Ephemeral Affairs [MXM]

Male Priviledged

Jealousy. Anger. Regret. Sadness. All of these things agonize inside of me.

They bring a bitter taste to my mouth and somehow I hate Nillin even more than I already do.

Gods don't bless the Will of a man with many hearts!

How can he just throw all the things we've built away? We have a nation to conquer for heaven's sake!

"Stop right there!" I walk from the dark corner I was hiding over to them on the bed. They are already naked and Nillin is preparing Lexin's body.

I don't recall Nillin ever doing that for me. Every time was so painful. I even vowed to never have sex with anyone else all because of the pain.

"STOP!" I try to rip Nillin off of Lexin's body. "Get off him! She's not your wife, I am!"

Xielle grabs the nearest thing to cover Lexin's body with when Nillin finally notices me.

"I can be with anyone I want. I'm a man."

"I'm a man too. So you're fine if I take this child with me and fuck anyone on the street?" I ball my fists standing as straight and tall as a tree.

Nillin stays expressionless when he replies, "Basically."

I cry as I stare into his deep blue eyes and replay his answer in my head.

My body drops and I kneel before him, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. I didn't mean to challenge you; but I am asking you to please remember there is someone who is your wife standing behind you, waiting eagerly for you to return, and always believe in your goodness."

He reaches for my tears, "Don't cry. She is the one I love and the one I want regardless how she looks like now."

And I can see Xielle blushes before smirking at me.

"I beg you." I grab his hand that is pressing against my cheek and I place my forehead on top of it. "Don't destroy this family we barely started on."

"I'm not destroying it. I am simply doing this on the side. If anything, you are destroying 'this family' by stopping me." I can't see his face, but I know his eyes are cold.

I let go of his hand with my head still facing the floor.

What is this male privilege?

Nillin, are you using your male privilege against me now that I, a man, am your 'wife', the status of a woman? Are you thinking when you say that to me?

I am your equal! I gather an army of Lords and Masters using only my birthright...

My fathers defend your border and keepsake your secret war weapon! You destroy my mother's people and yet I 'still' carry your child!

Are you in your right mind, Nillin? ARE YOU IN YOUR RIGHT MIND!

Those are the words I swallow as I live in a male privileged world.

So instead I say, "If whatever I say is not good enough of a reason, I ask that you won't soil our marriage bed under my father's roof and take Master Lexin's body without his consent. Remember that Miss Xielle is only sharing this body and Master Lexin is still the rightful owner. Rape is a far worse crime than consensual prostitution."

"Furthermore, if those two conditions aren't acceptable," I take in a deep breath without exhaling, "Divorce me before you carry on."

"Are you giving me an ultimatum in that tearful yet clam voice of yours?" After asking me this, he put on his clothes and leaves the room.

Nillin stopped, but my heart is still clouded; and yet my head is as clear as day.

I gather myself and as I am about to leave, I challenge Xielle, "Let us see until the very, very end, what lasts. Beauty or Birthright."

"Are you challenging me?" Duh... I roll my eyes spiritually.

"Oh. I almost forgot one more thing." I give her the most evil grin I know how to make, "I was the little girl at Bethany's Hope who Nillin saved 10 years, 7 months and 1 days ago."

I see that she is flabbergasted and so I leave as well.

When I reach my room, it's already morning. So rather than entering my room, I continue to wander throughout the halls.

I see that the sun is already an inch off the hills, and I somehow want to find a good place where the sun can find me.

Maybe because I'm a little cold, but my eyes still burns.

Once I find the spot, I lie on my back staring up waiting for the dark deep blue to turn into a gentle morning blue.

"What am I doing with my life?"

A strong breeze comes my way and the grass would rustles along. A nice prairie sensation.

The morning stars are still there. 'You are the brightest star that leads me home. That leads me home.'

"What are you thinking, Maeve? Do you feel guilty? You're thinking that if the story is told from Xielle's perspective, you're the villain intervening their romantic story, aren't you?"

"You're the like the temptress that stole Nillin, the hero, away from Xielle, the heroine... But at the same time, you're the main love interest and Xielle is the temptress."

No. I shouldn't think this way. If I keep on thinking this way, I'll-I won't be able to accept my identity.

I try to feel my child, but my belly is still very flat and only a little swollen, "I guess I would be the mother? Honey, mommy may have suggested a divorce, but mommy won't allow you to be fatherless. Mommy isn't like your grandparents."

"You're going to have lots of brothers and sisters just like your mommy. They'll love you like how your uncles and aunts love your mommy here," I say these things and yet tears of sadness flow out of my eyes.

The sky is almost a gentle morning blue now.

With worn out energy, I manage to whisper, "Mommy's a little tired being up all night... You must be too. Let's take a little nap before going back, okay?"

And my eyes slowly close. With one inhale of nature and my consciousness is gone.