Ephemeral Affairs [MXM]

A Mistaken Choice

Perhaps I've killed him with my words because he becomes quite.

Nillin places his chin on my shoulder with his arms still around me, just breathing and taking in a moment in life.

"It's not fair," I suck in my lips still unwilling to embrace him back.

"Because I don't want my heart to be tortured by you anymore!" I sniff and my muscles stiffen, "So stop being so kind toward my son and I."

He rubs my back, "It's my choice. I get to decide who I'm kind toward."

"I know, but for my sake, detest me again like one would with roaches; so that I may leave."

Then I suddenly recall something that would make him hate me, "Go to Miss Xielle, I'm sure she's in love with you still."

"She is," he answers with much remorse.

"Then surround yourself with people who love you, and let me leave your presence." I try to sound annoying, "I guess I'll just become a prostitute after leaving here; since my family will probably find me despicable for getting married to the man who killed Trieu."

Nillin squeezes me, "Stop it. It's my fault since I was the one who sentenced Trieu, and a Queen shouldn't talk about becoming a prostitute."

"I'm not good enough to be a Queen, especially yours," I snap. "I'm not good at doing nothing and sit around all day. I'm not even a woman, so I can't be a Queen!"

"Why can't you just understand this?" My buildup insecurities erupt.

Yet I continue to tell myself to be calm because nothing comes out of an irrational pathos argument.

"Well, I don't think I make a great King either," Nillin's voice is gentle and honest, "But we can't choose everything about our lives, can we?"

"Marrying you was my choice influenced little by uncle Griflet and others." I dig deeper into his arms trying to cover my ears with his biceps, but he continues, "And that's why I want you beside me always."

"It was a choice they agreed upon? The same way Master Lexin and Master Leire also agreed upon?" I am not going to let him manipulate me emotionally.

He heaves regrettably, "Yes. It was."

"Let me guess, it's because you and they knew Master Sihipe is my biological father, who has the remaining metals the Aarthians stole from the Enzumin, and my adopted father, who reigns over the border that divide Aarth and Kalor. I was the perfect candidate for the best 'destiny'."

He heaves regrettably, "Yes. You are."

"So was I the choice you made? Or an only choice?" I asks confidently. "If you knew Miss Xielle is alive and residing inside Master Lexin's body, I am probably wasn't a choice you even consider."

"But you are still my choice! And that's why it hurts because I regret that my choice didn't go the way I wanted," the pitch of his voice drops rather than raises.

I don't even understand what he is trying to argue here, but I think he is conveying that I was a mistake.

"Go for her. If she matters more than a best friend and a spouse, go for her," I pat his back. "I'll make room."

It is crystal clear that Nillin doesn't and will never look my way, and for the first time upon this very subject, I feel relief that it is this way.

I recall wanting to stop the war hungry lineage and caused the child sickness due to my own negligence.

"If you want the child, you can have him. It is clear I'm also not meant to be a mother."

Nillin cups my face and his eyes stare sadly into mine. It is almost romantic.

"Please don't look at me like that. Save it for Miss Xielle," I say.

However, he leans in for a deep and one-sidedly passionate kiss. I push him away with twisted emotions, "It's not fair."

"You can't violate me and then everything is just okay aftwards," I glare into his eyes barely visible with the crescent moonlight.

"It's doesn't matter if your feelings are for me are true," I escape from him. "Please excuse me."

Nillin doesn't try to stop me.

I sigh in relief after closing the doors behind me. Caria and Carcyne stare blankly at me.

"He and I are done," I declare. "I'm leaving soon."

Their expressions are more puzzled by the second. It's as if I'm speaking gibberish.

"But His Highness loves his Queen," Carcyne staggeredly forces words out of her mouth.

"When did he ever respect me?" I ask them. "I can't stupidly go back to him after all that he has done to me."

"But Prince Asahi?"

I take in a deep breath, "I'm leaving him with his father."

"You got the best status anyone can only dream to have and you're going to throw it all away?" Caria reaches for my hands with her sad brown eyes.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "It's hard to explain things in words but... The important takeaway is that I'm not meant for this fancy—clothes, titles, or food."

"King Lozen and your mother won't be happy with your decision," Carcyne tries to guilt trip me. "Fix your marriage, Queen Maeve. Don't just give up and throw it all away."

It's this idea again. The idea embedded in all Zummarians: a marriage is permanent, so fix it.

"I'm not returning to my parents' home," I am resolved.

"Then where to?"

"My death, remember?"

"Then what about your son? Will you leave him even before he can swallow solid food?" Carcyne adds, "A child need his mother in these early stages of his life."

My resolve begins to crack.

My balance is tipped by the open doors behind me, and I'm catched by Nillin's strong arms.

"Are you alright?" He asks while the two girls blush in secondhand embarrassment.

I push myself back on my feet, "Yes. I am. Thank you. I was just leaving."

"Can we talk again, but this time with calm demeanors?" Nillin's eyes sadden as he holds onto my hands.

"There's nothing more to talk about," I look away.

He pulls me into his arms and I hear his heart beating rapidly, and it gradually calms to a walking tempo.

"I learned my mistakes, Maeve," Nillin sounds to be in pain. "Please hear me out one last time?"

Some part of me still cares for this man somehow, and I agree. We return to the room while Caria, Carcyne, and the warriors guard outside the room.

"The lesson I learn is the criteria differences between an affair and a marriage."