonight." "Why, what are you going to do?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies," I said. Auntie Meryl looked confused. "Look," I said, "Let's just say that if a heater turns up on your doorstep, don't query it, don't ask where it's come from, just be thankful that it's turned up." Auntie Meryl looked confused and curious but I wanted to leave it there. I ushered her out and when she left the building I leapt into action.

I left my office and walked down the corridor to Esther's office. I didn't think she was in but I wanted to be sure. I knocked on her door and when there was no answer I picked up a nearby fire extinguisher, looked around to make sure no one was about and marched over to the maintenance store cupboard. The door was locked but I knew if I bashed the handle hard enough with the fire extinguisher I'd be able to damage the lock, get inside and grab a heater. I lifted the fire extinguisher and started aggressively bashing it against the handle. "What are you doing?!" a voice from behind shouted. I turned round and was relieved to see that it was only TJ. "Oh God, it's only you," I said, "I nearly sh*t myself then." "Are you trying to break into the store cupboard?" asked TJ. There was no point in me saying no, it was pretty obvious what I was trying to do. "Noooo," I sarcastically replied, "I'm testing the strength of this fire extinguisher. Of course I'm trying to break in here." "Cruella will kill you if she finds out," said TJ. "Well she's not going to find out, is she?" I said, "Now stand there and keep watch." "Why do you want to break in?" asked TJ. "My poor Auntie Meryl has been waiting for a heater for ages now and that bossy control freak hasn't done anything about it, so I will. She's probably too busy getting ready to be Dump's adviser." "You what?!" exclaimed TJ. "Oh, haven't you heard?" I asked, "Esther's going to be an adviser to Dump like Adrian is." "Well that'll be a barrel of laughs," said TJ, "Cruella DeVille and Prince Harry helping Ronnie run this place." I'd loosened the lock but TJ said I was pussyfooting about too much. He came and joined me, told me to stand back and gave the door one hard kick, causing it to fly open. I quickly ran in, found a heater, picked it up and left the cupboard. TJ looked pleased with himself. "I'm full of strength and muscles, me," he said. "You're full of something," I said. "I've knocked down a few doors in my time," he replied, "I knocked down Russell Brand's front door once you know? It was a favour for Ewan McGregor. Russell owed him twenty quid for an ounce of weed and a bag of scratch cards but he was dodging paying him." "Knock it off with the bullsh*t," I said, "We need to get this to Auntie Meryl's." "We?" said TJ, "This isn't my problem. Anyway I've got big titted bird to go and chat up." "TJ, please help me," I said, "If someone sees me carrying this to Auntie Meryl's, they'll know I broke into the cupboard. If you help me, I'll tell you something that'll put a smile on your face." TJ reluctantly agreed. I closed the damaged store cupboard door, locked the door to my office and TJ and I picked up the little heater. Concealing the heater behind our backs, we stood close to each other and shuffled our way out of the building.