Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 226: Sunday 9th April 2017 22:03

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Day 226
Sunday 9th April 2017 22:03

What a chaotic and heated day. Lots of secrets came tumbling out and as I usual I'm left looking like a knob and feeling like a tw*t.

The day started when I woke up with a brainwave. I couldn't stop thinking about Millie and I wondered if she was really dead so I decided to find out where the "body" was being stored, break in and have a look. It was just after 7am so I quickly got up, got dressed and made my way down to Main Street. I wondered where they would keep a body. I thought the obvious place was somewhere in the church so I decided to head over there. As I started making my way to the small religious building, Adrian saw me. "Luke," he said, "You're up early. You don't start work til nine." I turned round and told more lies. "Yeah, well I wanted a walk and some fresh air before I started work," I said, "It's a big day isn't it? What with Millie's funeral and the wake. I've got a lot on my mind." "I understand," said Adrian, "Did you see the Doctor?" I looked around to make sure no one was about and then quietly told Adrian the problem was sorted and that I didn't want to talk about it. Adrian said he had a chat with the Doctor and asked him to have a chat with me about my confusions around my sexuality and being a potential victim of domestic violence, perpetrated by TJ. "I hope you don't mind?" said Adrian. "Well I'm sorry Adrian," I said, "But actually I do mind. TJ isn't my partner. My sexuality is no one's business but my own and I'm certainly not a victim of domestic violence. Maybe you should try talking to me directly instead of going behind my back to the Doctor." "Oh Luke," said Adrian, "It wasn't like that. I'm very sorry if I offended you. You're right, I should have come to you. I'm sorry." "Well let's just forget about it," I said. I started to walk off when Adrian called to me. "You're not going to the church are you?" he asked. I stopped, turned round and looked back at Adrian. I wasn't sure what to say. If I said no, it would look suspicious and the church was obviously where I was heading and if I did say no, I'd then have to come up with some elaborate lie. Then again, if I said yes, Adrian would probably get suspicious as everyone knows I'm not religious and I thought Adrian might suspect I was trying to look at the body. Deciding I couldn't manage another lie and using the fact that it was Millie's alleged funeral I came out with this; "Yes," I said, "I'm going to church." "You?! Church?!" exclaimed Adrian. "Well I know I'm not very religious," I said. Adrian interrupted me. "Not very religious?!" exclaimed Adrian, "You've made it perfectly obvious you hate religion." A brilliant lie just formed in my head. "Yes, well," I said, "I was quite close to Millie before she left and I wanted to be a bit closer to her before the funeral." Adrian looked confused. "Well I'm assuming that's where her body is," I said. "Oh," said Adrian, "Yes that's right. Her body's there ready for the funeral. But you know you can't see the body." "Yeah," I said, "Why is that again?" "Two reasons," said Adrian, "One, you wouldn't want to see her. Sorry, but it's not a pretty sight, and two, it's Dumpville policy. Rules apply to everyone. I tell you what, I'll come with you." "No!" I loudly said, desperately trying to break free from Adrian, who responded by looking stunned and confused. "Err... I mean, I want to be on my own," I said, "You know. Time to reflect and gather my thoughts before the funeral later."

I managed to get away from Adrian and I made my way to the church. I entered the building and it was exactly what I expected. Rows of uncomfortable wooden seats to the left and right, and the smell of musty bibles lingering in the air. At the far end there was a door to the right and a door to the left. Millie's alleged body was behind one of these doors. There was no one about, so I walked to the end of the church, past the altar and through the door on the left. Inside I saw Benjamin and Troy having sex with each other. "Oh my God!" I wailed. I quickly shut the door as Benjamin and Troy started getting dressed. "What the f*ck is wrong with you two?!" I asked, "This is a church, not a gay sauna. There's going to be a funeral out there in a few hours." "Sorry Luke," said Troy, "I thought we'd locked the door. There isn't usually anyone around here this early." "What do you mean?" I asked, "Have you done this before?" "Every morning for the past couple of weeks," said Benjamin, looking embarrassed. "What?!" I exclaimed, "Here in the church?! What would the vicar say? What would Mary say? What would Dump say?" "Sorry Luke," said Troy, "But was just can't keep our hands off each other." "If you keep this up, Tina is definitely going to find out," I said, "You can't keep sneaking around getting up to no good." "Hang on," said Benjamin, "Its seven o clock in the morning. You know what we're doing here but we don't know what you're doing here?" A guilty expression suddenly appeared on my face, which Benjamin noticed. "Ah," he said, "Looks like we're not the only ones sneaking around, getting up to no good." "Don't stand there judging me with your b*llocks hanging out of your pants after you've just f*cked a married man in a church," I said, "I'm here for Millie." "If you're here for Millie, then why are you in here and not out there?" asked Benjamin, as he tucked his testicles back into his pants. "I wanted to see if I could see her body before the funeral," I said. "There's only two things that are stiff in here," said Troy, "And neither of them are dead bodies." There was a pause and Benjamin smirked. "He means our c*cks," he said. "Yes, thank you," I said," I get the picture." Benjamin and Troy finished getting dressed and Benjamin told Troy he had to go and that he'd see him later. He gave Troy a kiss and then left via the back door. "A kiss?" I asked, "I thought you two were just shagging." "I know," said Troy, "But I think it might be turning into a love job." "Bl**dy Hell, Troy," I said, "You know how to make life difficult for yourself." "I know," said Troy, "From hand job to gob job to knob job to love job." "Just lock the door next time," I said, "I'm a pretty open minded guy but there are some things I don't need or want to see." "But you're not going to tell Tina are you?" asked Troy. "No," I said, "I think that's up to you, don't you?" "Thank you for being so understanding," said Troy, "I know you're not much to look at, and that Esther hates you, Mary feels sorry for you and Trudy thinks you moan too much but I suppose I think you're alright." "Hmmm," I said, "Methinks there's a compliment hidden in there somewhere." Troy grabbed hold of me and we gave each other a hug. That's when Mary walked in and looked shocked. "What's going on here?" she asked. Silence followed, Mary looked down to the floor and noticed a used condom, an empty wrapper and a small bottle of lube. Troy and I looked down at the sexual objects and then looked back up at Mary, who appeared shocked. She gave me and Troy a silent but strongly disappointed look and started to storm off.