Ephemeral Affairs [MXM]

Ithronel

For the first time in forever, I am walking alone by myself with nothing on my shoulder or in any hurry or so.

This makes me uncomfortable since it's such a different livelihood.

Alosrin said I could use any kitchen I choose, but I don't really want to barge into anybody's home.

(Even if they're no longer here. It just doesn't feel right because the place is so well kept.)

I decided to walk straight and close my eyes. Wherever I end up is where I'll use.

The air here feel very fresh and homey unlike the blizzard-like ocean winds outside or the muddy humidity of the town up North.

And in a sense, I feel like I've lived here before.

Before I could even hit a wall, the smell of a persimmon forest hits me.

I open my eyes to see the green trees with orange persimmons that stretch to an immeasurable distance.

Above is still the big trees that encapsulated the Enzumin City.

Although I try to reach for the edge of the big trees and then walk around until I see something familiar, but things start popping up in my head and stressing out my heart.

Every persimmon tree starts looking like the one in my dreams.

Wait. When I closed my eyes, did I already fall asleep?

No. That can't be. I am sure I always know when I'm sleeping.

Then the persimmons start calling to me, "Mom. Mama. Mommy. Mother." Or anything of the like.

Before I know it, everything fades to black.

It's quiet and doesn't smell like anything.

Once more, the sky and floor looks the same and this I know is a dream.

I stand still and wait for a stream of persimmons or an empty persimmon tree to materialize and starts talking to me about sacrifice.

But the place is really empty and I think I sit for a long time. Nothing happened.

I hug my legs and wait some more. Yet still nothing happens.

"How do I get out of here?" I ask my reflection on the floor.

I place hand on my reflected face and it goes through.

"Well. Maybe any place is better than this emptiness."

I fall under into an ocean of darkness. I look up to see the blue sky still up there, so I allow myself to sink deeper.

It is not until I feel like I'm drowning does something pull my hand.

"What are you doing? We're almost there," Nien holds onto my hand.

And beside her is Fiona while Grandmama and Asahi is nowhere to be found.

"Where's Grandmama and Asahi?"

"You said you didn't want Asahi to see his passed away sibling so Grandmama stayed behind with him."

"Oh," I guess I would make a decision like that.

When we reach Nien's old wooden fortress, I go over to the tree where the fetus was buried.

Again my heart breaks down and tears jerk out of my eyes.

I caress the stone where the fetus is under, "Mommy is sorry."

My stomach churns and churns until it digests itself completely. My abdomen feels empty.

Nien places a hand on my shoulder, "Come on. Let's go home now. Fiona and I already finished blessing the other children."

"Just a while longer please? I want to stay here just a bit more."

"Alright." Then Nien sits beside me with her head on my shoulder. "Would you cry for me if I died instead of this child?"

"How could you ask me that? I don't want anyone to die if possible." I tap where my heart is, "It hurts here every time."

"But seeing you mourn this child every time you're here or simply grabbing your stomach, it hurts me right here," Nien also taps where her heart is.

"I'm sorry, but I'm really trying to move on—"

"Then move on, mommy." The stone materializes into a small toddler that looks similar to Alosrin's Niowei.

I immediately know that she is my daughter, so I take her into my embrace trying to make up for our lost times.

"How can mommy move on?" I can feel the warmth from her slowly fading away. "Mommy loves you so much, sweetie. Mommy would trade himself just for you back."

"But I'm happy mommy. I'm with my grandmas." I look up to see the tree becoming two persons.

One is my mother and the other is someone who looks exactly like me but with longer ears, perhaps Ithronel.

My little girl pushes me away and holds onto her grandmothers' hands, "See. I'm happy, mommy. So don't cry anymore. Be happy for me, okay? Promise me you won't cry anymore."

And as her voice slowly dims away while asking me to promise her, I return to the place where the floor reflects the sky.

"Here," a hand offers me a handkerchief. "Don't cry anymore because this is the last time you'll be here."

I wipe my tears and blow my nose, and only then do I realize it's Ithronel who handed me the handkerchief.

"Ithronel?"

"Call me mother for goodness's sake," her body drops and sits before me. "Stop crying already, Inajor. You have mourned enough."

"I'm sorry. I just miss her a lot?" I blow my nose again.

"You know. I tried to make it so you'll blame me instead of yourself once the people around you die, but you still end up blaming yourself."

"How am I supposed to blame a dream?" I ask but my throat feels painful just trying to get the message across.

She laughs saying that I'm right. She wouldn't blame a dream if she's in my situation.

"Leave your husband, Ina," she pulls me into her bosom and rubs my back slowly. "He's not the right person for you."

"I can't do that, Ithronel. I don't want my son to be fatherless," I push myself away from her. "Because I know how a child lives with a busy mother and without a father."

"Do you hate me for abandoning you?" She changes the subject slightly.

I shrug my shoulders, "How can I hate you when I forgave Sihipe? You're both loyal to your countries and I respect that about you both."

"Then I guess it's fair for you to not call me mother and Sihipe your father," she smiles a little but her emerald eyes are watery.

We sit and stare at one another for a while just trying to memorize each other's features.

I'll say that although we look very similar, we are quite different. She has the beauty that I will never achieve.

"If you grew up with my people, you wouldn't think that way at all," Ithronel murmurs as she tries to touch my face but stops herself before doing so.

"You are very beautiful and graceful, Ina. More so than I am. You may share my looks and your father's heart, but you're better than the both of us combined. You're your own person full of life and willpower. My only hope now more than anything is for you to see yourself through my eyes," she says with a gentle smile.

I move in and hug her because she looks like she needed one.

"I'm a mom too. I think I'll understand that soon enough," I place my chin on her neck and smell the motherly scent from her.

She smells like clean flowers.

"I love you, Ina. And I want you to treasure yourself more," she hugs me tightly before dematerializing.

The bright place fades to black and my eyes finally opens.