Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 343: Friday 4th August 2017 21:22

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Day 343
Friday 4th August 2017 21:22

Interesting day. We met someone new.

When I woke up this morning and walked into the kitchen I saw Troy wearing one of the face packs he got from the cash n carry the other day. His face was smothered in dark green mud stuff. I absolutely sh*t myself and let out a high pitched scream. "Christ Troy," I said, "You scared the sh*t out of me." "I thought you'd have had enough of sh*t after the other day," he said. "What have you got on your face?" I asked. "It's a face pack," said Troy, "Papaya and aloe vera. You should try one. It might help get rid of some of that saggy skin. No one likes a turkey neck." "If you keep slagging me off I'll wring your neck like a turkey," I said. "I'm trying to help thank you very much," said Troy, "You can't be happy walking around looking fifty when you're forty." "I'm not forty," I snapped, "And I don't look fifty you cheeky sod." "Whatever," said Troy, "This sort of stuff can revitalise your skin." "Well I think you look stupid," I said, "God knows why you'd want to cover your face in that." "Trust me," said Troy with a mischievous glint in his eye, "My face has been covered in worse than this." I told Troy to get ready because we were going to go out to look for the others.

I walked into the living to once again find Auntie Meryl reading the old magazines. "Have you seen the state of him," she said, referring to Troy, "I don't understand any of you. One minute you're smearing baby poo all over your face, the next he's smearing mud all over his face. It's not normal. He keeps saying 'hello Vera'. I've told him there's no one here called Vera. Does he think I'm called Vera?" "No, that's the name of the stuff in the face pack," I said. "What is?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Aloe Vera," I replied. "Bl**dy Hell you're at it now," said Auntie Meryl, "You lot are sending me round the twist. We're in here trying to avoid the ugly monsters out there and we've got our very own Freddy Mercury covering his face in cr*p trying to look exactly like them. I nearly wet my knickers this morning when I turned round and saw him stood there looking like Frankenstein's monster. If Betty Crack was here now her colostomy bag would have exploded." Nice.

Troy, Mike and I got ready and we went out again searching for Naomi and the others. Like yesterday, we came across a small amount of infected which we quickly and easily dealt with. I say "we"? It was Mike and I that dealt with them. Troy stayed in the car as he was worried about getting blood spatter and brain matter in his gelled hair. Idiot!

As we continued driving around we were near the cash n carry so we decided to get some more food and supplies. When we drove up to the large building and got out of the car we noticed that the entrance had been barricaded shut from inside. "What's this?" I said, "It didn't look like this the other day." Mike stepped forward and took a defensive position holding a large steak knife from the pub kitchen in each hand. "Someone's in there," he said with a frown on his face. "OK," I said, "Calm down, there's no need to get all aggressive. Naomi and the others might be in there." "Yeah and there could be a bunch of psychos in there," said Mike. "There's a psycho out here," Troy quietly said, referring to Mike. "Well we'll be careful won't we?" I said. "Hang on," said Troy, "Are you actually saying you want to go in there? You want to break through that barricade?" "Yes," I firmly said. "Well I'm not going in there," said Troy, "No way. I'm staying out here. God knows who could be in there now." "I thought you wanted people to see your gelled hair," I sarcastically said. Mike took another step forward. The look on his face clearly showed he was gearing up for a fight. "Come on," he said with determination in his voice, "Let's get these mother f*ckers." Before I had a chance to calm Mike down, he got back into the car, started the engine, slammed his foot down and drove straight into the entrance of the cash n carry effectively destroying it and smashing it to pieces. Shards of glass, bits of damaged building and pieces of broken doors went flying in the air. I tried to shout to Mike and get him to stop but he ignored me. "Great," I said, "That's bound to attract the infected isn't it?" "O.M.F.G," said Troy, "He is a few queens short of a full drag show."