Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 206: Monday 20th March 2017 23:04

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Day 206
Monday 20th March 2017 23:04

I was once again woken up by the big headed, arrogant, sexist, racist, homophobic, prejudiced and narrow-minded Ronald Dump. This morning's announcement included him telling us that Mary was teaching the kids how to bake and that he was going to be taking his beautiful lady wife out for a lovely meal tonight where he encouraged people to come up to him and say hello. He thinks he's some sort of celebrity. I was surprised to find out Humpty Dumpty's married. God knows what mad cow would want to marry him, I thought to myself.

As soon as I was up, the first thing I did was go to see TJ. I knocked on his door and he answered, appearing a lot more presentable than he did yesterday. "Nice to see you've had a wash," I said. I showed TJ the piece of paper I found on my door mat. "I know what you did?" questioned TJ, "Do you mean that big fart I did before I opened the door?" "No, TJ," I said, "I don't mean that but thanks for sharing." I explained to TJ how the note was pushed under my door last night, before I went to bed. "Well what have you been up to then?" asked TJ. "God," I said, "Are you stupid? This is obviously from someone who saw us send Mike away." "Well why didn't they leave me a note?" asked TJ. "I don't know," I said, "Maybe they didn't see you and they just saw me up on the hut roof." "You're paranoid," said TJ, "This might not have anything to do with us sending Mike away. I reckon you've been up to no good and someone wants you to know they've been watching you." "Shut up TJ," I said, "I've not been up to no good. I'm telling you, this note is aimed at both of us." TJ didn't take the note as seriously as I did, which I found quite annoying. "When people find out Mike's not here, it's all going to kick off," I said, "We need to tell people we haven't seen him since the day before yesterday." "I didn't think you liked lying to people," said TJ. "I don't," I replied firmly, "But there's a difference between lying to cover up for someone who killed one of us, and lying to make sure we don't get chucked out of this place." "You just want to cover your own back," said TJ, "You don't want anyone knowing you sent Mike away. Anyway, all you've done is slag this place off ever since you got here." TJ was getting on my nerves. "Let me remind you that we BOTH sent Mike away," I assertively said, "And I think we should keep it between the two of us for now until we can be sure that it won't get out and end up with us being thrown out. I think it's obvious someone saw us send Mike away, hence the note. Oh, and for your information I haven't slagged this place off, it's that tosser, Dump, I have slagged off." It didn't take long for TJ to return to his usual obnoxious self.

Later in the day I started my little job as complaints manager. What an annoying pain in the arse that was. I was placed in a dingy little depressing office in the same building as Esther's office and not far from Dump's big, posh office.  My first client was Auntie Meryl. "Oh God, I said, "What the Hell are you doing here?" "Well, you're the complaints person aren't you? I've got some complaints." "What have you got to complain about?" I asked. "Plenty," she said, "I've got a list. Are you ready?" Auntie Meryl produced a long list from her bag that rolled out on to the floor. "Oh for God's sake," I said, "How long do you think I've got?" "Right," she said, "Well the first thing on the list is the weather," she said. Silence fell and I looked confused. "The weather?" I said, "The actual weather?" "Yes," said Auntie Meryl, "Its late March. It shouldn't be this cold. It's like early January. I've hardly taken off my thick woolly cardigan." "Auntie Meryl," I said, "Why are you telling me this?" "I've told you. You're the complaints person," she said. "It's up to you to do something about it." "About what?!" I exclaimed. "The weather!" Auntie Meryl loudly said. "What the f*ck do you want me to go about the weather?!" I yelled. Auntie Meryl leaned across and whacked me round the head. "Don't you swear at me you little bugger, you're not too old to be put across my knee." "Auntie Meryl," I said, "What exactly do you want me to do about the weather?" "Fix it!" she shouted. "How can I fix the bl**dy weather?!" I shouted back, "It' the weather! What do you want me to do?! Fly into space and turn the sun up a bit?" "Are you telling me you're not going to do anything about my complaint?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Look," I said, "It's really not that cold." "I'm a pensioner," said Auntie Meryl, "I'm cold, and as complaints manager I want you to do something about it." "Well it's going to be a bit tricky for me to control the weather but what I can do is have a chat with maintenance and see if we can get you a little heater or something." "Well I suppose that'll have to do," said Auntie Meryl, "But I don't think you've got the right attitude for a complaints officer." "Can we just get through the list please," I said to Auntie Meryl.